Svengali Page #2

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- With Shell?

- Yeah, of course with Shell.

Hey, so, Horsey, how's it going, son?

Nobody calls me Horsey any more.

Right. Look at you.

I'm so proud of you, top A&R man

and all that kind of stuff.

Do you know what I mean?

And we go way back, don't we?

We were tight as kids.

We had the best bands on in South Wales.

Do you know what I mean? And listen,

I found a mint band, mate.

- Great. Yeah. What are they called?

- The Premature Congratulations.

- Never heard of them.

- Listen, nobody'd heard of the Beatles...

Please tell me you're wearing that ironically.

Oh, look, I'm really busy, Dix.

I got to go, okay?

- Hey, Horse, have a pint with me, son.

- I don't drink any more, Dix.

A cup of tea, then? Horse, it's me, man.

Look, two minutes, right! Walk with me.

That's all I need, son.

Come on, man. We're on London time now.

Okay. Just got to play you this

and then we can...

Jesus! Man! Dix! Man... Oh! It's a cassette!

I know, mate. Retro novelty angle.

People go mad for it.

It's like Polaroid cameras are back in now,

big time.

A&R men, they don't listen to cassettes

any more. They haven't got a cassette player.

It'll be like Oasis and the Pistols.

No media training,

-we unleash them on the world...

- Oh, my God!

Look what time it is! Right, I got to go.

- I'll come with you.

- Brilliant, Dix.

DIXIE:
Do you remember that band,

the Four Year Old Virgin?

You know from Llanelli.

- They were all Brummies, moved down.

- No, I don't.

DIXIE:
I was looking after them, right.

The lead singer,

he was like a manic depressive.

HORSEY:
Right.

DIXIE:
Kept trying to kill himself.

Under a train, threw himself in the sea,

tried to set fire to himself.

He was mental. I said, "Listen, mate,

whatever you do, wait until you're famous.

"That's what you do. You wait until

you're famous and then you kill yourself.

-"And then you become even more famous."

- All right.

This is me, okay? Right? This is me.

What is it?

Well, it's Soho House.

A members club. It's exclusive.

What? Like a working men's club?

Yeah, exactly like a working men's club, Dix.

Right...

Can you sign me in?

No, I can't. Okay, I'll see you later, Dix. Okay?

- Hang on, Horse. Have a listen to that.

- Right.

- I'll wait for you, okay?

- Great.

- I'll just be by here, okay?

- All right.

(BICYCLE BELL RINGING)

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)

Are we lending money to mods now?

IRISH PIERRE:
You don't see that much

around Belfast, I tell ya.

Walking around town with a parka jacket

with a f***ing target on the back.

Why is that?

Get up them stairs.

Horsey!

Oh, Jesus wept! What is wrong with you?

You stalking me or what?

You listen to the tape?

Oh, mate, listen to me.

I came to London

to get away from twats like you. Okay?

But, Bri? There's no need to be like that.

Shut up! Just come on. He's a simpleton.

- Sorry, what's your name?

- I'm Dixie.

Dixie. I'm Natasha.

- Hi, Tash.

- Nice to meet you.

- And you as well.

- Come on!

I'm sorry about this.

NATASHA:
What is your problem?

DIXIE:
Horsey?

NATASHA:
He seemed really nice.

Horse!

No. You dropped your tele...

SHELL:
Oh, look, Dixie, there's BT Tower.

It's post office tower.

It's the post office's tower.

Oh.

DIXIE:
Anyway, come on,

I got to go meet him.

SHELL:
Have you told Horsey

that you're gonna come?

I'll ring him now.

(MOBILE RINGING)

Answer that. Quick, quick.

- Hello?

- Hello. (LAUGHS)

Dixie. Make sure

you give him his phone back.

-I will.

- Right.

I'll meet you outside Topshop

in half an hour, okay?

All right.

Where is Topshop?

Oh, Dixie! Try your map! You like maps.

I'll meet you by the post office tower.

Yeah, whatever.

All right, Horse?

Give me my phone, you twat.

Got it here.

I can't believe

you've been ringing these numbers.

Bono's management is well pissed off!

Come on, you got to ring Bono's number

if you got it, man.

You f***ing played him music.

He had no memory left on his phone.

He's in the jungle with Sting!

Sting. I wouldn't ring Sting anyway.

What... it was the only person

you didn't ring!

Is that Alan McGee?

No, it's not Alan McGee.

lt just looks like Alan McGee.

Yes, it is. It's Alan McGee. Alan! All right?

No, I bet you took all the numbers down

on this phone, didn't you?

No, you can't. Your BlackBerry

doesn't transfer to Pay-As-You-Go.

- All right? How you doing, mate?

- How you doing?

- Big fan, mate. Massive fan.

- Yeah, yeah. What's your name?

- Dixie.

- Dixie? All right, how are you doing?

Yeah, I'm Dixie, yeah. I'm an old mate of his.

Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry, Alan.

He's like a disabled bloke from home.

Listen, I've got... I manage a band.

You'd love them, actually.

They sound a bit like The Stooges.

All right, okay. It's a cassette.

Yeah, well, retro novelty angle.

That's what I said to him.

It's real unusual,

because the last time I got one of these

was in '93 off Oasis' Noel Gallagher.

King Tut's Wah Wah Hut,

that's where you signed them! Massive fan.

Oasis, Mary Chain,

I love them all, mate. Primals...

- Yeah.

- Get us a pint in, mate.

Dixie, we got stuff to do, okay?

So be a stranger.

No, listen,

just gonna finish my chat with Alan.

No. I can't, mate. Just be a stranger, Dix.

Come on, we're just having a little chat.

No, just 20 minutes.

One pint, that's all I want. Just one pint.

Just f*** off!

Cheers, Alan. Nice meeting you, mate.

Hey, listen,

we'll meet again down the road, right?

Yeah, sure.

ALAN:
Cool. Be cool.

He's just enthusiastic, dude.

Yeah, "enthusiastic," that's the word.

Alan, got a juice there for you.

Ah, brilliant, brilliant.

Listen, I'm not being funny,

but I'm gonna have to go. Just got a text.

- What?

- But you're looking good, man.

Sexy.

Thanks.

Put a whisky in that for me, will you, mate?

Dixie!

- Hey. Great meeting you, man.

- Oh, and you as well.

Great, right, right.

You know, I love cassettes, so...

- You do?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Anytime you need to call me, anytime,

a bit of advice.

- I love the spirit, man. I love it.

- Thank you very much.

- Cheers, Alan. Thanks, Alan, that's great.

- All right. Be cool, man.

Cheers. All the best.

(DIALLING)

(MOBILE RINGING)

ALAN:
Hello.

Hi, Alan, it's me. It's Dixie.

I'm just making sure this is the number

and this is you. This is you, isn't it?

Thank you. Cheers, Alan. Ta-ra.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, f*** off!

- He's coming back. Quick! Run! Run!

- Dixie! What are you doing?

Oi!

- F*** off back to Notting Hill.

- Bloody lucky.

- Oi, Dixie!

- Come back if you think you're so tough!

- Stop it!

- He's coming back!

Oh, my God! Dixie!

Take one.

- Got it?

- Yeah.

- Remembered it?

- Yeah.

Okay, does it say, "The Prems"?

- Look at that!

- Oh, my God!

MACCA:
Did I say that though?

- Did I say that though?

- You did say it.

- Is that what I said, is it?

- Yeah, you did.

- Did I say that?

- You owe us one beer.

Found you, then, boys.

Why'd you make us

come all the way up here, man?

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