Superhero Movie Page #5

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lucky enough to be with her,

you could earn every second

of her perfect...

- grace,

and her limitless beauty...

- and her unending love.

- Don't cry.

- I'm not.

My eyes are burning.

Rick, I want you to know

that was the most

beautiful thing

anyone's ever said to me.

- Scented candle?

- Thank you.

Rick, I'm so confused, and yet...

- I know exactly

what I want.

Sorry to drop in uninvited.

It's okay. We were hoping someone

would open a window.

It was getting stuffy

in here.

So this is the lair

of the Dragonfly.

- How did you...

- No no no,

I'm not here to fight you. I've got

thousands of other people I plan to kill.

This little visit

is just to show you

who'll get hurt

if you get in my way.

Never!

Time to go.

The woman, Lucille Adams

of East Empire City,

- was badly injured.

- How was she injured?

- Badly.

- What about the Dragonfly?

All I can tell you is this:

he didn't save

anyone tonight.

Doctor, how is she?

I'm afraid your aunt's

taken a turn for the worse.

She can't speak, she can't walk,

she had no control over her bowels.

That's... that's awful.

I know. I went ahead and set up

a MySpace page for her

under "crazy sh*t machine."

She already has 40 friends.

Wait a minute.

That's somebody else's aunt.

Your aunt has no problem

with her bowels...

- Oh, thank God.

...because she's dead.

I'm truly sorry, Rick,

but there is a silver lining.

Your uncle came out

of his coma this morning.

He did?

Yes, but you mustn't tell him about

your aunt just yet.

He's in a delicate mental state.

The slightest bit of bad news

could send him spiraling

right back into a coma.

I understand.

Mr. Adams,

you have a visitor.

- Is it Lucille?

- No, sir, it's not your dead wife.

It's your nephew Rick.

Remember, no bad news.

Now, sir, here you go.

This is my bill.

- You did surgery on me?

- Yes, sir, we confused you

with one of our

sex-change patients,

but don't worry,

we didn't remove your penis.

We did cut your testicles off, but, well,

since your wife's dead,

you won't be

needing them anyway.

You just want

to keep his spirits up.

He'll land on his feet

in no time.

We are gathered today to say goodbye

- to Lucille Adams.

- Goodbye!

And now the eulogy.

It's tragic to think this is the last time

that I can look

upon my wife's face.

God, Lucille!

How could you take her from me?

I can't live without her!

Ahhh!

Lucille!

Snookie lumps!

I'm sorry, there's been

a terrible mistake.

- This is your wife.

- Ah!

She is this man's wife.

Give me five minutes.

- Uncle Albert!

- I'm not finished.

You're one lucky guy.

Now...

where's Lucille?

Ah, Lucille!

I do have this coupon

for a cremation.

Rick?

I am so sorry

for your loss.

What is it?

I know I said some things,

but now more than ever,

I realize...

we can never be together.

I don't believe you.

You love me, Rick.

I know you do.

Jill, trust me.

I'm telling you this for your own good.

I don't love you.

You're no longer

in my five.

How could you?

# When I was young #

# I never needed anyone #

# Makin' love

was just for fun #

# Those days are gone #

# All by myself #

# Don't wanna be #

# All by myself #

# Anymore #

# All by myself #

# Don't wanna be #

# All by myself. #

# Anymore #

# All by myself #

# Don't want to be #

# All by myself #

# Anymore #

# All by myself. #

You can't keep

getting lucky, man.

You only beat me

by two strokes this time.

And the back nine

is what killed.

Oh my God!

- Look at this place.

- Yo, what are you doing, man?

You gotta pull

yourself together, dude.

What's the point?

Look at you...

eating junk food,

wearing fake beards,

and we found your costume

in the garbage outside.

Yeah, well, I'm not

the Dragonfly anymore.

But you said the Hourglass

was going to kill thousands of people.

I told you I'm no hero.

All right? Aunt Lucille's dead,

I've rejected the only girl

I've ever loved

and I can't even fly.

I wish I'd never been bitten

by that stupid dragonfly.

And maybe your father

shouldn't have given you this after all.

Look at the words

your ancestors inscribed in that ring.

"Honor, valor, sacrifice,

duty, commitment,

bravery, justice,

integrity, brotherhood,

self-esteem, low prices,

affordable housing,

loose-fitting pants,

cheap internet porn."

The rest is in Latin.

Rick, the hero's path

is dangerous.

You may fail or you may fly.

All that matters

is that you do it

for the best of reasons.

Helping others, Rick,

that's what makes you

a real hero.

Maybe you're right,

but even if I wanted to stop

the Hourglass,

I wouldn't know

where to start.

I mean, where's he gonna

find thousands of people in one place?

Look.

Reporting here live from the

Empire City convention center

where thousands of people

are in one place,

but none of them

more important

than the attendees

of the World Humanity Awards.

I'll drive.

Well, that shortcut through the playground

sure saved us some time.

You go ahead,

I'll find

a place to park.

Mister, please stop!

Each year

the World Humanity Awards

are held to honor

the greatest achievements

on behalf of all humanity.

This gala event

is expected to draw

the world's most prestigious

leaders to Empire City.

- Excuse us, excuse us!

- "Empire City Times."

Damn! Look,

there go Prince Charles.

And Nelson Mandela.

Nelson!

Hey, I was

in jail too, man.

One of the guests here

is the Hourglass.

But which one?

Thank you so much

for inviting us, Mr. Landers.

Well, when you're being

honored by the world,

you want

your family with you.

Perhaps one day, you could

be part of our family too.

Ladies and gentlemen,

our first award

is for the medical

breakthrough of the year.

For his company's

pioneering work

in the field

of feminine hygiene

I award Lou Landers

douchebag of the year.

# Douchebag #

# He's the douchebag

of the year #

# Now ain't

he great, folks? #

# Ain't he grand?

The douchebag of the year. #

# Douchebag #

# He's Mr. Douchebag

of the year #

# Look at him smile,

look at him shine #

# He's the douchebag of,

the douchebag of the year. #

Hold up the douchebag!

Hold up the douchebag, sir.

Stop right there, Landers.

Mr. Riker.

So...

you know.

You're damn right I do.

Someone in this auditorium

is the Hourglass.

I need your help

to figure out who it is.

Now the Hourglass

could be anyone...

a guest of honor...

maybe even

a stagehand.

This may be nothing,

but I did see a man

with what looked like

a canister of

cerillium.

Who?

- This year's lifetime achievement award...

- Him.

...goes to one of the world's

greatest souls,

His Holiness,

the Dalai Lama.

This man isn't who you think

he is, he's the Hourglass.

No no,

I'm a man of peace.

Shut up! You're plotting

to kill all these people

and I can prove it.

Show the world

the armor you're hiding

under these robes.

You can't fool me,

Hourglass.

You're packing 10 lbs

of Cerillium under there.

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