Svengali Page #3

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Yeah, four stops on the Tube.

Are you f***ing mental?

Yeah, and I paid for the tickets,

and I want my money back, okay?

Yeah, I'll sort the money back, no worries.

So listen, I've had an idea. I've got a plan.

A one-off seminal gig.

What does that mean?

It means no more gigs, right,

other than one gig here

which will become a massive event.

- No.

- What exactly does that mean?

No, no, no, boys. Listen to me.

Trust me on this.

Have I let you down yet?

I've been thinking about this for days.

London is full of boring bands.

Second-rate Kasabian wannabes

in skinny jeans and leather jackets,

it's boring, man.

Who wants to be the slag in school?

- Who wants the slag?

- I want to be the slag.

Yeah, you do, probably.

Everybody wants the girl

that nobody can get.

Do you want to be Shakin' Stevens or Elvis?

You know what I mean?

Do you want to be the Monkees

or do you want to be the Beatles?

That's how good you are.

We'll make this gig like when the Pistols

played the 100 Club.

Or when the Roses played the Hacienda.

I'm serious, it'll be that kind of gig.

They'll talk about it for years to come.

If you play here, they will come.

I guarantee it.

- Who will come?

- Alan McGee, for a start.

- F*** off, man.

Bollocks, man.

Ring him. His number's on there.

- That could be anyone.

- Ring it! Ring it now!

- MACCA:
Yeah, ring it.

- All right, fine.

-(RINGING TONE)

- I'll sort the gig out.

All right, butt?

Are you the guy that puts the bands on?

Might be.

- Can you put my band on?

- If you like.

- How much is it?

-500 quid.

Five hundred? Oh, that's well decent.

Help me out no end this month.

I'm a bit squeezed, like.

Do you know what I mean?

It's 500 quid to hire the venue.

- Oh, I pay you?

- Yeah.

That's bollocks. It's not like that in Wales.

- Is that McGee? Alan McGee?

- This is McGee. Leave a message.

F***. Hi, Alan.

(LAUGHING)

- What night can we have?

- Thursday is free.

We top of the bill?

You pay 500 quid, you can be

the only band on the bill. How about that?

- When do we pay by?

- Tomorrow.

- You accept cheque?

- Do I f***?

-(MACCA LAUGHING)

- F***ing McGee, man.

This is on it.

JAKE:
On it like a bloody bonnet, innit?

F***ing hell, Dix. Alan f***ing McGee, man.

DIXIE:
I told you boys it's happening.

You got to trust me.

And listen,

you're headlining here next Thursday.

(CHEERING)

I'll get some beers in. So what do you want?

No, I think they deserve champagne.

Don't you think, boys?

- Yeah, Tabby's right, man. Champagne.

- Good, champagne.

Champagne, yeah.

Expensive stuff and all.

All right, champagne it is.

Excuse me. Can I have a bottle

of your cheapest champagne, please?

Yeah.

All right, Dix.

Listen, man, me and the boys,

we're a little bit low on funds.

- Yeah, we need the rent.

- Yeah.

Boys, I'm a bit strapped myself.

I've had to pay for tapes.

Dix, I'm not even being an arse

when I say this, boss,

but if you can't sort it out,

we'll get someone who can.

Yeah.

How much do you owe?

Ah, six months.

Six months? What have you been doing

with your money, boys?

Keep livin' Ia vida loca and all.

35 quid, please.

DIXIE:
l walked in there, right,

like John Wayne.

SHELL:
Mmm.

And I went up to him and I said,

"Give my band a gig, top of the bill."

Oh, Dixie, that's amazing.

- How much is he...

-(BURPS)

SHELL; Ugh!

How much is he gonna pay, though?

- Plenty. Don't worry about that.

-"Plenty."

Will it be enough for us to have, like,

a palace in Gothenburg?

Gothenburg? Who the f*** do you know

in Gothenburg, Shell?

I know a person in every country.

In the world?

In the world.

I'll name them. Adamel.

- Chiportate.

-(CHUCKLES)

Barbotana. (LAUGHS)

I'm gonna drop, Dixie.

(GRUNTING)

- Strength of a bear. Speed of a puma.

-(LAUGHING)

Go on, baby, you can do it.

Go on up, leave the door.

- You can do it. I believe in you.

- I know. I know.

- I believe you can fly.

- I believe you're breaking my back.

I can believe you can... Hello, Katya.

Never mind these hellos.

I need to talk to you.

DIXIE:
Nice earrings, love.

I don't like them.

- You are late with your rent payments.

- Oh.

No, what it is, right, because I'm Welsh,

it's like a foreign country,

like where you'd have come from.

You f***ing think I stupid?

You're from the Wales, you're not foreign.

You get me my money

by the end of next week,

or you can f*** off back to the Wales, okay?

- Who do you think you are talking to...

- Easy, tiger.

-(KATYA HISSING)

- SHELL:
Tell her about the f***ing radiators

-that have never worked...

- DIXIE:
Steady, tiger.

SHELL:
...since we bloody lived here.

DIXIE:
Here.

SHELL:
Quick, 'cause she's

gonna murder us.

DIXIE:
Come in, come in.

SHELL:
Oh, my God.

SHELL:
Freezing in here. Honestly.

We're both gonna have to get jobs

to pay the rent.

- Jobs?

- Yeah.

We need to get a job.

- I could be a pimp.

- You can't pimp me out.

I could pimp that ass out.

I reckon I'd get a pound a shot for it.

A pound? You'd have more than a pound,

you cheeky sod.

One pound, 10 pence, then.

Ten, yeah. We're gonna have to use the...

We have to use the wedding fund, Dix.

We can't use that.

- Got to.

-(DIXIE URINATING)

That's... I'm marrying you with that.

- Are you really gonna marry me?

- Yeah.

Are you pissing in the sink?

Well, I can't go back out there. She's mental.

Dixie, you can't piss in the sink.

- I've done it now.

- Oh, God.

She's knocked the water off.

Ah! Cheeky f***ing b*tch.

Oi, me nana made me that. Don't do that.

(SNIFFING) It smells of piss now.

Ugh!

It smells like piss. Ugh, I smelled it again.

(LAUGHING)

- Give me a kiss.

- No.

- Come on, baby, give me a kiss.

- No.

Come on. Come and give me a kiss.

- Pissy kiss?

- Pissy kiss.

- Pissy...

- Yeah.

(GIGGLES)

SHELL:
I think I'm gonna be sick.

(SHELL SIGHING)

DIXIE:
Is that it?

SHELL; Yeah.

Right, well,

I'll ring you when I'm on my lunch

and let you know how I'm getting on.

All right. Well, good luck, yeah.

Yeah, and you.

See you after, okay?

See you in a bit.

Excuse me, mate.

Do you know where lnverness Street is?

lnverness Street is just down there, bro.

- Just there on the right, is it?

- Just straight down there.

Fantastic. Do you do CDs, yeah?

- This is my album, bro.

- Is it?

Yeah, man. All independent music, brother.

See, well, you made a big fan.

- I'm a manager myself.

- Okay.

Yeah, The Prems. Have a tape.

Have a listen.

All right, man. I'll give it a listen, man.

I will do. I will do. Nice one.

- I'll give you a bump.

- Have a good day.

I'll shake your hand,

that's what we do in Wales.

Have a good day. Ta-ra, man.

All the best. Thanks.

Just there on the right, yeah?

- Just down there, bro.

- Brilliant, thank you.

(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING

ON SPEAKERS)

DON:
No, sorry, it's not

the sort of thing I do, mate.

Yep.

You know the kind of music I do in here.

Listen. Listen to this.

Do you hear that? That's music. Right?

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