Sweet Charity Page #9

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You couldn't get a new cake,

ya cheapskate?

That's all they had on

such short notice. Oh!

No, no, no!

It's the sentiment that counts.

I thank you and Oscar thanks

you and Angelo thanks you.

You know something, pal?

For a broad she's got a lot of class.

Somebody get

Mr. Whatsit a beer.

The present,

the present!

Charity Hope Valentine, we who have

lived with you, undressed with you,

suffered the indignities of

this crummy joint with you. Aw!

We who have come to

know you and to love you,

on this,

your nuptial eve...

Shut up!

We just want to wish you...

I think I'm gonna cry.

Will ya quit slobberin'

all over the cake?

Get down! Let me do it!

Hold it down.

Charity, honey,

we just wanted to...

God, we're gonna

miss you, girl!

I'll give it to her. I'm the

one that picked it out anyway.

Charity, please accept this gift

as a token of our estimation.

I hope it's a nice gift.

I wonder what...

What the hell kind of

a wedding present is that?

I thought she was pregnant. Isn't

that why she's getting married?

It's the nicest, nicest

wedding present I ever got.

That a girl!

All right, folks. You know it ain't

often that one of our group goes off...

to marry a nice,

respectable guy.

As a matter of fact, this is the

first time it's ever happened.

So in honor of

our own blushing bride-to-be,

Miss Charity Valentine,

I would like to say...

Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!

Gee!

It's tough for a

loudmouthed mug like me

Who all the time

bellows like a bull

To make with the words

about the missus-to-be

When what you think is

an empty heart is full

Tomorrow when you say

I do

I'll die

I'm almost too ashamed

To tell you why

I:

Love to cry at weddings

How I love to cry

at weddings

I walk into a chapel

and get happily hysterical

The ushers and attendants

The family dependents

I see them

and I start to sniff

Have you an

extra handkerchief

And all through the service

while the bride and groom look nervous

Tears of joy are streaming

down my face Down his face

I love to cry at weddings

anybody's wedding

Anytime, anywhere, anyplace

I always weep at weddings

I'm a soggy creep at weddings

Oh, what's so sweet and sloppy as,

oh, promise me and all that jazz

The man you rest your head with,

the man you share your bed with

Is married to you so you know

He won't jump up

and dress and blow

- I could marry Herman

- And be permanently sorry

We would make

a really lousy pair

But, gee I want a wedding

any kind of wedding

Anytime, anyplace, anywhere

And all through the service while

the bride and groom look nervous

Tears of joy

are streaming down my face

I love to cry at weddings

anybody's wedding

Anytime, anywhere

Anyplace

doodle-le-do

I love to cry at weddings

How I love to cry at weddings

I walk into a chapel

and get happily hysterical

The ushers

and attendants

The family dependents

I see them

and I start to sniff

Have you an

extra handkerchief

And all through the service

While the bride and groom

look nervous

I drink champagne

And sing Sweet Adeline

I love to cry

At weddings

Anybody's wedding

Just as long as it's not mine

Okay, everybody,

the food is on me!

Hey, Johnnie. Uh,

Lindquist. Oscar Lindquist.

Yeah, you just make sure you

treat her right. You get me?

Yes, of course.

'Cause she's entitled,

I mean, really entitled.

If I was to list all the rotten deals that

sweet, stupid, hard-luck dame's been dealt...

If I was to tell you...

There's no need, really.

Oh, yeah, that's right.

You know all about it.

Frankly, I was dead set

against her telling ya anything.

But it seems

you're a saint.

She tells you everything and

you say it doesn't matter, right?

That's right.

Say it again.

Ha, ha, she hasn't been makin'

a pitch for herself, has she?

Well, he's taken.

Hold this for me, would ya?

I'll be right back.

Well.

Well.

Well.

It can happen, though,

you see?

You just gotta keep hopin'.

That's the important thing.

I mean, miracles do happen.

Everybody, so long.

Bye!

I love to cry

at weddings

Anybody's wedding

Anytime, anyplace

Anywhere

I love to cry at weddings

How I love to cry

at weddings

I walk into a chapel

and get happily hysterical

The ushers

and attendants

The family dependents

I see them

and I start to sniff

Have you an extra

handkerchief

And all through the service while

the bride and groom look nervous

Tears of joy are streamin'

down my face Down his face

I love

To cry at weddings

anybody's wedding

Anytime

Anytime

Anywhere

Anywhere

Anyplace

Anyplace

D- Didn't you see

the sign?

"Please do not throw any rice

in the halls or on the stairs. "

That's because one out of every 42

accidents occurs in a public building.

Oh. I'll be careful.

Look.

You like it?

Yeah, it's, uh...

It's, uh...

It caught my eye, you know.

You and your flowers and everything. Oh.

You don't like it?

No, I do, I do.

It's very flowery.

Boy, there sure are

a lot of questions here.

Okay, name:

Charity Hope Valentine.

Soon to become

Mrs. Oscar Lindquist.

Age...

Yeah, what the hell?

Heck.

Place of birth:

New York, New York.

New York.

Identifying marks?

What are they?

You know,

scars, birthmarks,

tattoos.

Oh. Tattoo.

I'm gonna have it taken off,

Oscar, you know.

Occupation:

Unemployed.

It hurts like crazy, they say,

but you can have 'em taken off.

Charity.

Yeah?

Okay, finished.

Your turn.

Boy, I'll tell ya, I didn't care too

much for the first half of my life,

but the second half

sure is gettin' good.

Charity, I can't

go through with it.

Did you hear what I said,

Charity? I can't marry you.

You're nervous,

aren't ya, Oscar?

It's perfectly natural

for the groom to be nervous...

I can't do it.

Is this a joke?

Is this a joke, Oscar?

'Cause if this is a joke,

it's a very rotten joke.

Oh, this isn't a joke. Nobody

would joke about a thing like this.

Is it a joke?

I know what it is!

It's this stupid dress!

Oh, me and

my rotten, crummy taste.

Why don't we get me another dress

and this time you pick it out?

It's not the dress.

It's not the dress.

It's the way I talk,

isn't it?

I know, sometimes

I say those dumb things.

But if I went to night school,

in no time at all...

Charity, it's not you.

It's me.

What are you trying to tell me?

I don't know how to explain it.

Well, try, Oscar.

Holy mackerel, please try.

Charity, I have this thing,

this mental block.

What? So? There's a lot

of that goin' around.

A stupid, childish, insane

fixation. I know it's wrong.

I know it's not what a person's done, i

- it's what's inside.

But I can't help it.

Did you hear that? I know it's

wrong, and I can't help it.

I got an idea.

Let's you and me go ahead and

get married, and then afterward...

we'll talk about

your fixation, okay?

You're better off without me,

Charity. I'm doing you a favor.

Oscar. Oscar!

Oscar! We could be

so happy together.

Growing flowers

in New Jersey.

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