Submarine Page #4

- He wasn't my first love.

- Come on.

- I was 18.

- Pardon?

Actually, I'll see you tomorrow, OK.

Lloyd?

Were you listening in to that?

Sorry, what?

I could hear you breathe, Lloyd.

Why hadn't my parents told me

that Graham was Mum's first love?

No wonder their cinema outing

had ended in such a schism.

I can only assume the subject

of wife-swapping was raised

and Dad didn't feel emotionally ready.

Is it possible that Mum would cheat on Dad?

Will they get divorced?

They don't even row.

They just have discussions.

I'm going to have to increase my surveillance.

Good night, Oliver.

Yargh, yargh, yargh!

Yargh, yargh, yargh!

Yargh!

Thank you very much, Jeff.

I got you these books.

They're really meaningful to me.

This is Shakespeare's most mature work,

miles better than Hamlet.

Just more developed thematically.

And this is Nietzsche, one of the most

influential philosophers of modern time.

I don't agree with all he says

but he makes some interesting points.

And this is The Catcher In The Rye,

a great modern American novel.

Salinger's very influential.

Why are you doing this?

I thought it'd be nice to get some

mutual interest, now we've had sex,

other than spitting and setting things on fire.

Why would I want to be more like you?

Just try not to crack the spines or burn them.

We should get in. It starts in an hour.

I want to get a good seat.

It's rude to leave a film before it's finished.

- Who to?

- The film-makers.

- How do they know?

- They just do.

- How?

- They do.

- There wasn't even any sound on it.

- There was never intended to be.

- Then why did they write it?

- Kiss me.

Get off me!

- What are you doing?

- Just kiss me.

Get the f*** off me, you freak.

That was f***ing ridiculous.

"Kiss me!" Who says that?

- It was a kiss. I tried to be romantic.

- What the f***?

- You were crushing my face.

- Yeah, in a romantic way.

I'm not in the mood.

It seems pretty clear

that Mum is having an affair.

Why else would she be at the hairdresser's

with Graham the ninja?

He probably makes sure

all his prospective sex part. Ners

are salon fresh before impregnating them

with a ninja love child.

Cheers.

Mum normally just gets a trim

from her work colleague Jackie.

But now I think of it,

she did mention her hair the other day.

I used to have long hair like her.

Hm?

I used to have long hair, remember?

Hm, yes.

Pretty, isn't she?

I dunno.

Do you like my hair long?

- Er...

- Or short like now?

Well, you know...

I like your hair no matter how long it is.

But did you prefer it long?

Either way's good.

No opinion.

Well, it's up to you.

So it wouldn't bother you if I shaved it all off?

Not if it made you happy.

If you want to shave off your hair, you should.

Why would I shave my hair off, Lloyd?

What a stupid idea.

Yeah.

I can imagine my mum calmly leaving one day

while Dad helps her pack.

So er... got any plans?

No, not really.

No, just...

see how it goes, really.

Are you planning on getting dressed today?

- Do you want to take the car?

- That's fine.

I'm going to work from home today

so if you want to take the car...

I was planning on going to see

one of Graham's talks tonight.

- OK.

- You don't mind?

- Why would I mind?

- It just means I won't be in tonight.

- I'll make sure I keep myself busy.

- Oliver, you coming?

- I'd like a moment with my father.

- Lovely.

I'll see you in the car.

I think Mum might be having an affair.

Can you turn the tap off, please?

I saw her in town with Graham

and heard her on the phone talking about him.

You shouldn't be spying on people.

I just saw them and accidentally

picked up the phone. Aren't you worried?

- Graham's an old friend of Mum's.

- They've met up.

- Yes.

- So you're condoning this affair?

There is no affair. He's just some bloke

I stole your mother from.

So you admit they have a history?

I think you should go to your mother now, OK?

- Thanks, Mum.

- Just a second, we're early.

How are things with Jordana?

Fine.

- You ever going to let us meet her?

- Maybe if you get a terminal illness.

So things are serious between you two?

It may seem like a big deal now

but it probably won't matter when you're my age.

- Just be careful.

- I always use condoms.

Good.

You know that your dad and I

are going through a bit of a tough time.

And I want you to know

we really appreciate you trying to help.

- I'm not trying to help.

- You're a loud whisperer.

You shouldn't spy on people.

Why have you been meeting Graham?

Graham is an old friend and has had

relationship problems with Kim-Lin.

He needed someone he could talk to.

- So he might be single soon?

- Goodbye, Oliver.

- Mum?

- Yes?

Who would you save first in a fire,

given the hypothetical situation

that Dad and I were equally hard to save?

I'd go for you but I'd feel bad for your father.

OK.

- Kiss me!

- What?

I still can't believe you f***ing said it.

I did not say it in a high-pitched...

like a little mouse.

- You cried it.

- Come on, we're late.

- That gap gets smaller every day.

- What are you doing tonight?

I'm busy tonight.

Doing what?

As in, I've got stuff to do. Busy.

No, you never have anything to do.

What are you doing?

What is light?

What is light?

How important is light?

OK, let's think about that for a minute.

Cos it seems very basic and banal but it's not.

It's loaded.

It's a bloody nail bomb.

I think light is probably

the most important gift we have

from the universe.

And if you asked any intelligent bloody writer,

like Professor Hawking or anybody of that ilk,

he could talk to you...

for about, I don't know, a year...

just about bloody light!

We don't want to be in the dark,

being fiddled with.

That's for sure.

How's my dad meant to compete?

The only time I saw him enthral a room

was when he gave a talk about

the disappearance of a giant sturgeon.

Sturgeons are royal fish, since the 14th century,

and, if caught,

they do become property of the Crown.

So, yes, we're treating the matter as suspicious.

How deep is the ocean?

Seven miles at its deepest point,

but on average, six miles as a rule of thumb.

But no fish could live down there.

There's no light, of course,

and the pressure is far too great.

Any human who found

themselves at that level,

well, they would die immediately.

They would implode.

They wouldn't stand a chance.

But in answer to your question,

the ocean is six miles deep.

I am a prism.

That's not mad.

OK? I am a prism, I am light.

I am lucid.

I am exciting and delicious.

Thanks very much for today.

You've been fantastic.

Well done.

- It seemed to go pretty well.

- Oh, yes, yes.

I think they...

- They loved it.

- Did you enjoy it?

Absolutely.

A lot to take in.

- But it was silly, right?

- No, no.

- You think I'm silly?

- No, I don't.

- It's OK.

- I don't. I don't.

I didn't ask for this, Jill.

This gift, it's... It's like a burden to me.

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