Supercon

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1

ROBERT:
Hi-yo, you

NerdGasmics, nerd-a-maniacs,

tuning into our podcast...

ROBERT AND SEAN TOGETHER:

(SING-SONG) For the win!

ROBERT:
As always, this is your

boy Hot Rob and the Seanster.

We're coming to you live

from our f***ing bat cave, yo.

SEAN:
Ground zero.

ROBERT:
It's our Area 51, yo.

SEAN:
You can't even see this,

it's so secret.

ROBERT:
It's so super secret.

Supercon's this weekend.

It's gonna be in

Westwego, Louisiana.

SEAN:
It's gonna be

really magical.

We're gonna have

great guests on the show.

ROBERT:
All of your favorite

stars from TV, film, comics.

SEAN:
Live from Supercon

with our very own Supercon

special edition podcast.

ROBERT:
We're gonna be

coming to you live

from the cockpit

of the shuttle craft,

so come and see us

at Supercon at Westwego.

You'll get to see us,

your boy Hot Rob

and the Seanster.

ROBERT AND SEAN TOGETHER:

For the win!

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

ANSWERING MACHINE: (OVER

PHONE) You have new messages.

MAN:
This call

is for Mr. Mahar.

This is Lavar Apartments.

This is Rodney.

You're behind

on your rent, sir.

Please give me

a call back immediately

to avoid getting evicted.

ANSWERING MACHINE:

Next message.

WOMAN:
Hi, Mr. Mahar.

This is Cindy.

I work for Supercon owner

and promoter Mr. Gil Bartell.

He wanted me and remind you how

important it is that you wear...

Oh, it says here a turban

from your show Tex Johnson.

Mr. Bartell says

you have to wear it

or no one at the Con

will recognize you

from when you were a kid.

Thanks so much

and have a great Con. Bye.

ANSWERING MACHINE:

Third message.

MAN:
Mr. Mahar, this is your

soon-to-be ex-wife's attorney.

I've made many attempts to get a

hold of you in regard to Bob.

Please call me back immediately

to resolve this matter.

Better yet,

have your attorney call me

because if you haven't obtained an

attorney, you're gonna need a good one.

ANSWERING MACHINE:

Fourth message.

MAN:
Princess, it's Wheeler.

Where you at?

I'm at weapons check,

waiting for your fat ass.

Oh, Rob and Sean want us to do their

podcast in their shuttle craft

I know that gives you a boner.

Hit me up, buddy boy.

Oh, God.

WOMAN:
I think

you've lost weight.

Last time I saw you, I don't

know if you were this size,

which is not to say that you

didn't look good back then.

You look good now.

You look good all the time.

You need anything at all,

you just find

one of us red shirts.

Take care now.

Don't hurt nobody.

Okay, all right, bye.

Sir, this is

only for VIP guests.

I am a VIP guest.

Tex Johnson, US marshal.

Can you be a doll, Tammy, and

help out Mr. Larry Long-face?

OMG. You're Matt Wheeler.

You can call me Wheels.

Oh, my roommate's

gonna freak out.

- Let her freak.

- Mmm!

I love Hiccup and Stringy.

It's my total fave.

I'll do it for you, but only

if you do the Stringy voice.

Hey, gorgeous!

Are you a parking ticket?

'Cause you got "fine"

written all over you.

Oh, Stringy!

(LAUGHING)

Deal's a deal.

- Now, what's your name?

- Steven Spielberg.

Maybe I should try looking

under "Douchebag."

I think Gil would probably

want you to move Keith

next to my table right here.

Can we do a little something

about that?

Yeah.

- Great.

- (DISTANT ENGINE REVVING)

KEITH:

What the f*** was that?

That's the sound

a little dick makes.

I have a little dick,

and it doesn't make any noise.

I have a big dick,

and it makes lots of noise.

- Mm-hmm!

- (ENGINE REVVING)

Did you hear that?

You heard that.

(ROCK SONG PLAYING)

(ENGINE REVS)

(CROW CHEERING)

Hey, I recognize you,

handsome devil, huh?

Ah, get your pictures now.

There ya go.

(LAUGHING)

Sure, sure, just a couple

of free ones here.

75 bucks at my table.

Ah, this pen doesn't work.

Sorry.

Hey, come on.

Easy, no touching.

- Hide me, hide me.

- What?

F***ing cocksucker's here.

You are the f***ing

smallest guy here,

and I have to use you

to cover me.

Is that Keith Mahar?

- Right there.

- Hey.

Hey, everybody, look.

It's Hadji,

my costar from Tex Johnson.

- (APPLAUSE)

- Keith. My name is Keith.

Sure it is.

Just busting balls.

Hey, speaking of balls,

how they hanging?

(GROANS)

- (LAUGHTER)

- F***ing prick.

Can I get a photo

with you guys?

Sure, sure, anything

for the fans, right, Keith?

- Yeah.

- Sure, sure, come on.

Oh, okay, okay.

Here, get my good side.

Go, good.

All right, smile.

And...

F***ing dick pic.

ADAM:
Ah, that's not bad.

You missed your calling.

You should've been

a photographer, Hadji.

- KEITH:
Hey, well, you know.

- All right.

- Catch ya later, Hadj.

- Yeah, great.

Hope you catch something

later, you f***.

- Move, move, move, move.

- I bet you him and her

stand beside each other

at the urinal.

Where the f***ing hat

I bought you? Where's the hat?

Nobody knows who the f*** you are

without the hat on your head.

I believe the appropriate

term is "turban."

Okay, turban, the jihabi,

the Pamper you was wearing

on your f***ing head.

A jibjab rag, a diaper,

where's the f***ing hat?

- Um...

- You know this guy?

Harold? Kumar?

I'm not f***ing either

of those people.

Callahan. This is

my head of security,

and this is my brother-in-law,

and I'm gonna let him

loose on your ass

if you rearrange

my seating again.

I don't play that sh*t.

Get Jay on the phone.

Motherf***er!

Can't even move fast enough

to f***ing scare me.

Osama bin f***ing eating.

- Seriously?

- Yeah, dude.

She left me for her f***ing

personal trainer.

I should've known

something was up.

She would go to the gym

in high heels.

Who works out in high heels?

Staying fat wasn't a clue?

She filed for divorce,

emptied the bank account,

kicked me out

of the apartment.

Can't you get spousal support

or something?

Yeah, I would need

a lawyer for that,

and I'm already paying for

the f***ing lawyer she hired

to divorce me.

She's what they call

"a c*nt burger."

Ooh, I've had

one of those before.

(YELLING)

MATT:
Yep, I told you

that wench was bad news.

You're an a**hole. You f***ing

introduced me to her.

In Vegas, baby.

- Didn't you sh*t your pants?

- It was a shart.

Motherf...

(YELLS)

Good.

- Controller's busted.

- Round two.

Go home, old man, you suck!

(MUSIC STING)

Really?

I've seen a naked woman.

(MUSIC STING)

In real life.

(MUSIC STING)

Oh, mike drop.

I didn't tell you

the worst part.

What's that?

She took Bob.

She f***ing took Bob?

She stole my dog.

What kind of a person

steals a man's dog?

An animal.

Yeah. She didn't even

like the f***ing dog.

And she ties him up

in the apartment all day.

Now I'm in a custody battle over

some sh*t I can't even afford.

And what was your name again?

You know, I can't believe

your Con agent let you go out

looking like a special-needs

M. Night Shyamalan.

Look at this.

Yo, check it out.

Ms. Lily's here.

Mmm.

You know sometimes when

I'm drunk, I do two things...

Watch Ms. Lily's Classroom,

and then I jerk off while

watching Ms. Lily's Classroom.

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