Super

I've had two perfect moments in my life.

The first was when I married Sarah.

The other,

I was downtown...

He went in there,

Officer!

Thanks, pal.

Two perfect moments...

which offset a life of pain.

Would God hide pictures of Heather Locklear

in His closet, Frank?

A life of humiliation.

And rejection.

Oh, yeah.

What are those?

I'll wake up and see these

first thing every morning.

My perfect moments.

They can inform my day,

set me in the right direction.

The hands are a little big,

don't you think, sweetheart?

Frank.

I don't want to snuggle.

I knew I was losing her.

Honey...

Close the f***ing door.

Doof.

I should have done something

about it then,

saved Sarah from what was about to come.

Crunch!

But I was weak.

Hey.

Sarah live here?

Uh, she's not home right now.

Hey, what are you cooking there, pal, eggs?

Sounds pretty good right about now.

Do you think maybe I could have

a couple of those babies?

Are these some special kind of eggs?

Are these those...

those brown kind?

I don't know what those are.

No.

Well, they're f***ing fantastic.

I mean, my God.

You, my friend,

you have an egg-cooking gift.

God has graced you with

a goddamn egg-cooking gift.

Whoa.

Horse is at the gate.

Got to run.

Do me a favor, buddy.

Will you tell Sarah that Jacques stopped by?

Okay.

Amazing eggs.

Really.

She was gone five days later.

People look stupid when they cry.

- All right, girls, break's up.

Back to work.

Jock?

Excuse me.

Jock.

Yeah?

- I'm sorry to bother you.

Have you seen my wife?

They say she doesn't work here anymore.

Oh, depends on who your wife is.

Sarah!

Sarah.

Oh, yeah, you're the guy

that cooks eggs, right?

The brown kind?

Yeah, yeah.

They weren't brown.

Oh, that's right.

They weren't brown.

That's right.

- Have you seen my wife?

Sh*t. Yes.

Yeah, I've seen her.

And I know this is hard, man,

but I don't think... oh...

I don't think she wants to see you anymore.

What?

Oh, buddy.

I'm sorry.

Yo, Frank,

you're burning 'em.

Come on, man.

That's how people get cancer,

from eating burnt burgers, man.

Frank, man, you got to forget

about that b*tch.

That's a f***ing whore.

She sucked more dick than my brother Victor,

and you saw that f*ggot come in here once

with a cum worm on his beard.

Didn't even know it was there.

How you don't know somebody jizzed on your face?

Don't talk about her that way.

Okay?

You're lazy.

I'm the one who does all

the cooking around here anyway.

So?

- I know.

That dog who was banging her,

that Jacques,

Quintell say he's bad f***ing news.

You wanna f*** around

with a guy like that, you?

Come on, man.

Just get that b*tch out your mind, okay?

What's this?

Jock.

- The guy I was telling you about.

He stole my wife.

- Mm-hmm.

Can you arrest him?

What kind of proof do you have

that he kidnapped her?

I asked him where she was,

and he was evasive.

He wouldn't answer any questions.

Doesn't sound like proof, Mr. Darbo.

How long has she been missing?

Three days.

How did you discover she was gone?

Her closet was empty.

So this guy Jock kidnapped her

and took all of her clothes

out of her closet?

And drugs.

She's a recovering alcoholic

and drug addict.

She was really turning her life around,

and then this jerk gave her drugs.

So she kidnapped herself

and took her own clothes out of the closet.

What, is this guy, like,

one of these Vegas hypnotists?

No, no.

That's not what I'm saying.

Look, Mr. Darbo,

what you're telling us is that

your wife left you for this guy Jock.

And now you want us to arrest him.

Yes.

We can't do that, Mr. Darbo.

Listen, pal,

sometimes it's better

just to accept these things.

Sometimes the best way to forget

about someone you care about

is to fill the void with someone

you don't quite so much.

Yeah, all kinds of rabbits.

Angora, lop-eared...

One missing a leg.

That one's free.

'Cause I heard that they make good...

companion animals.

Absolutely, they do.

I mean, not a lot of people know this,

but you can train a rabbit

to use a little litter box,

which makes them better than cats.

Their faces aren't as flat

and freakish-looking.

Now, she's a real cutie.

Here you go.

What do you think?

Is she the right pet for you?

I better not.

'Cause if I screw it up...

Thanks.

We shouldn't have given

Grandpa that Red Bull.

Return to The Holy Avenger

on The All Jesus Network.

Demonswill, are you the one responsible

for the laziness of the boys

and girls here at Valley High?

That's right, Holy Avenger.

I've been bathing their

apple crisp and Tater Tots

in the Beam of Sloth.

But I don't like apple crisp

or Tater Tots, Holy Avenger.

And I pack a lunch.

That's why the two of us

haven't been affected

and have continued to do

our schoolwork and chores.

More importantly,

you're the only ones who have remembered

that it's more important

to fight evil in all its forms,

rather than just give in to Satan

because it's easier that way.

You'll never stop me!

That's right.

I won't.

But the power of Jesus Christ,

our Savior, will.

Get him, Jesus!

Yeah!

Thanks, Jesus!

Oh, greet the morning.

Shotgun.

Here we go, baby.

Obviously you have no regard

for the U.S. Constitution, Abe.

What?

- Shotgun is in there.

Sarah!

Oh, no.

Again with this guy?

Sarah, come with me.

- Frank?

What?

- Let's go.

Come on, Sarah.

Come home with me.

Where are we going?

- They've turned you against me.

Boss?

- Get in the car.

Let's go!

- No!

Sarah, please!

- Hold on.

Let go!

Oh, Sarah, look at your pupils.

They're dilated.

- Frank...

What have they done to you, Sarah?

Frank, Frank, let go.

Come on, buddy.

This isn't right.

You're hurting me!

Come on!

- Back off.

Hey, buddy, back off.

Sarah, no!

What are you doing?

No!

Come on!

You okay?

- Yeah.

Don't listen to him!

Do not listen to him!

Don't listen to him!

Hey, hey, hey.

Why are you hitting my car?

That's seriously

f***ed up.

Give her back to me!

- What?

Baby, Jacques, it's okay.

It's Frank.

It's okay. He's fine...

Oh, Sarah, shut up.

No, you shut up!

All right, pal,

haven't I been nice to you?

I mean, I've been nice,

right?

I complimented

your cooking.

You don't know who I am,

so I'm gonna give you

one last warning,

out of the f***ing kindness

of my f***ing heart.

Don't f***ing

touch my car again.

That is the last time.

Frank!

I'm going.

That's not

the kind of touching I meant.

No! No!

Sarah!

Sarah!

Come here!

- No!

Some kind of stalker or something, buddy?

Get off the car!

Come here.

God, please guide me.

Tell me what to do.

I hate you, God.

I'm sorry I said that.

It just seems so unfair, God.

Other people have goodness.

They have good things.

They have love

and tenderness,

people who care

about their lives.

They're not humiliated

at every turn.

Other people have things, God.

Even the starving children

in Africa,

even their parents love them.

Why was I so unlucky

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes