Suburban Gothic Page #5

Oh, man.

Aah! F***!

Mom, dad, I was...

masturbating.

Oh.

Be careful, darling.

Hello?

You know...

When your mother

worries about you,

I never hear the end of it.

And she was in such a good mood

all morning.

- Why is she in such a good mood?

- They found Hector today.

Really? Is he okay?

What happened to him?

Nobody knows.

He's delirious.

If you ask me,

the guy's on meth.

What do you know

about meth, dad?

Everything.

Really? Everything?

You know everything about meth?

I saw a documentary

narrated by Dwart Farquhar.

- Who the sh*t is Dwart Farquhar?

- Farquhar.

Very underrated actor.

All right.

I'll look into his work.

What's your favorite movie

of his?

- "Running out of bullets."

- I'll watch that one first.

All right. Here, I found this.

That's not mine.

But I'll hold onto it for you.

Yeah. All right.

And I know meth.

How'd you get in here?

You really believe me?

Why are you so surprised?

I guess it's the first ghost

I've seen in awhile.

I'm just not used to being taken

seriously.

Damn, it's closed. Oh, well.

Come back tomorrow?

Cover me.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Those are really nice windows.

Don't break those.

What does that even mean?

What now?

Shh!

Ladies first.

All right. Longstreet...

Okay. Okay, there it is.

Longstreet.

"Elizabeth longstreet

died January 27, 1855."

Survived by her husband,

Ambrose longstreet

"and daughter, Hannah."

Look at this...

Ambrose longstreet

"and his daughter, Hannah, died

on the same day, July 18, 1860."

What do you think happened?

"Last night longstreet ranch,

the site of a terrible slaughter

carried out

by the Bogden brothers."

Are you crying?

I'm extra sensitive.

Oh, I better not be

pregnant again.

Okay.

Um...

Ambrose's body was found strewn

across an unmarked grave.

- That's so tragic.

- No, that's it. That's it.

She's the one haunting it.

The little girl, Hannah.

S-she wants to be returned

to where her father buried her,

probably.

F***in' "a."

So, all we got to do

is find her body,

put it back in the ground.

She'll be at rest and then

we can be done with all this.

- Did you say "we"?

- Sh*t yeah, I said "we."

You got a banana in your ear

or something?

We. You and me.

What are you scared?

You scared? You look a little

scared, I'm gonna be honest.

Aren't you supposed to

communicate with the dead?

Just ask the ghost

where her body went.

I don't have all day.

You raise an interesting point.

Really have to wear this?

Sh! Keep your voice down.

You're gonna wake up my dad.

And yes,

we do have to wear this.

If you want to make contact

with the spirit world,

you have to follow

specific rules,

and everyone knows

they find white soothing.

I look like a klan member.

You kind of do.

Also, they're drawn

to candlelight.

Can you... can you

please show a little respect?

What?!

When we ask her

where her spirit is,

she shouldn't feel threatened.

She has to feel encouraged.

We have to encourage her.

And what if she does

feel threatened?

How fast can you run?

All right. You ready?

Give me your hand.

Hannah longstreet hi.

My name is Raymond,

and this is my associate, Becca.

We are inhabitants

of the living world,

so please tell us

where your body is.

- That worked great.

- Shh.

Oh, you know what?

We need something

that belonged to her.

The box she was buried in.

I'll go get it.

I'll get it.

You can wait

in the creepy room alone.

You f***ing kidding me?

Aah!

Holy sh*t. Becca, You're not

gonna believe what I just saw.

What?

- Aaah!

- Ah! Whoa!

- Dad!

- Whoa!

- Who are you?

- Dad!

Hey! Yo...

dad, I can explain.

We thought there

was a burglar down here.

Hey, you bring a girl home,

you take her up to your room.

Next time you interrupt

your mother sucking my dick,

There's gonna be hell to pay.

Did you really just say that?

If I had it to do over,

I wouldn't have revealed

that last piece of information.

Where'd you get this?

Did you dig this up

out of the yard?

How'd you know it was

buried in the yard?

Dad, Where's the body? Drop it.

- Dad, tell me where the body is.

- Just drop it Raymond.

I'm warning you.

Dad, Where's the body?

I'm telling you to drop it.

- Dad, I'm telling you...

- Drop it!

Tell me where the body is

or I'll tell mom.

Becca, I know

where the body is.

I don't want to be part of this

anymore, Raymond.

Becca, You're the first person

who's seen what I've seen.

I've seen enough.

Well, can I at least get

my mom's sheet back?

- You sleep here?

- Yeah.

Not everyone has parents paying

our way through business school.

- Help me bury her.

- No.

We bury her and it's all over.

That's how this works.

Come on.

How about we put the spirit

of a murdered little girl

to rest?

Now I got you,

you little son of a b*tch.

Out of the question.

It's a historical artifact.

True.

But it doesn't belong to you.

Your father gave it to me.

That makes it a donation.

And There's nothing I can do

to help persuade you?

Him. What about him?

What about me?

Give me a blow job

and you can have the skeleton.

- All right.

- No! Sit.

Well, I believe

We're done here, then.

Were you seriously gonna

give him a blow job?

I was thinking about it.

Virginia...

See these young folks out

please.

I Can't believe your dad gave

her body to that a**hole.

Guess we'll have to break in

again tonight.

How are we gonna know where

Hannah's body is, though?

What do you kids want

with the body of a dead girl?

You wouldn't believe us

if we told you.

Her spirit has returned

from beyond the grave,

hasn't it?

I've been communicating with

the spirit world my entire life.

People used to think

I was crazy.

Holy sh*t.

I get that a lot myself.

Look, lady, I don't know

who you are

or what your story is,

but we need your help.

We Can't put Hannah's spirit

back to rest

if we don't have her body,

and that dildo licker

won't give it to us.

We have a storage facility

downstairs.

I will switch her remains

and meet you out back.

Cornelius is blind Asa bat.

He'll never know the difference.

You have such a strong aura.

Do you know,

spirits are attracted

to people like you and I.

F***ing weirdos.

Oh, sh*t!

What the f***?

You should probably

get that checked out.

Should we say something?

Yeah.

Rest in peace, Hannah.

I'm sorry that you're dead.

But hey, at least you're back

together with your family.

Amen.

- Hello.

- Well, I hope you two

managed to relegate your

activities to the bedroom.

Donald, your manners.

Excuse him.

Raymond, is this your friend?

I'm Becca.

Hi. Would you like to stay

for dinner, honey?

Some of Donald's players

are coming over.

Um... Maybe another time.

Oh, all right.

- Hey, dad?

- What are you doing here?

Look, I know we don't always

see eye to eye on everything,

but I just want you to know

that having a relationship

with you is...

it's really important to me.

Raymond... You're my son.

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