Suburban Girl Page #4

- I don't know. Who?

- Elizabeth.

The first time in two years.

Man, she must have really loved that gift.

- I guess so.

- You know what I was thinking?

I would get us all tickets to go

to the Jackson Browne concert.

- What do you think?

- Who?

(LAUGHING) Funny,

that's exactly what she said.

You know, Archie, if you want

to take your daughter to a concert,

maybe you should ask her

who she wants to see.

Look, I know this is awkward.

You being the same age and all.

But I thought if you would come with us,

maybe I wouldn't bungle the whole evening.

You know what I'm saying?

I don't think that's such a good idea.

Hey.

- I don't get it.

- Go on. Try it on.

What's wrong with what I'm wearing?

It's... It's perfectly fine.

"Perfectly fine?"

My friend just won the Pulitzer Prize.

Would you indulge me?

I like what I'm wearing.

My father bought me this dress.

I spent three pay checks on my shoes.

He's infantilizing you a bit, just a little bit.

I mean, it's a little...

...asexual.

You'd prefer a crotchless teddy?

Look, that dress says, and very lucidly,

I might add,

that you're an associate editor

from a small imprint

who just got off the bus

from Cherry Hill, New Jersey.

Don't make fun of my family.

How could I make fun of people

I've never met?

Archie, why are you picking on me?

- Look at this dress!

- I see it!

Where is Brett?

Where did she go?

What did you do with her?

I want my Brett back.

(JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING)

Archie, darling, come in, come in!

You remember Brett.

Well, yes, of course. Hello, dear.

Good evening, Miss Paddleford.

Stunning dress!

Perhaps next time

you'd like to wear open-toes.

It's so much more appropriate

with dcollet. Don't you think?

Archie, you have to come

with me immediately.

One of your secret admirers is here

and she insists that she meet you,

or her life will be empty.

I think she likes you.

WOMAN:
Sid, there's someone

I want you to meet. Sidney!

- BARTENDER:
Hey, there.

- Hi.

BARTENDER:
Can I get you something?

Yeah. I'm looking for a drink that

I can completely make a fool of myself with.

Coming right up.

- MICKEY:
I'm scared.

- But just think, Mickey.

Now you are among

the likes of men like Steinbeck

and Updike and Bellow.

Did you guys know that Pulitzer winners'

life expectancy is extremely high?

Did you know that Mickey used to send

a hooker to the home of all the critics

on the eve of the publication of his books?

Did you guys know

that Archie f***ed my boss?

- What?

- Uh-oh.

Yeah! No, that's right.

Archie Knox

and the fabulous Faye Faulkner.

You know, really, though,

I mean, they must have made

a smashing couple. Sound and Fury.

But what I don't understand is why

he didn't feel the need to tell me.

Do you think you're channeling the

spirit of Zelda Fitzgerald tonight, my dear?

Better than the spirit of Miss Havisham.

Wasn't it William Blake who said that

a proper woman should never be seen

eating or drinking?

It was Byron.

Now if you'll all excuse me,

the jailbait needs to school her boyfriend.

How could you not tell me?

Because I knew how much

you enjoyed your work

and I didn't want to ruin it for you.

Oh! All this time...

All this time she knew and I didn't.

Do you have any idea

how humiliating that is?

- Why are you so...

- Upset?

Okay. What if your CEO got fired

and then you find out

that he was replaced by someone

smarter than you, someone

better looking than you, someone

younger than you,

who's got a bigger dick than you?

And then you find out

he slept with me.

Wouldn't you feel the least bit threatened?

Oh, sorry, that's right. You're Archie Knox.

Editor-in-chief of Stratharen Publishing!

This man who needs to just be

this enigma, who...

No, no. To be just.

What does justice have to do with it?

No, no, no, no. You said "to just be."

That's wrong. That's splitting the infinitive.

Good editors don't split the infinitive.

It's "to be just."

(LAUGHS)

Are you correcting my grammar right now?

I'm trying to make you better.

Oh!

What if I don't want to be better?

(LAUGHS) Well, then you'll be

an associate editor forever.

Where are you going?

To the bathroom.

No, don't worry.

No, no, seriously. I'm potty trained.

(WOMEN EXCLAIMING)

Don't be a fool, Archie.

Marry that little hussy.

I feel like a bimbo.

Bimbo is masculine.

Bimba would be more accurate.

Can't we just speak like

regular people for once?

What kinds of things do regular people say?

They say things like,

"I'm sorry, babe.

I should have told you about Faye."

I'm sorry, babe.

I should have told you about Faye.

Damn right, you should have.

From now on, full disclosure.

I promise.

No more veiled, ironic insults

masquerading as conversation.

That's history. From now on,

I'll be as humorless as a Hollywood sitcom.

(LAUGHS)

- Don't stop being you.

- Never.

(GIGGLES)

BRETT:
So, how'd my performance go over

with the Bloomsbury group?

ARCHIE:
Oh, you were the talk of the party.

Margaret said nobody's made a splash there

like that since your Aunt Hilda.

She'd be proud, wouldn't she?

Not as proud as me.

Can't we listen to anything

other than Badly Drawn Boy?

(SHUSHING)

No talking in the library.

Come on.

I'll even listen to jazz or Bob Dylan.

For the last time,

I'm preparing for the concert,

and I want Elizabeth to think

that she's got a, you know, hip dad. So...

I can't take it anymore.

Be honest.

You're hyper-editing.

I know.

You're treating it like

it's some kind of a test.

- It is a test.

- You're thinking about Faye.

You ought to be thinking about the author.

- Mr. Putterman?

- Yeah.

Arch, I need to know if you think

I'll ever be good at this.

You have no idea how smart you really are.

Now I can afford to make some promises.

Let's leave here, go home

and make love all night.

You can't walk out on Citizen Kane.

That's cinematic blasphemy.

Oh. Well,

take me home, get me naked

and I'll show you blasphemy, Sire.

- What is with you?

- I don't know.

It just must be something you do to me.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Sorry.

Hello? Hi, Daddy.

No, I'm at the movies right now.

Can I call you tomorrow?

Okay. Love you, too. Bye.

You haven't told him about us, have you?

Of course I have.

Brett?

Jed! Hi!

What's the matter?

You didn't take your Ritalin this morning?

- Jed, this is Archie.

- Oh, no need for an introduction.

- It's a pleasure to meet you, sir.

- You, too.

I'd like you to meet my new lady, Petal.

It's great to meet you, Petal.

She's much prettier than you said.

You're much prettier than he said.

He's never mentioned you.

That's a great ensemble you got there.

Did you convert to existentialism?

Oh, Petal hooked me up with her stylist

on her TV show.

TV show?

I'm on hiatus right now doing a play in

the Village about the life of Eva Braun.

You were born to play that role.

She's taking me to the Emmys next week.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

- Well, it was good to see you. We should go.

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