Sweet Sixteen

1

- Right, who wants a shot?

- Me!

25p a go.

Pay Pinball.

Get in a line.

Get in the back, you.

Money.

Do you not want a shot?

Get in the queue.

Have you paid?

Sure you've paid?

Money.

Can you see anything?

Can you see anything?

See the big one?

That's Saturn.

- Can you see it yet?

- No, still stars.

- Still stars.

- There?

- Still stars.

- How about now?

Stars.

That big one, that's Saturn.

You can tell by its rings.

Next.

Who's paid?

Pinball, have they paid?

They only get five seconds

because they only paid half.

- What do you see?

- Stars.

I'm putting 25p

in your pocket.

Get out of here.

Move.

You know how long a day is up there?

10 hours, 14 minutes.

F*** all time up in Saturn

if you want to do anything.

- There's not much time, young man.

- Next.

You looking for any cheap fags?

What kind are they?

Make you look better

than you already do.

Hiya, ladies. Do you wanna buy

any cheap fags?

These will prevent heart disease.

Over 60, even help you

with a hard-on.

Thanks for doing business.

Cheap cigarettes?

Cheap fags?

Tom, those boys

are back in again.

Hey, you two. Come on.

That's two or three times this week.

You've been up here flogging stuff.

We're only trying to keep

your customer satisfied.

Out the door,

Simon and Garfunkel!

Don't get in a strop, you c*nt.

You want some?

Here's to you, Mrs. Robinson.

- How did you get on?

- F***ing buzzing.

- Magic.

- What you got?

- Empty bag.

- Do you want this load?

- Sh*t, it's the coppers.

- Bastards!

What do you want to do?

Do you want to stand about?

- Hold on a minute.

- Liam, where are you going?

- What are you doing?

- What's he doing?

All right, mate?

- Is it all right to come out?

- Brand new. Yeah. Come on.

- What the f***?

- You little bastard!

- Oh, f***ing brilliant!

- F***'s sake!

Don't you use

your f***ing mirrors?

How am I supposed to see

a bike parked there?

F***ing hell,

look at the state of it.

It's a f***ing gateway.

Where's my helmet?

There's the wee bastard there

with your helmet.

You bastards!

- He's coming. Go!

- Stop!

For f***'s sake.

Quick!

Give it up, boys.

Stop!

Oh Christ, look at the time.

Do you know what time it is?

We're late. That's what time it is,

you little prick.

What did I tell you?

You never listen.

Where were you?

Is that all you can say?

Your granddad's talking to you.

You know your ma's

gonna be worried sick, don't you?

She's gonna be sitting

in the waiting room,

wondering where the f*** we are.

Put that in your mouth.

- Top of your teeth.

- Tell him to f***ing do it.

Just do as you're f***ing told.

I've had enough of you today.

Stick up these in your gums.

Hurry up.

Press it and flatten it.

Okay, the other side.

Let's see it.

Look at me.

Smile.

Let's see you f***ing smile!

That's better. Like a friendly

little hamster the boy is.

When we get in there...

happy families, okay?

I'll go for coffee,

come back with the coffee.

Wee accident, coffee spills.

I jump up.

Granddad jumps back, right?

In all the confusion,

you kiss your ma, pass it over.

Have you got that?

Can you take your cap off?

Thanks. Just lift your arms up.

That's great.

Just grab your stuff.

- Come on, Liam. Hurry up.

- Table five, guys.

Hi, son. All right, Dad?

All right, darling, how's it going?

Good to see you, hen.

All right, angel face?

Did you think we were not coming?

It's good to see you.

We got a bit held up, didn't we?

He's in one of his moods.

What you sitting all the way

over there for? Come on over.

His face has been tripping all the way

here. Been like that all day.

How have you been getting on

at school?

School!

He's turned into

a right regular little scholar.

He hasn't seen the inside

of a school for nine months.

Who fancies a cup of coffee then?

- Yeah, I'd love one.

- Milk and one sugar?

We've missed her, son,

haven't we?

Are you all right, Mum?

What's wrong with you?

Come on, you can tell me.

No, I'm all right.

Somebody giving you

a hard time in here?

Are you clean?

You know I've been clean for years.

What are you saying that for?

What the f***

is this all about, then?

Stan set it up.

It's for the women in here.

It's not for me.

Stan set it up for the women,

and he's getting a fortune

off their boyfriends.

You're caught with this,

it's six months minimum.

You can't last

another six months in here.

Do they strip search you?

They pick out a couple of us

at random.

What if they pick you?

Just swallow it.

I've done it before.

This isn't going on anymore.

It's finished.

You already took the rap once

for that bastard.

He's gonna be pissed

when I don't do this.

Whatever he says,

don't get upset.

Liam, don't start, eh?

Oh, for f***'s sake!

Liam, give your ma a hug.

Sorry about the language,

I can't believe myself sometimes.

Like a bull in a china shop!

I can't believe I just did that.

Here, drink your coffee.

Rab, go and get us another cup.

I'll sit with my wee friend here.

So what do you think

of your boy here then?

Wanna give your ma a kiss?

- F***ing tell him.

- Give your mum a kiss.

What do you think, Gramps?

Do we have a laugh with him or what?

He's a laugh a minute.

A right wee comedian.

Don't need a telly when he's about.

Kiss your f***ing mother.

- See you later, Mum.

- Liam, please, don't.

Listen, by Christ...

see, if you don't kiss your mother goodbye,

you little c*nt,

I'm gonna boot your f***ing arse

all the way to f***ing Greenock.

Now kiss your f***ing mother,

you little c*nt!

Stan, calm down.

See you later, Mum.

Let him go.

Do you know how much

that's f***ing cost me?

- Give us the gear.

- You want it?

- Hand it over.

- F***ing get the gear.

You f***ing twat!

Don't hit him in the face.

His f***ing ma will see it.

You f***ing idiot!

That's f***ing enough, right?

You f***ing idiot!

Where's the f***ing gear?

Next time you will be walking

like f***ing Charlie Chaplin.

I'll break your legs,

you little c*nt.

It never went

as far as that.

It's over the fence there.

You bastard!

For f***'s sake!

A f***ing Laurel and Hardy f***ing family.

Get over the f***ing fence.

My f***ing balls are caught,

you c*nt!

F***ing feeble, you c*nts.

Just you wait!

- Hi, Liam.

- All right, Hazel, love?

- What's wrong?

- Nothing, hen.

You sure?

I've been keeping an eye out for you.

Are you all right?

Sure?

Take a bag. I phoned Chantelle,

she knows we are coming.

Hey. boys.

That's your lot. You get it,

get this f*** and don't come back

near this school again.

My f***ing caring grandfather, eh?

My own f***ing flesh and blood,

you f***ing old bastard.

I love your f***ing grandfather.

He's so funny.

Here, you old bastard.

How's your balls, you old c*nt?

Are they sore?

You'll give the place a bad name.

F*** off.

Did you dye

your hair as well, blondie?

Who was that?

- What was that all about?

- They started it.

Don't forget

I've gotta live here.

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