Sweet Hearts Dance Page #5

on a theoretical level.

You want to get married?

Do you?

No.

No?

Why not?

I believe that life...

is an endless highway.

I mean, up until you die.

And what I am is a bus...

and I'm chugging down the highway...

and boys and men...

climb on me

and they get off...

and I keep going.

And?

And l...

I keep thinking someday

I'm going to have to let someone...

sit up front with me and...

Look through my window

and share my ride.

That make any sense?

This how you talk to your second

graders? I'm not in the second grade.

- Are you mad?

- No. I hope you have a bus wreck.

Thanks for asking.

Sh*t.

I used to like being married,

till it got screwed up.

About the second week.

Nah.

It took longer than that.

But before I screwed it up, man...

it was really something.

I felt like there was

two of me or something.

When I was happy, I was...

twice as happy.

And when I was sad,

I was only half as sad.

Does that sound stupid?

It doesn't matter.

Now I feel like I shrank

or something.

Well...

thanks for cheering me up, Wiley.

I can't believe it.

Oh, no!

Look who Sam brought.

Nice date there, Sam.

That's so nice. You brought your mom

along to read you bedtime stories.

- I got her her own room.

- You are such a good son.

All right, I want you kids

to watch it now.

- All right? You're in charge.

- All right. Don't worry.

Bye, baby.

We'll see you.

Oh, BJ, bundle up.

Here, sweetheart.

I'll miss you, darling.

Bye-bye.

Good-bye, sweetheart.

I'll see you, George.

Bye-bye.

- Be nice to each other.

- You guys be nice to each other too.

Have a good week.

There's only one bed.

What are we going to do?

We slept in the same bed for months

without bumping into each other.

I'm sure we'll be fine.

Or we can sleep in shifts.

Oh, my God,

it looks just like the brochure.

Except Sam wasn't in

the brochure. Hi, Sam.

Hi, Sandy.

- Hi, Claire. Hi, Dan.

- Hi, Sam.

- Hi, Jim.

- Hi, Jim. Hi, Olivia.

- Hi, Sam.

- Hi, Wiley.

- Hi, Jim. Hi, Olivia.

- Hi, Wiley.

- Hi, Claire. Hi, Dan.

- Hey, Wiley.

- Hi, Wiley.

- Hi, Wayne. Hi, Judy.

- Hi, Rearne.

- Hi, everybody.

Rearne!

Sam, how many beds

you got in your room?

One. Why?

Place costs a lot of money

to only get one bed, huh?

Are those girls naked?

Is that what I'm seeing here?

Yes, I believe so.

Well, for Christ's sake.

You don't see that in Vermont.

Bet you're glad

you didn't get married now, huh?

Look at the hooters on that...

That is the most incredible body

I've ever seen in my whole life.

Want to go sailing?

We don't know how to sail.

So?

So...

this is sailing.

All right, Sam!

We're sailing!

Can't you get it going any faster?

Yes, just pull this.

I'm there, Sam.

Whoa! Where's all that water

coming from?

Here we are! We're out here!

I'm riding this thing I let's go!

Get up there!

Let's go! Yes!

- How do you make it go back?

- I don't know.

Back, boat, back!

Heya, matey!

- Help!

- Help!

Help!

Land ho!

If we live through this,

I'm going to kill you.

I don't suppose you're in the mood

for a little motherly advice.

Very wise.

Then I won't tell you to go ahead

and call Adie and stop being ridiculous.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Thursday night,

it says "Horse Casino Night."

- That ought to be fun.

- Good. That's what we'll do.

Thursday night

is the Horses banquet.

Oh, right.

That is going to be lots of fun.

Did you get

your speech ready, Wiley?

- Where's Sam?

- I don't know, dear.

I suppose he's off somewhere

eating his heart out.

And Saturday night is

the moonlight cruise for lovers only.

- I guess that leaves us out.

- Yes, it sure as hell does.

It sure as hell does.

- Glad they have each other.

- 'Cause nobody else would want them?

No, it's the two puppy theory.

They can play together.

Wish my Roger had had a pal.

He might have lived longer.

And I might have thought

not quite so often about killing him.

Rearne, I know that you had

a wonderful marriage...

and they're probably going

to make you a saint someday...

but it's not making me feel

any better now.

I'm sorry.

You remember my husband, Sandra?

No, not really. I'm sorry.

I'm sure he was a nice guy.

You certainly don't remember him.

He was a very diff! Cult,

disagreeable man.

But I happened to love him...

which, as we both know, is not

worth much on the common market.

But I thought my marriage

was worth fighting for...

so I fought for it

to the bloody end.

Okay. Fine, Rearne.

I've got it. Thank you.

It's only life, dear.

Hi.

I want to sleep with you.

What?

- I want to sleep with you.

- Wait a minute. No.

I can't.

I'm sorry. I can't.

But you said

you had a crush on me.

Yes, I did,

in the ninth grade.

That was 22 years ago.

You don't find me

attractive anymore?

No, I find you attractive...

but you're my best friend's wife.

It's that kind of attractive.

Oh, God,

this is so depressing.

Come on.

Oh, Sam,

what am I going to do?

About what?

About my life,

about my marriage.

I'm not really a good person

to ask about marriage.

I'm so jealous of you.

Why?

Because I just don't have

any fun anymore...

and even when you guys are fighting,

you seem to be having a good time.

Yes, well,

it's a little different.

You know, we don't fight naked.

Sam, I can't seem to find Sandy.

Have you see...

I found her.

There she is.

Hi, Sandy.

Hi, Sam.

Excuse me.

Wiley, it's not

what it looks like.

What is it, then?

We didn't have sex or anything.

Then what's my wife

doing in your bed?

I wanted to have sex with him,

but he didn't want to.

Why not?

What's wrong with her?

Why do you want

to have sex with Sam?

Why would you want to have sex

with Darielle scuzz-face slut-bag!

God, l...

God!

I don't think who did what to whom

is really the issue here.

Oh, yeah?

Well, what is the goddamn issue?

I don't know.

We all love each other, right?

Well, I love you guys...

and your behavior

is just not acceptable.

Now, we are going to go to bed

and forget about this...

and we're all going to

feel better tomorrow.

Sandy, you sleep here

since you're already in bed.

Wiley, sleep in your room. There's still

plenty of furniture for you to beat up.

And I will be very happy

to sleep on my couch...

which is on the beach.

Phone call for Mr. Manners.

Here's the phone.

- Hello?

- Hi.

I tried calling you all night.

I spent the night with Kyle.

Who's that?

Wiley's kid?

Well, that's nice.

Thank you for asking me

to marry you.

Well, it's...

It was just my way

of telling you that...

that I like you.

I like you too.

Bye.

Yes. I love these pants.

So this guy

comes up there and says...

Wiley! Wiley! Wiley!

I tried to get Sam to do this...

but he wouldn't.

Here we are,

at the end of the trail.

Our manes are getting thin,

our tails are hanging low.

Some people say that Horses

is a stupid organization.

We've done

some pretty stupid things.

Just ask my wife.

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