Supercon Page #2

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Not to the classroom part.

Just Ms. Lily.

I'm not a f***ing creep. Kinda

wanna jerk off right now.

Why don't you take

that glorious headshot over?

Oh, yeah,

this is what she wants.

An unemployed

former child actor

whose life resembles

a pile of dog sh*t.

Hey, Wheeler, where's Hiccup

this weekend, man?

Rehab.

- Hey, who are you?

- Keith Mahar.

I was on Tex Johnson.

Was that Keith Mahar?

Testicular cancer ring a bell?

- Oh, my God.

- You're the ball cancer kid!

Hey, everybody,

it's the ball cancer kid! Hey!

Mommy, I got ball cancer!

(MOCK CRYING)

Oh, geez.

F*** me.

I thought you were dead.

Nope, didn't actually

have testicular cancer,

therefore didn't die.

Just your career.

(KISSING)

Fuckwad.

- (KEITH SIGHS)

- Hey, Bobble D.

A lemmy for me

and an Irish Car Bomb

for my terrorist friend here.

I'm Indian,

you f***ing dummy.

WOMAN:
I didn't know

this was a gay bar.

Hello, lesbo face.

We were just about

to start scissoring.

McNealy,

that filthy mouth of yours

is not gonna get me

back to your room tonight.

Chardonnay for me, thanks.

- Can I get that In a to-go cup?

- Jack and Coke, please.

And can he get a thong

and a scrunchie

and maybe a Tampax

with that too?

This is Rocky.

We went to Michigan together.

Now we're just f***ing.

You're not a personal trainer,

are you?

He's a DJ. He's spinning

the rave tonight.

KEITH:
When he comes,

does soy sauce come out?

Green or red? The low sodium

or the regular sodium?

Keith.

They call me Pharaoh.

What do they call you?

- Pharaoh.

- Oh.

I thought you were

saying, "Herro."

I should take off, Al,

get my sh*t together.

Yeah, they're animals.

(KISS)

MATT:
I'm a DJ too.

- He works out.

- I work out.

Yeah, but he's supposed

to be working out math.

He's dehydrated.

He's lost a lot of fluids.

He is pretty big though.

Yeah. He's huge in Japan.

Hey, three inches is big

in Japan.

Yeah, so you're like

average there.

Does he go down on you

with chopsticks?

You ever go down on him and

you're hungry half an hour later?

He was big though.

- Wait a minute.

- What?

What time is

your Classic TV panel?

Um, at...

Oh, f***-me-o'clock.

I'll drink it.

(SLURPING)

- You got this.

- Now you're ready.

- (GLASSES CLING)

- Bye.

Tell King he sucks.

(BURPS)

(ACTION MUSIC PLAYING)

(SQUEALS)

(LAUGHTER)

ANNOUNCER:
Downtown Crime.

Starring Brock Hutchinson

as Detective Mitch Sipes.

(LAUGHTER)

I look like

one of the Village People.

I'm gonna tell you

the true story here right now.

Brock, being the guy

that he is,

he gave a bit of encouragement

to a young Tom Selleck.

He said, "Now this is

between you and me."

You're out of breath?

The bar is next door.

- Don't judge me.

- Mm-hmm.

What did I miss?

Just your dignity,

sweetheart.

"Tom, why don't you go on home,

grow yourself a mustache,

and then try it again."

Let's bring out the star

of Downtown Crime,

ladies and gentlemen,

Brock Hutchinson!

Come on out, Brock.

Come on out!

I came out years ago!

(CHEERING)

Hello, Westwego.

(LAUGHTER)

When you get the clap

from you guys,

- I think you really mean it.

- (LAUGHTER)

I don't wanna leave you out here

all by yourself there, Brock.

Our next guest, everyone's

favorite ball cancer kid.

(LAUGHTER)

F*** me.

- (SMACK)

- Ooh!

You've been a bad Hadji.

That's gonna leave a mark.

(LAUGHS)

You see here, little fella,

down here in Texas,

we take care of our own.

Speaking of which,

you feeling okay?

Go ahead, Hadji.

We're all friends here.

It's okay to talk about,

Judge Glover.

Tex told me I have

testicular cancer.

- (LAUGHS)

- Oh, Hadji!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

All right,

from Tex Johnson, US Marshal,

it's that crazy

go-kart-driving Hadji,

Keith Mahar!

(LIGHT APPLAUSE)

(LAUGHTER)

Get the f*** outta here.

Prick.

ANNOUNCER:
(OVER SPEAKERS)

Attention, Supercon.

Remember, personal hygiene

affects everyone.

Hey.

If you smell someone,

tell someone.

Keep it in the pants, man.

Skip.

Hey, you see that guy?

Is he your type?

Over you?

A thousand times, yes.

How about Adam King of

the C*cks over there?

He's a prick.

Hides it well

from the fans though.

Well, you and Mr. Sulu,

that really happening?

Listen, you need

to let this go.

You're too pretty

to give good head.

Never had to work for it.

I'm just not that into you.

When you're banging

Chairman Mao,

do you think of me

the whole time

or just during climax?

Which I can only

assume happens

while he's neatly folding

clothes in the other room.

Is neatness even

a racial stereotype?

If it's not,

it should be, right?

I don't f*** racists.

Bye, Felicia.

Cold, cold.

MAN:
(ON PA) Football is in

my possession, RTV, over.

Copy that. Callahan's on his

way to your office, sir.

He's got money from

the first round of photo ops.

Is it true he's a Navy Seal?

What?

I'm surrounded by idiots.

We're still having

that little issue.

- Copy that.

- Back over there.

Okay. Seth Green, sir,

he needs a new chair.

He's too short, evidently.

Saw the legs off the table.

Sh*t.

That's a good idea, sir.

Um, one more thing.

Adam King is flirting

with our interns,

and she's only 15, Gil.

First off,

my name is Mr. Bartell.

Oh.

Yeah. Second of all,

my man Adam King is signing

for four hours each day.

We move 10 mouth-breathers

through the line a minute.

He gets $75

per signature or a photo.

That's roughly about

$180,000 per day.

120 grand to me.

And 420 grand to him.

Green is for the money

and what?

Gold is for the honey.

(LAUGHS)

Every time he's not signing

autographs and taking photos,

you're literally taking

money out of my pocket.

No, sir, I wouldn't...

Wait. How much does

Adam King charge?

Go pick it up.

- Now?

- Let's go, let's go!

Yes, sir!

- How'd the panel go?

- Could've gone better.

You know, these f***ing things

are making way more money

than we are this weekend.

My show ran for four seasons,

and those four wheels

of shiny wax sh*t

broke down every episode.

One of 'em blew up once.

For no reason at all.

Just kaboom!

Hey, this is weed.

Are you a cop?

Where the hell is Wheeler?

He forgot something

in his room.

BOTH:

He's taking a sh*t.

- (PHONE RINGING)

- Oh, my God.

(RINGING CONTINUES)

I gotta call you back, Dad.

(CAR APPROACHING)

I know.

You're speechless.

Thought we were getting

an Uber.

Everyone, meet

Mr. Sean and Mr. Robert.

- Hey, guys.

- Together, they are NerdGasm.

To call these gentlemen "fans"

would be an insult.

I like to think of them

as men among boys.

Can I ask you guys,

the experts, a Con question?

Adam King, awesome or a**hole?

Wait, you mean

Captain James W. Slade?

Right. A**hole, right?

ROBERT:
AKA Future

Force's Golden Guardian?

Or Tex Johnson...

(SPITS)

US Marshal?

Uh, he's awesome.

(MIMICKING GUNSHOT)

Tell me, do you guys

pick up girls in this thing?

It's like Spanish Fly.

It's a panty-dropper.

(COUGHS)

Dorks.

By the way,

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