Supercon Page #5

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Who wrote Harry Potter?

Some f***ing b*tch in England.

WOMAN:
You mean J.K. Rowling?

- Yeah, you f***ing dork.

- Yeah, thanks!

- J.K. F***ing Rowling.

- Dumbledore!

She wrote that book after her

husband left her stone cold.

J.K. had no money.

J.K. had a baby to feed.

J.K. had to go on welfare.

J.K. didn't rob anybody.

She wrote a children's

f***ing book.

J.K. grew some balls.

And that's

what I'm talking about.

'Cause if you walk, the Gils,

the Adam Kings of the world,

they beat you.

It's time for you

to grow some big, hairy...

Harry Potter balls.

Can you do that?

With or without cancer?

(SIGHS)

You guys know

this is a dumb idea, right?

Oh, yeah, we do.

I'm in.

(GRUNTING)

(BEEPS)

You forgot one thing, ugly.

Never underestimate

Future Force.

- All right, Guardians...

- (KNOCKING)

- The bridge is secure.

- Get the door.

- (KNOCKING)

- Babe, door.

Attack formation

to the hangar.

- Sector seven, go.

- (KNOCKING)

(CLICK)

Hookers can't open doors?

- Hey!

- Oh, it's you.

(GIL LAUGHING)

Hail to the King!

(LAUGHS)

I was looking for you

in your hotel room.

After the party last night,

it was barely habitable.

You're gonna get the bill.

Don't get cheap on me, man.

All right, yeah.

So what's up, Gil?

I thought you said you were

gonna fix things around here.

You know what, Mr. King?

I'll assure you that I'ma

get to the bottom of this.

(KARATE YELL)

See, I could've killed you

right there.

You either had your hand

in her ass

or your ass won.

(LAUGHING)

Get your sh*t together, Gil.

- Yeah, I gotta get it together.

- All right.

So what's the drop, fat man?

Okay, last night,

we made about 45 grand.

That was before the incident.

So we cool, we good.

- No, no.

- We made a little money.

- We looking pretty cool.

- No, not good enough, chief.

Sorry. Jack it up.

We should've made 75 grand

this morning.

Okay, okay, okay,

I understand.

- But you know the fans...

- F*** the fans.

Those underweight

knuckle-draggers

will pay what I tell them to.

You just...

Gil, you gotta smile at 'em.

All right.

Smile right in their faces,

and you reach around and

grab their wallets, you see?

I like that, I like that.

Now, you know the cons,

we never charge you...

Stop! Shh.

Shh, don't, don't talk,

don't speak.

Say my name.

BOTH:
Adam King.

Tex Johnson, US Marshal.

The Golden Guardian, huh?

- (KNOCKING)

- MAN:
Who ordered steak and lobster?

GIL:
Get your ass in here.

- Come on, motherf***er.

- Food's here.

I have a lobster thermidor

and a porterhouse steak

extra well-done.

- Oh, yeah, all right.

- For your food.

Cristal and beluga. Yeah,

there it is, there it is.

Oh, where's my kiwi?

Babe, what color is kiwi?

Green, like money.

- That green?

- No.

Is that green? No.

- All right, it's green.

- Okay.

Looks like

a big mast of testicle.

- Okay, I'll...

- Kiwi.

- See any kiwi?

- Okay.

- Gil will take care of it.

- Yeah, come on, man.

- Here's the bill.

- F*** the bill.

Get your ass out.

Come on, Jonathan Winters.

Get your ass outta here.

F*** you. Get outta here,

Get your ass outta here.

- Yeah, big fan, Mr. King.

- Hey, f*** you.

Your movies got me through

a tough time in my childhood.

Get your ass outta here.

Eat a dick.

Woo, woo!

Yeah, take a number.

Woo, woo.

Pop a bottle

Pop a bottle on a b*tch

- Pop a bottle on a b*tch

- Woo, woo.

Pop a bottle on a bi...

No, I wasn't calling

your girl a b*tch.

It's a new song out called

"Pop a Bottle."

- 2 Chainz or one of them.

- Open that.

Okay.

I know you all must have

a ton of questions.

You know, um...

Brock, can you please not...

Brock, just... Not now.

I gotta concentrate.

Time and a place.

I got all the ins and outs

covered, you know that.

Ugh. I hope this plan is

better than your pickup lines.

Don't hold your breath.

Look, we all know that when

King leaves the stage,

he gets the f*** out of Dodge.

But not before he hands Gil

the autograph and photo money.

- Exactly.

- (FARTS)

So we have to get that money

before it gets backstage

and into King's hands.

Did you just...

How do we do it?

MATT:
We start with Brock

breaking into Gil's office

through the air vents.

When he gets to Gil's office,

he rappels down...

Think first

Mission:
Impossible...

- And takes out Callahan...

- VIDEO GAME ANNOUNCER: Fatality.

MATT:
Sub-Zero style

from Mortal Kombat.

Allison, you're gonna be

looking like Emilia Clarke

riding in on a f***ing dragon.

You lure Gil all the way

to the loading dock.

And just when Gil thinks

he's gonna get lucky,

you drop a lighter

into a puddle of gasoline

that Gil just happens

to be standing in,

turning him into

the Human Torch.

(SCREAMS)

MATT:
Now, me and Keith

are gonna meet up with Brock.

We crack the safe,

we load up the bags,

and we get the f***

out of there.

We all meet up out front

of the Con.

We're scot-free.

We celebrate.

Me and Allison make out,

just like she always planned.

That's the plan?

So much wrong with that plan.

You think I'm gonna just

light a man on fire?

KEITH:

What about Adam King?

What about security cameras?

What about Callahan?

What about people seeing

our f***ing faces?

Why don't we just do

the stormtropper thing?

Because we're doing an original.

This is not a sequel.

But I'm wearing

a Targaryen princess outfit

for absolutely no reason?

Well, one reason.

I think I could still

catch that bus.

- Well, I'm in.

- MATT:
Thank you, Brock.

You can still grow some balls

in plan B.

Right before Adam King's

panel starts,

Keith and I will be

on the floor in costumes,

so we won't get caught.

Yeah, b*tch.

Callahan will be on guard

outside Gil's office.

Allison,

it's gonna be your job

to seduce Callahan

away from the office.

You do this by having sex

with Callahan.

And in the middle of

that disgusting act,

you knock out Callahan

with a tire iron.

Now, after breaking in

through the air vents,

Brock, you're gonna radio me

and Keith, so we can come in,

grab the cash,

and skedaddlee-do outta there.

Allison, you're gonna

infiltrate, that's right,

infiltrate

the security office

and wipe all

the security footage clean,

wearing a different

sexy cosplay outfit.

Dealer's choice.

We meet up in the parking lot.

We drive off into the sunset

in Bigfoot Number One.

(ENGINE REVVING)

Allison, you and me

make out hard.

Go big, finish big.

Why am I the whore?

Why can't Keith be the whore?

- Well...

- I'll be the whore.

Bigfoot?

What, do you live in the '80s?

Oh, yeah, and on that note, I

cannot drive a monster truck.

You did in Downtown Crime.

That was Gary Jensen,

stuntman.

Not a problem, 'cause I got it

all worked out in plan C.

- Plan C?

- Plan C?

Same thing out front.

Me and Keith are gonna

be on the floor.

Brock, you're in

your favorite place.

Allison, you're still

distracting Callahan,

but you're not

having sex with him.

You just need to get him away

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