Svengali Page #4

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Coldplay ain't f***ing music, mate.

- All right, butt?

- All right.

I believe you're looking for work.

Me? No, I've got work. This is my shop.

Oh, yeah, sorry,

I meant it's in Loot you require help.

And I'm...

I'd be perfect here 'cause I love music.

She put it in the f***ing paper.

Listen, mate,

I do a very specific kind of music here.

For a clientele who really appreciate

and understand that music, yeah?

And I'm not sure that's you.

Yeah, I know. Well, you're a mod, like me.

- What, you mean you're a mod?

- Yeah.

- What makes you a mod?

- Well...

- How are you a mod?

- Well, my clothes...

What, a two-bit f***ing parka and a Merc

T-shirt? Doesn't make you a mod, mate.

Yeah, I... Well, I... But I live the lifestyle.

What's the life?

Looking after yourself and being tidy,

and, you know,

having a... Being kokum on things.

Do what?

Kokum. It's that saying, you know, that...

"In difficult times, you've got to..."

"Clean living under difficult circumstances."

What about it?

- Yes! That's it! You know, see?

- Yes, I do know it, yeah.

You're like me, man.

F***ing hell. I'm sorry,

there's no work for you here, mate.

- There you go, Don. Who's this?

- Oh, my name is Dixie.

- Oh. Please tell me for the job.

- Yeah.

God, brilliant.

We haven't had anybody in a fortnight,

and we're gonna go away

for a couple of weeks next month.

- And you're a mod.

- What...

Thank you. I manage a band as well.

They're gonna be massive.

Oh. Brilliant. When can you start?

What... Ange, do I get a say in this?

Okay, Don, have your say.

- When can you start?

- Today.

DON:
Oh, sorry, we don't need anyone today.

Yes, we do! We need someone now, actually.

We have got a massive order out back

that needs sorting out and sending.

This is my shop. This is my shop.

It's my name on the door. Do you mind?

Can I handle this please?

Okay, okay, okay, sweetheart.

You carry on with your interview.

It's not an interview, is it?

- Where was I?

- When can I start?

Shut up. You shut up. All right?

Listen, just give us a minute. Just f*** off.

Oh, okay.

ANGE:
He might not be the sharpest...

Not the sharpest?

Look, he's special needs.

ANGE:
I don't care what he looks like,

as long as he can do the job.

And if I don't have that holiday,

I will go mental.

(SIGHS)

- One day's trial.

- Brilliant.

- What's your name again, love?

- Oh, I'm Dixie.

- Dixie, Ange.

- Hiya, Ange. Nice to meet you.

- Don.

- Don.

ANGE:
Okay, well, there's loads of vinyl.

Don will show you what to do.

And it's cash in hand. Is that okay?

Oh, that's brilliant. Thank you both so much.

I really appreciate this.

Can I ask one thing though?

Can I get an advance?

So, Burnsy, I've had McGee on.

You know what they say.

When the Scots Man calls it, you follow.

Exactly. What have the NME said?

That they're f***ing mint.

- Have you heard them?

- I'm all over it, Francine.

Like a tramp on a bag of chips.

I got a cassette, too.

- A cassette?

- Yeah.

- F***ing genius.

- I know.

I'm off radar from tonight.

Auditioning a few more sperm donors.

So, Burnsy, will you get me this band?

I will, Francine.

(MOBILE RINGING)

- Hello.

- I'm pulling the gig, son.

Hang on a minute now, mate.

I told you no dough, no show.

Look, I'll get 500 pound there

for tonight, okay?

By 8:
00, otherwise you can get to f***!

Shell? Shell?

(DOOR OPENS)

- All right, love?

- Yeah. You?

- Yeah. I didn't know you were in.

- I was having a wee.

- How was work?

- Oh, it was horrible.

The girls are really bitchy,

but it's fine 'cause we got the gig tonight.

- Yeah, I know.

- I'm dead excited.

I've got you some cash as well.

Couldn't get much. 50 quid.

Brilliant. That'll pay for the van.

Yeah. I've got to go and get ready.

JEREMY:
What do they sound like?

Is that a CD?

(CHUCKLES)

He gives them out on cassette.

He's a f***ing idiot, you know.

We burnt the one he gave us, didn't we, Bri?

Remember, in the fire in The Griffin?

- All right, you two...

- Remember, it went all bendy?

NATASHA:
You're such d*cks about this.

Cassettes, it's retro, it's cool.

You're saying that you like the cassettes,

yeah?

I think you're right.

Okay, so we have the Scots Man over here,

and he's keen.

And we have the Scots Lady over here,

and she's keen.

And as a result, the Northern Monkey man

whose name I cannot remember...

It's Burnsy, Jeremy.

Whose name I cannot remember is also keen.

So I don't think it takes a brainiac

to work out what the next step would be.

No, absolutely. Yeah.

And if you f***ing interrupt me again,

I will set you on fire. Am I clear?

(MOBILE RINGING)

Go and get the f***ing cassette.

All of you.

Cheers, Jez.

SHELL:
(SIGHING) I can't see it in here, Dix.

Look for the date.

Oh, my God! Wow!

- See?

- Well, that's amazing.

DIXIE:
It's good, isn't it?

SHELL:
Pick Of the Week in the NME.

If they said be here at 7:20,

that's when we need to be here.

TOMMY:
Oh, f***ing brilliant, he's here.

You late on purpose?

I was on the Tube.

TOMMY:
We're freezing.

- Waiting here freezing cold, boss.

- Sorry.

Don't smoke in my face,

peace and love.

-(MOBILE RINGING)

- Oh, it's Horsey. It's Horsey.

Go on then.

- Hello.

- HORSEY:
All right, Dix.

Look, I just wanted to say

that I'm really sorry about the other day.

I was a bit pissed

and, you know, all that stress and so...

That's all right, Horse.

Yeah, it's Brian these days, actually.

Okay.

Hey, look, I was just wondering whether

I could bring a few people down to the gig.

Ah, you know, from the company and stuff.

Is that all right?

Yeah, yeah, you can come to the gig tonight,

and you can bring who you want.

Hang on, love. There's somebody beeping,

-trying to get through.

-It's your mum.

Listen, Horse, my mother's ringing.

I'm gonna put you on hold, right?

- What? Dix.

- Just wait there.

Hang on tight.

I don't know, I'll just pull over and take this.

(GRUNTS)

- Hello, Mam.

- DIXIE'S MAM:
Hiya, love.

How did you know it was me?

I keep telling you this, Mam.

You come up as "Mam" on my phone.

Oh, right!

Too clever, mind, isn't it?

Modern technology.

Anyway, as you said, it's your mam speaking.

Yeah, I know. How are you doing, Mam?

Are you there?

So, what's the matter, Mam?

I got somebody waiting, see.

Really? Can they hear me, too?

They can't hear you, Mam.

God, I mean, how do they do that, isn't it?

I don't know, Mam.

How long can they wait then?

I don't know, Mam.

Oh, do you know who it is?

It's Horsey, Mam.

Never! I was talking to his Uncle Idris

by the Pound Shop last Thursday.

He's having terrible problems with his knees.

Mam, Mam, Mam, listen. I'm super busy.

Can I give you a call back later?

Is that all right?

Okay, love. I just wanted a quick chat

about your father, that's all.

About Dad? Why? What's the matter?

He's not well at all, love.

Well, I know, he's had a bad chest for years.

No, I know. But it's his bowels.

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