Suburban Girl Page #6

Look, darling.

You're not shagging our favorite ex

anymore. So no more special treatment.

Oh, and I won't reimburse you

more than $300,

so no beluga and no Cristal.

That's champagne and caviar,

in case you were wondering.

Thank you.

Excuse me, I'm looking for Cas Coyote.

Mr. Coyote?

Sure, sweetheart.

Who shall I make it out to?

Oh! No, I'm... I'm Brett Eisenberg.

From Gitlin & Stern.

- Where's Faye?

- She's...

She's having a little problem with...

With what?

Herpes.

(LAUGHS)

CAS:
Let's eat.

Two orders of beluga caviar.

Two bottles of Cristal.

WAITER:
And for the young lady?

I'll... I'll have a crme brle.

So, Mr. Coyote.

Why don't you tell me about the memoir?

What it's about, how you see it?

Basically, I am seeking

an initial print run of half a million

copies at an SRP of $24.95.

Obviously, I'd want no books

on consignment,

plus a guarantee for a firm sale.

Absolutely. I mean,

it's even more reasons to go with us.

Our subsidiary rights department is

considered the best in the business.

And our relationship

with Hollywood is also incredible.

We have a direct department that...

CAS:
Not a film sale!

A firm sale, firm!

You do know what that is, don't you?

Of course.

That's what our legal department does.

She's a flunky, Cas.

A little paper-pusher they sent over here

to buy us dinner and jerk you off.

Look, it's not my job to negotiate deals.

I help authors find their voice.

- Let's split, honey.

- Please, no, wait.

I'm sorry if I upset you.

I'm just a little under the weather.

I'm sorry I was late, honey.

Traffic was a terror.

Hey, Cas Coyote.

(LAUGHS)

Archie Knox!

ARCHIE:
I'm flattered you remember me.

CAS:
Remember you?

Honey, this is the guy who introduced

me to Charles Bukowski.

Your chiropractor?

- Anyway, you mind if I join you?

- Sit.

Congratulations are in order

if you're breaking bread with Brett.

Looks like you're planning to sign

with Gitlin & Stern?

Well, we haven't actually settled on

anything yet.

Well, you better hurry. You have before you

the savviest editrix in this town.

I've tried to hire her myself for the last

couple of years and she turned me down.

You know why? She says I'm a letch.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Archie, you are a letch!

Something to eat, Mr. Knox?

Well, why don't you just ask Jacques to

whip up whatever he's in the mood for.

Make sure you put this

on my personal account.

And cancel

whatever the young lady ordered

and bring her a bowl of chicken soup.

Why do you think your Dad didn't tell you

he was sick?

He didn't think I could handle it.

(SNIFFS)

You were right.

No matter how hard he tries, he just...

He can't stop treating me like a little girl.

Oh, no. He was trying to be noble.

He didn't want to put you through that.

How are you doing on the drinking?

I'm doing pretty good, actually.

I'm taking that pill that makes

you puke when you drink and

went back to AA for a little refresher course.

You know what they give you

when you mark your sobriety, don't you?

A plastic poker chip.

I wonder what they give you

at Gamblers Anonymous.

You screwed it all up, Arch.

That's my raison d'tre, baby.

But if it makes you feel better,

I was miserable without you.

And you should see Mickey.

Like his parents got divorced.

Well, the important thing is

that he doesn't blame himself.

Hey.

You want to

sleep over my place?

In the guest room?

I didn't catch that.

Yes.

Go away.

Go away?

Methinks me lady has flipped her lid.

You used to always want my input.

Well, I realized I was relying

way too much on your judgment.

I rely on your judgment.

I ask you to look over my work

from time to time.

You don't need my help, though.

If I wasn't here, you'd be just fine.

Oh, really?

You planning on going somewhere?

Move the dialog to the bottom of the page.

It will create more suspense

for the chapter break.

Psst!

You love me. Don't even try to deny it.

- Hi, Dad.

- Hello, baby.

- Well, nice to meet you, Archie.

- ARCHIE:
Nice to meet you, Robert. Bob.

- Was the crab a little off?

- Oh, no, no.

- What vintage were they?

- I thought they tasted fine.

Me, too. It was very crabby. Arch?

Well, I do appreciate the attempt

you've all made at avoiding the obvious.

It was a worthy effort. But let's

cut to the chase, shall we?

Robert, how old are you?

(LAUGHS)

Fifty-seven.

And I'm 50.

So, that makes me younger than Robert.

So, everybody feeling good about that

right now?

I am very relieved.

Grow up, Ethan.

How old were you

when Brett was in third grade?

Brett skipped the third grade.

(IMITATES BUZZER)

Well played.

Honey? Why don't you come

and help me with the coffee?

- Yeah.

- I made sponge cake. Sugar free.

He's very charming.

Very handsome.

Clearly, very successful.

I don't need a recap of his resume.

I want to know if you like him.

What's not to like? He's very charming.

We need more cream.

Can't you find kids your own age

to play with?

(SNORING)

- ARCHIE:
Take as much time as you need.

- I will.

But don't forget that I need you, too.

More than I've ever needed anybody before.

Because you may not think so,

but you're different.

From all the rest?

Brett? Honey. Wake up.

What is it? What's wrong?

Why are you out of bed?

Honey...

Archie's in the hospital.

His friend Mickey called a little while ago.

They brought him in late last night.

Severe front-to-back abdominal pain,

high fever, rapid pulse.

If I had to guess,

I'd say it was an acute pancreatitis.

He's a diabetic.

Brett...

Is Archie alcoholic?

Yeah.

Look, you know I don't like

to get involved in your life.

But this is the reason I don't...

That I'm worried about

this relationship with this man.

If Archie isn't going to take care of himself,

someone else will.

I don't want

you to have to spend your life that way.

Where is he?

Manhattan Hospital. Come on, get dressed.

- I'll drive you back to the city.

- No, Dad. Are you crazy?

Well, Mickey didn't exactly sound

like a crisis manager.

He's a Pulitzer Prize-winning author.

Yeah.

And you're Brett Eisenberg, MD.

MD?

My Daughter.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for Archie Knox's room.

The Knox suite is right behind you.

Thank you.

Just a minute, miss. Sorry to bug you.

But your father hasn't filled out

his dinner menu yet. Would you mind?

- He's not my father.

- Excuse me?

I said he's not my father!

He's my boyfriend. I have sex with him!

Either way, he eats, right?

Right. Sorry.

BOTH:
(MIMICKING)

He's my boyfriend. I have sex with him!

Great. It's the cast of Cocoon.

- Hi, Mickey.

- Hey.

- Oh, Mickey, your hugging hasn't improved.

- Lack of practice.

- I think I'll go steal some drugs.

- Get me something good.

(CURTAIN BEING DRAWN)

What are they feeding you?

I had asked for the antidote to you,

but it was back-ordered.

Here.

Am I ordering for two?

I have to get back home.

If you leave, I'm gonna put that in my book.

Oh, no. You are not writing a book about us.

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