Sun Dogs Page #6

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Pretty smart

from an undercover standpoint.

Are there important documents

in there?

I'm a Sun Dog now?

Hey, Tally.

They fly today.

We should go.

I haven't heard from Jenkins.

We should call the police.

Here we go.

Here.

Hello, there are terrorists

at the airfield,

with bomb-making equipment.

They're Al-Qaeda

and they plan to strike today.

Congratulations,

you just saved the world.

What are they doing?

They're flying model planes, Ned.

You wanna know

why you don't drive, Ned?

You don't drive because you rode

the short bus your entire life.

Where'd this come from?

eBay.

eBay?

It's just a deck of cards.

You wanna chase some pretend terrorists?

Go! Go chase some pretend terrorists.

- Why are you doing this?

- 'Cause you're a retard, and...

You're a virgin,

and I hate your stupid guts.

Don't move. Don't move.

Hands up.

Watch his hands.

Look out for him move his hands.

I bet this Bautista de Anza's gold

is still out there.

So why don't you go get it?

What?

Why don't you go get it?

Ned, take the head off, will you, please?

It's depressing enough around here.

I said, why don't you go get it?

'Cause I don't exactly know where it is.

I'd need a hell of a metal detector.

What?

I said I'd need a metal detector.

Dear Master Sergeant Jenkins,

I resign.

Sincerely, Ned Chipley.

I'm worried about you, man.

You've been down here a week.

The holidays are brutal enough

without you going Howard Hughes on me.

What do you think about

taking that thing off your head

so we can have a little man to man?

Okay, listen.

I came to apologize.

I didn't consider the ramifications

of any of this.

I was flippant.

A man should never be flippant.

You'll never be a Marine, Ned.

I shoulda told you that.

You have a condition that renders you

unable to meet our standards.

Those are the facts

whether we like it or not.

I should've bucked up and told you

just like I tell anybody else

who doesn't meet the requirements.

You need a cause, son, a purpose.

Every man does.

But this... this is not it.

Can you stand and give me a salute?

Merry Christmas.

Ned, something came

in the mail for you.

It's from your mom

and your ex-girlfriend.

Ned, I suck!

Those things I said to you

are unforgivable.

I don't know what else to say

except I'll try to make it up to you.

I promise.

Well, I finally did it.

I finally came to San Francisco

because of you.

It's just as pretty

as my mom always said it was.

If you ever come out here,

you should come visit.

It's just a crappy dorm room,

but I got into that film camp.

I sent them the videos from the stakeout

and they gave me a scholarship.

Those stakeouts were

the best time I ever had.

I hope you can forgive me, Ned.

I don't know what

I would've done without you.

Love, Tally.

P.S. The bridge is amazing!

Ned!

eBay!

Come on, let's try this sucker out!

Well, I hear you, Ned,

but that's not what happened, is it?

- No.

- That's right.

Let me tell you

what my father used to say.

My father used to say,

"If ifs and buts were candies and nuts,

we'd all have a hell of a Christmas.

But we're not having

a hell of a Christmas."

And what that means is,

things are what things are,

no matter how you think

they could have been.

Ned, work a little bit over here.

You're going in a goddamn circle.

It would be easier during the day.

Yes, it would be easier

during the day, but...

Jerry told me he thinks

the company hired some guy

to watch during the day.

Try to get a picture of me

doing something physical,

then they'll never settle the case.

'Course they'll probably never

settle it anyway,

on account of it's not their fault.

But what the hell.

We'll get rich the old-fashioned way.

Oh.

- Oh.

- You got something?

Here, let's switch.

Good. Good.

I gotta hand it to you, Ned,

you're a hard worker.

And you know enough

to keep your mouth shut.

People like to have

a guy like that around.

And you're an optimistic

son of a b*tch.

I've seen you fail at more things

most people wouldn't even begin

to wanna try.

I don't wanna fail.

Well, then you gotta stop doing things

that you're not qualified for.

Sh*t! When I was a kid,

I wanted to play for the Tigers...

but I didn't have the ability

to play in the Major League.

See, for me,

that was an unrealistic goal.

So I had to drive a truck for a living.

I was a damn good truck driver.

And... that's the best you can do.

- My mom says that if I...

- Ned, if you don't mind, please.

I don't wanna talk about

your mom right now.

Okay.

Listen to me.

Don't stop digging.

"Listen to me" doesn't mean stop digging.

The bottom line, things aren't so bad.

You got your health.

People seem to like you,

and what else?

You got money.

Two big things,

your health and money.

You could practically do

anything that you want,

so long as you don't keep

setting these unrealistic goals.

Listen, if I were you, right off the bat,

I would rule out anything

that required you to take a test.

- Is that a car?

- Car.

Sh*t! Get down!

You see it?

- Yeah.

- Is it gone?

They're gone.

Good.

Hey, what did that Jenkins fella say?

A man needs a purpose.

He's absolutely right, hundred percent.

What do you wanna do with your life, Ned?

What is your purpose?

- I want to save lives.

- Save lives, all right.

Well, for starters,

you're not gonna be a doctor, right?

Rule out anything

in the medical profession.

I mean, you got fired

from one hospital already.

What else...

Sherpa maybe? Maybe a Sherpa.

I read a book about climbing Everest, and... sometimes

someone keels over and the Sherpas save their lives.

'Course you might have to be an Indian

or a mountain-person

or whatever the hell they are.

All right, jot that down.

Here, I'll hold that for you.

Maybe a Sherpa is not a good idea.

I just can't figure out

what else fits in that category.

- I could be a catcher in the rye.

- I don't what that is.

I mean, I know it's a book,

but I don't know what the hell

that has to do with

what we're talking about here.

It's someone who catches kids

after they fall off cliffs.

Okay, no!

See, Ned, this is an example

of where you go a little askew.

You can't catch somebody

after they fall off a cliff.

I mean, you can,

but that's comic book stuff,

that's super hero stuff.

I mean, you can prevent somebody

before they fall off a cliff,

that's another thing,

but once they go over,

they go over.

And catching somebody

falling off a cliff is not a job.

See, that's off point.

That's not something

you should even be talking about.

Now you got me talking about it.

Here.

Where the hell is this

catcher in the rye coming from?

Tally.

Tally.

You know what, Ned?

There's no easy answers to life.

Most of the time, we're all just

stumbling around, you know.

If you're lucky,

things just come to you.

Now, in my case,

I should have realized

what was going on with your mom.

But I didn't.

It didn't come to me.

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