Submarine Page #5

Sure.

Yeah, you must be exhausted.

I split up with Kim-Lin.

Oh, no. Oh, dear.

Let her go.

- She was young, right?

- I'm really sorry.

- It's all good.

- Anyway, I'd better... I'd better go.

- Gonna come next week?

- Er...

- I can?

- You'd better.

Sure. I'll check my diary.

- Bring Lloyd.

- Um...

OK. I don't think it's really...

...his cup of... I'll ask.

If you ask him...

he will come.

- I'll see what I can do.

- Right.

- Thank you again. You're very good.

- Ciao, Jill.

- Watch yourself.

- Thank you.

Bye-bye.

I'm watching you.

And by being in balance

with the colours around them,

with a healthy colour glow around themselves,

they're living a fulfilled life.

So when you're in a crisis, it doesn't

feel like the waves are crashing on you,

it feels like you can just stand

under those waves

and let them do their business,

and then get a towel and bloody dry yourself off,

and go about your day.

That's what it means.

My mum is the exact type of person

who is susceptible to this mystic bullshit.

I can picture her telling Jackie at work

how it's a bit over the top

but there's something in it.

If my dad radiated a colour,

it'd be ochre or eggshell.

He knows the number for the pothole

helpline off by heart...

It's about a foot in diameter.

It's a bit of a concern.

Pothole.

Yes, that's right, Lloyd Tate.

Oh, hi, how are you?

He was the first person in our village

to install double glazing.

It's from Dad.

He ruins every Christmas.

It's a kettle.

Great.

...how extraordinary they are.

Because they've forgotten, right?

Maybe it's time for Dad

to rip off his vest again.

I mean, it's a bit over the top,

but I think there's something in it.

Yes, yes. Good turnout, was it?

I'm going out for a bit.

The question was, do I tell Jordana

about this Graham situation?

I mean, we'd had sex.

Wouldn't it spoil things

if I suddenly got emotional?

I decided to soften the blow

with some light arson.

You don't talk about your parents much.

- I mean, do they get on?

- Yeah, they get on.

Mine get on as well. It's good, isn't it?

It's important that they get on.

So everything's fine at home,

everything's OK?

Cos everything's fine with me.

Actually, my mum's not well at the moment.

They get on, you know.

That's the main thing.

Yeah.

Sorry, did you say your mum wasn't well?

Yeah.

Why, what's wrong?

She's got...

it's called... medulloblastoma.

What does it mean?

It means she's got a brain tumour.

Oh, no.

Confiding in Jordana was now impossible.

Her mother had cancer.

And in the Top Trumps of parental problems,

cancer beats potential infidelity.

I would have to travel this road secretly,

unaided,

a renegade,

a solitary samurai.

Things were a lot less fun since

Jordana's mother might die

and my parents' marriage

start. Ed falling apart...

I've been working on strategies

to solve both problems.

I bought my dad some new aftershave,

but I'm drawing a blank on the cancer.

You're f***ed. Even if her mum

is terminal, it can still take ages.

Please, Chip, shut up.

This is not what you signed up for.

This is about dipping your wick.

You've done that, game over.

She'll be in no mood to put out any more.

No more Yuletide logging for you,

unlike me, who shall be rolling in it

throughout the festive period.

Do you actually pre-prepare these lines?

I just split lines as they come to me.

You've got to shut the sh*t down.

Keiron, get my back.

- With extreme prejudice.

- Thank you.

- Nothing's changed.

- Do what you want. Remember two things:

One - treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen.

Two - don't mix family and bush.

Get the f*** out of here.

Merry Christmas. Have a good 'un.

You all right?

You've gotta shut this sh*t down.

It's f***ing ridiculous.

Glass In The Park

# If there's glass in the park

# Darling, I can't help but keep

# Making appointments to sweep

# Beneath the climbing frame

# If the sun's in your eyes

# I'll tighten your blindfold, baby

# Don't worry, your foot won't get cut

# Strut carelessly

I've been taking my duty as a boyfriend

seriously.

Last night, I reread the book

I Only Want What's Best For You.

I remembered a chapter that says:

It's therefore in Jordana's interest

that her dog dies before her mother does.

Then we can get things back on track.

Oliver Tate.

OK, calm down.

What happened?

There was no need to poison Jordana's dog

because Jordana's dog

had just been hit by a train.

I scraped his remains

into the bin liner I'd brought.

The death of a pet makes it easier

to accept the death of a parent.

I could feel the tension between Jordana and I

start. To slip away.

Oh!

No, of course, I'm sorry. I just...

I thought...

We should bury him.

No, I don't think we should.

Foxes dig up dead animals and eat them.

What should we do, then?

Well, there's this thing the Vikings used to do.

Jude would like to meet you.

- Who's Jude?

- My mum.

Since when have you called her Jude?

Since she might die in two weeks.

Right.

So, do you wanna come?

The Bevans had Christmas dinner early

in case it was the last one they had.

I hoped it wouldn't be,

cos the turkey was quite dry

and the spouts had turned mushy

and out of focus.

This is crackin', love.

Yeah, it's great. Thank you, Mrs Bevan.

This is my last warning.

It's Jude.

So, I hear from my little girl

that you've stolen her heart.

Dad...

Let me tell you,

if you're lucky enough to find an angel,

hold onto her with everything you've got.

Oh, these f***ing lights!

Cheap sh*t.

Oh, come on.

You're acting like I'm dead already.

Come on.

It'd take more than

some silly tumour to kill me.

- It might not.

- Oh, come on, now. Don't be daft.

- Sorry.

- All right.

Oh, it's all right, darling. Ssh.

- Come here.

- Sorry, love.

Are you all right? Come on.

- Come on.

- Sorry, sorry.

Sorry.

- All right?

- Yeah.

I'm fine. I'm fine. Give us a cudge.

Listen... Thank you.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you for looking after Jordana,

for walking through the fire with her.

- Thank you. Appreciate it.

- No.

- No, we both do.

- He's a good boy, isn't he?

Part of the family now. Deal?

- Deal?

- Deal.

Family, deal.

Deal, yes?

There we f***ing go.

Maybe you should come to the hospital

this Friday.

Mum will have had her operation by then

and we can visit.

- If you felt like it.

- Er, Friday.

I've got to do some Christmas shopping.

- What?

- I always leave it too late.

- I want to get you something good.

- Mother might die.

- I know.

- Do you care,

- or couldn't you give a f***?

- I do, clearly.

I'll come. When is it?

Friday.

Great, yeah.

Yeah, Friday's good for me, actually.

Yeah, I can do that. Excellent.

Your skin's better. You're allergic to the dog.

I'm eating better.

Following Mum's special diet.

Is that because of the...

We eat lots of ginger now.

So, Friday.

The visiting hours are six till eight.

Got it. Six till eight.

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