Superhero Movie

---

Stop!

Stop the bus!

The story of my life is not

for the faint of heart.

Thanks.

But, like any story

worth telling,

it's all about a girl.

Not that girl.

- Hey. Hi.

- I don't think that is a girl.

No, it's about this girl...

Jill Johnson.

Ever since I can remember

I've been in love with her,

but she barely knows

I exist.

Yo, Rick!

Yo, come here, man!

I got you a seat

down here. What's...

I'll call y'all back.

Everybody, bye.

- What's up, man?

- Hey, Trey.

Dude, I'm so psyched

for this class trip.

We about to see some real

serious cutting-edge sh*t.

Mmm.

Mm-hmm. Mmm.

That's what

I'm talking about.

Yo, you got any C batteries on you?

AAs?

Got that new sandwich

from Sony in my backpack.

Wi-Fi... mmm!

Yo! You got to forget

about her, dawg.

Look look.

Let me show you something.

She not even

looking at you.

If I could just

tell her how I feel.

Look, Rick, I already told you...

you never gonna get

with Jill, all right?

Seriously, she hangs out

with the popular crew,

and nobody messes around

outside their group, man.

Come on, that crew stuff

isn't real.

The hell it ain't.

Look around, Rick.

- Look, you got your jocks...

- Get the ball, man.

...nerds, emos,

Frodos,

the Scarface society...

...the sexual predators.

- Yeah.

- Of course you got the Rick punchers.

- The who?

- Oh!

- Yeah, they new.

Mm-hmm. But you know what?

Who cares?

'Cause we got our own crew...

me and you.

Thanks, Trey.

You're the best, man.

- Am I in?

- No.

Come on.

Hey, it's me and you, baby.

The two of us against the world.

You hear me?

You look good today.

I like your hair.

I'm gonna show you

something nasty I downloaded.

Don't tell nobody.

Welcome to Amalgamated.

I'm Dr. Strom,

head of the research department...

- Come on, man.

...where we create the future today.

And now I'd like

to show you our crown jewel.

The Amalgamated

animal genetics lab.

Whoa.

Go ahead, explore.

Yo yo. Come on, Rick.

Man, check this out.

All of our animals are

genetically engineered

and each of them has...

Oh, you're so pretty.

Hi, birdie.

Hi. Hi.

- She's beautiful, isn't she?

- Yes, she is.

Uh, I'm gonna take

a picture of her

for the school newspaper.

Our only rules:
Don't feed the animals

and please,

no flash photography.

Some of our genetically-

engineered animals

are a little sensitive

to light.

It flew away.

Uh... whoo-hoo.

What the F, loser?

Get him, Lance.

- Come on, Lance.

- Leave him alone.

- I don't think so.

Is there

a problem, Lance?

No. No problem,

Uncle Lou.

Mr. Landers!

Students,

this is Lou Landers,

visionary scientist

and C.E.O. of Amalgamated.

Well, I'm just

a businessman now.

The future of science

belongs to all of you.

Please, enjoy the tour.

Are you okay?

Yes, this is

healthy-cough blood.

Rick Riker. You're not Blaine and Julia

Riker's son, are you?

- I am.

- Ah. Good people.

- How are they?

- They died violently nine years ago.

But otherwise okay?

Yes, thank you.

I live with my aunt and uncle now.

Well, you seem

like a real chip off the old block.

Let's hope you're not

violently murdered too.

That's for making me look stupid.

Next time

I hurt you.

Yeah.

You the man, Lance.

Our work with these animals

has helped us develop

new antibiotics,

advanced pesticides

and a powerful new pheromone

which drives animals to mate

called compound H2O0.

It's a strong

sexual attractant.

A single drop is enough

to arouse any animal.

We plan on using it to breed

endangered species.

A special and indeed

often overlooked...

Our most-promising research

is with these dragonflies.

For example,

this dragonfly's skin

has a hard,

armor-like exoskeleton

to defend against...

And this species

of dragonfly

has enormous strength

for its size.

It can lift vast amounts.

More than it's body weight.

And here we've injected the DNA

from all three species

into seven

new genetically-enhanced

super dragonflies.

But there's

only six in there.

Well, one missing dragonfly

is the least of my concerns.

I lost six tigers alone

last month.

Ah!

This area is where

we keep our livestock.

Ohh.

Aren't you going

to do something?

Soon as I get

this up on YouTube.

I see. Ye... well,

yes, I understand.

Thank you

for the call.

That was

the principal.

Rick walked off

a class trip.

After all the parenting

you've done,

he's still so troubled.

Why do you think

that is, Albert?

I have no idea,

Lucille.

I have taught him everything I know

about being a man.

And a good man you are

after all these years

of marriage.

It's like we first met.

Sure, you're

a little older.

Your hair's grey.

You have crow's feet.

It takes you

an hour to pee.

Your thighs look

like cottage cheese

someone threw up

on a hot sidewalk.

And you've always had

a tiny penis.

Well... what does it matter

when you're in love?

Oh, Rick.

We were wondering

where you were.

It's so late.

About time you got home.

Your aunt was getting worried.

You can sleep late

in the morning,

but don't forget

to feed the fish.

Attaboy.

I don't know.

Something just doesn't seem

quite right with him today.

Teenagers.

I'll talk to him.

Rough day, huh?

Well, I won't lie to you.

Puberty is

a difficult time

in a young man's life.

Now this book may explain

what's happening.

Let's see.

There are mood swings, fluid retention,

and once a month you'll bleed

from your vagina.

This may be

the wrong book.

What's important is that you're on

the verge of adulthood.

Here...

take a drink.

Ah, the rituals

of manhood.

Today you have

your first beer,

and tomorrow

we'll circumcise you.

I'm losing patience,

Dr. Strom.

Please, sir, if you could just

wait a few minutes...

I've waited long enough

for this egomaniac.

We're the board of directors.

Our time is valuable.

Not as valuable

as mine, Mr. Carlson.

You see, I have

a terminal illness.

I've been

fighting it for years,

but the disease has

ravaged my organs.

As of this moment,

I have one hour left to live.

It was on sale.

Gentlemen, if you're ready,

allow me

to show you the future.

Strom.

From the... lift it ov...

lift it over!

What the hell

is that?

An innovation...

thank you...

that will not only

save my life

but the life

of this company.

For too long we've scraped out profits

from pills and injections.

The real prize is

the total cure.

A device

that can alter DNA

and restore the body

to perfect health.

- You're crazy.

- No.

Crazy is hearing voices,

talking to cats,

dating Paula Abdul.

I'm not crazy.

I'm a visionary!

Sir.

Sir, the machine's

never been fully tested.

If something should go wrong...

- Start the machine!

- Yes, sir.

Plasma level

is steady.

Genetic modification's

at optimum levels!

Sir, the core is overheating.

- Ah!

- We have to abort!

Did it work?

I'm so sorry.

Well, well, well.

I want you to know

what a joy it will be

running this company

without you in the way.

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