Superstar Page #2

Mary, welcome to special ed.

- My name is...

- Helen Lewengrub.

Is that all you got ?

She was center for

the girl's basketball team.

She was a lean,

mean fighting machine.

Do you have a best friend ?

You wanna be my best friend ?

Maybe. I have to be

really honest with you.

Your intense energy is making me

feel a little bit bombarded.

Sorry. Totally.

When I call your name,

just say "here, "hmm?Hmm?Hmm?

- Howard Feinstein? Hmm?

- Yo! Present.

Howard thinks all the girls

in school wanna sleep with him.

And the boys too.

You wanna quit

looking at me, fruity.

I don't play butt darts, okay ?

I love the ladies.

- Owen Flanagan ?

- Here. Here. Here. Here. Here.

Owen has

obsessive-compulsive disorder.

He says everything,

like,five times.

- Maria Ganitisis?

- Here.

But, uh, the devil

speaks for me, obviously.

[Father]

Ah.

- Thomas Smith?

- Here.

But I don't know where here is, man,

'cause I'm so wasted, man.

Thomas, stop pretending

that you're high on drugs.

It is a sin to even pretend

that you're-- you're-- you're baked.

He's too scared

to actually take drugs.

- Drugs are bad.

- Eric Slater ? Hmm ?

[ Both ] Retards !

[ Laughing ]

Would you please go back

to your own class? Please. Go !

Mr. Slater, I presume. Hmm ?

How come he's not answering?

Slater just transferred here

from public school.

He's crazy.

They say he chopped up his parents.

And now he never talks.

[Clears Throat] Let's try it again.

Eric Slater? Hmm ?

Yes, well, moving on.

[ Clears Throat ]

[ Chuckles ]

Hey, new friend.

Did you see that sign

they're putting up?

"Catholic Teenager Magazine

presents...

"the Let's Fight Venereal Disease

Talent Contest.

"Winner gets a free trip

to Hollywood--

[ Both ]

And a chance to be an extra...

in a movie

with positive moral values."

Oh, God.

[Man]

Miss Gallagher!

Miss Gallagher, so how

does it feel to be an extra...

in a movie

with positive moral values ?

- It feels okay.

- [Man] Miss Gallagher.

How does it feel to have

everyone wanna kiss you...

that particular way

you wanna be kissed ?

Miss Gallagher,

howdoes it feel to be a superstar?

[Mary]

This was my chance.

If I could win the talent contest,

Sky's lips would definitely be mine.

Hey, everybody. I dreamt of

this new dance move last night.

I call this The Fax Machine.

- [ Buzzing ]

- Oh !

I wish I could dance

with Sky Corrigan.

Sky's definitely the Swayziest,

but he's gonna dance with Evian.

- Exactly! You did it perfectly.

- [ Laughing ]

You're so good.

[ Engine Rewing ]

What do you think Slater

would do in the talent show ?

Maybe he'll murder some people...

and make a flesh coat

by sewing their skin hides together.

[ Groans ]

I'm sorry.

I was rewinding Silence of the Lambs

at the video store yesterday.

lsn't it romantic

"Merely to be young"

On such a night

As this

lsn't it romantic

Merely to be young

On such a night as this

Sweet

Singing in the moonlight

[ Man Speaking ]

lntroductions are important.

When introducing oneself,

first make eye contact.

With a confident smile,

say, "Hi. I'm--"

- Mary Katherine Gallagher.

- Not bad. Try again.

Hi. I'm Mary Katherine Gallagher.

- And where is your hand ?

- Right here.

In a new friend's hand,

that's where.

[TV]

[ Slurping ]

So, I was--

[ Clears Throat ]

I was saying that I was thinking

of entering the talent contest.

The talent contest ?

No, no ! You have

to study business.

- But--

- No buts !

[Mary] And forgive those

who trespass against us.

Please, God, convince my grandmother

to let me be in the talent show...

so that I can get kissed,

maybe by Sky Corrigan.

[ Whistling ]

Superstar !

The Body of Christ.

- The Body of Christ.

- Amen.

- The Body of Christ.

- Are these nonfat ?

"[ChoirSinging "A ve Maria "]

[ Chuckling ]

Hey, Mary.

Why so glum ?

My grandmother won't let me

audition for the talent show.

The only boy willing

to go near me is Howard.

Mmm.

Just, like, audition anyway

and don't tell her.

Really ?

You think so ?

That's it.

You're feeling sad.

- So you know what it's time for ?

- What ?

Supermodel

documentary hour.

Shall I look straight here ?

I was just walking

down the street one day,

and a man come up to me

and he said,

"Would you like

to be a supermodel ?"

I said, "Oui, " and the next day

I'm on the cover of Vogue.

Christy Turlington

and Naomi Campbell...

are two of my very best friends.

When we get together, it is, like,

total, total and utter insanity.

Insanity! lt's like three of the

most gorgeous girls raising hell.

Problem, ladies ?

Sorry, Father Ritley.

Sorry.

Sorry, everybody.

Sorry.

[Tape Rewinding]

- Excuse me.

- Whoa. Sorry.

- You're cool ?

- You scared me.

Yeah, I'm okay.

Your boss sent me back here

to find a movie.

Hey, don't you

go to my school ?

Yes, I do.

Listen, I'm looking for

a made-for-TV movie from the '70s...

starring John Travolta,

The Boy in the Plastic Bubble ?

That's my 19th favorite

made-for-TV movie of all time.

- That's my 19th also.

- Wow.

Yeah.

"All around me.

Plastic."

- "A bubble for me--"

- "To be--"

"Germ free. You--"

- "And me."

- "And me."

Sky, forget that stupid old movie.

I'm getting Flubber again.

Okay, Evian.

Hey, nice meeting you.

Mary Katherine Gallagher.

Mary Katherine Gallagher.

- Sky.

- Sky.

- Be kind. Rewind.

- Okay.

[ Laughing ]

That's funny.

Evian ?

- Mary, rewind this.

- Oh, sure.

The Boy in the Plastic Bubble.

I used to watch that movie

all the time. See ya.

Bye.

Listen, I'll be back later

to help you get inside, okay ?

[ Quoting Dialogue ]

ls he the one you're going with ?

Who says I'm going with anybody ?

Todd, put your face

up against the plastic.

- What for ?

- I did what you wanted me to do.

Now do it.

Do it. Do it.

[ Sighs ]

[ Humming ]

Hey, Mare.

What you doing ?

Well, I was just

doing the robot.

It's something that I was thinking

about doing for the talent show.

Hi, Mary. I like to do all I can

to help the challenged.

So a word ofadvice.

I wouldn't say "Superstar"

anymore...

because some people might say

that you super-suck.

Go suck your

boyfriend's ding-a-ling.

- Go shave your mustache, Helen.

- Or should we say Geraldo ?

Gotta go jog for glaucoma.

Bye.

Evian, you're a superass !

Evian does have a super ass.

[ Helen ]

Oh, I know.

That's okay.

[ Sniffs ]

Hey, Mare.

- You want half of my Sloppy Joseph?

- No, thanks.

It's time to feed the retards !

- Hey, cut it out !

- Wanna make something out of this ?

Maybe you want some of my salad

all over your face!

Aah !

Helen, have you ever

kissed a boy before ?

Owen kissed me five times

on the cheek once.

- Really ?

- Hey, Owen.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi.

- I don't mean on the cheek.

- Okay, who do you wanna kiss ?

Todd, peanut butter and jelly.

Classic.

- Vivica, low-fat salad.

- Sky Corrigan.

But, Mare, Sky's taken.

- You should kiss Howard.

- Ugh.

He likes you.

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