Swept Away

I did not fly all the way

from New York City...

...to wherever the f*** we are

to get on that.

How many vacations have you enjoyed?

You wanted to try something new.

Tell me, how new does that look?

It's got a f***ing chimney, Anthony.

It's a funnel. Honey, we're here now.

Let's just try and enjoy it.

I only agreed to this

if it had a fully-equipped gym.

They do.

That I was assured of.

- Welcome aboard, professor.

- I'm not actually a professor.

That's not what I hear.

Thank you very much.

- I'm your captain. Call me captain.

- You're a real captain, captain?

Madam?

I'm not interested in shaking

Blackbeard's hook.

Would you show my wife

to her quarters, please?

Of course, professor.

- What's with the finger snapping?

- Don't get all Italian on me, Peppe.

I don't like finger snapping.

The clients expect finger snapping

from the captain.

Giuseppe will show you to your room.

This is your cabin, sir. Madam.

- What you can't fit, keep in my room.

- We'll make do. Thanks.

That should be all.

My name is Giuseppe. Peppe for short.

I am the fisherman,

but if you need anything, I'm your man.

Ask him about the gym.

- Would you show my wife the gym, please?

- Certainly.

What was that

screaming about?

- What happened?

- She's crazy.

- What was that screaming?

- Wait here.

I thought she would like me

bringing the gym to her.

I wasn't very happy. What kind of

a gym could you possibly carry?

- Then what?

- I showed her the gym.

- He showed me the gym.

- And?

And?

- Your gym. She started screaming.

- I was understanding.

Anthony!

So then...

...that little hairy black one

pulled out a rope...

...and told me I could jump over it.

- For jumping.

Jump, jump.

She said she was going

to hang you with it, captain.

Me?

This is a good idea.

A trip from Italy to Greece.

It's Greece to Italy, babe.

Have you seen the deserted islands

we can visit?

You cannot do that in the Caribbean.

What would you do on

a deserted island, Debi?

I'll think of something.

What?

What "what"?

What is it that

you're going to think of?

You lost me.

And here he is.

- Nice outfit, pal. Very native.

- Thanks.

- What have you come as? Popeye?

- There's no need for that, darling.

- I like this outfit. Very Errol Flynn.

- Very Errol Flynn.

Who's Errol Flynn?

I thought we agreed

to get dressed up for dinner.

You put us on a boat built for pirates,

can we not dress like one?

I changed my mind. I wanted

to be a little more comfortable.

Where does that leave me?

And our guests?

Where would we all be if we just did

things because we felt like it?

On vacation?

She's a piece of work, that woman.

- Why speak Greek? I look Greek?

- You look like an idiot.

- Tony's not had much holidays.

- Look after that f***ing woman.

Watch your mouth.

Remember what you're getting paid.

It was you that asked me to help you.

I can live without money.

I was happy as I was.

Happy? Happy is nice.

But how much does happy pay?

Now you're talking.

It's not going to rain, madam.

Is that a joke?

- Come on in. It's clean as a whistle.

- Depends on who's been blowing it.

Don't bother coming in.

It's really wet. Where's Debi?

- Maybe she drowned.

- Did anyone ask if she could swim?

Salty!

Put a mask on and swim with the fishes.

You'll enjoy it.

Why?

Because it's nice.

When you have some time off,

I suggest you swim with the fishes.

Fish is the plural for fish.

Do something about Marina and Amber.

They're ripping Debi to shreds.

What can I do? You know what they're like.

Besides, she's not the sharpest...

...quickest...

- She's stupid, isn't she, Todd?

- Well, she's...

- She's unaware of what they're doing.

- Be nice, Tony. She's only 14.

Don't give me that white liberal sh*t.

It's the nature of capitalism.

It's more successful than communism.

You don't see people emigrating to Cuba.

- There are problems raised by capitalism.

- What problems?

Your old man's the boss

of a pharmaceutical company.

He's got to make a profit

to keep the shareholders happy.

- That's not in the public's best interest.

- Then they don't have to buy.

Imagine there's a drug that can cure

a certain kind of blindness.

Even though it costs

nothing to make it...

...they still put a high price on it.

Capitalism.

So if you can't afford the drug,

you'll stay blind.

Without the drug companies,

they'd stay blind.

What's to stop them getting a job

and buying the drug?

- They're blind.

- So what?

- Limits their employment opportunities.

- They can bake cakes.

You don't need eyes to bake cakes.

- But it does raise an ethical question.

- The laws of capitalism are:

The proprietor of goods can set

any price he sees fit...

...and shall not be at the mercy

of any moral or ethical issues.

Whose quote is that?

Mine.

I can't see you baking

too many cakes.

She's without a heartbeat.

She's a lizard.

Stop moaning.

You're not married to her.

A lizard. One that should be

made into a bag, belt and boots!

Guido!

Peppe?

- Yes, sir?

- Sir is madam. Water and towel.

- Yes, madam.

- And Pee Pee, I want it cold.

Understand? Not cool.

Cold.

As cold as the

blood in your veins.

- I'm bored.

- I know it. What are we gonna do?

Just have a martini, pop a pill

and f*** my husband.

Everyone else does.

Have you no dignity?

What's that?

- What?

- That.

- It's a jug.

- It's a coffeepot, actually.

What's in the coffeepot, Pee Pee?

- Coffee, madam.

- Reheated coffee?

- Yes.

- What am I supposed to do with that?

Drink it?

- It's not his fault.

- Whose fault is it then, Todd?

Who's paying whom

to do what around here?

- Say something, Anthony.

- Would you accommodate my wife, please?

Accommodate? Does this mean

live in my cabin, sir?

- Is this what you mean?

- I think that was a joke.

- He's being rude, Anthony.

- Let me deal with this.

Would you please make my wife

a fresh pot of coffee, Mr. Esposito?

Certainly, professor.

I'm going to kill that f***ing b*tch

with a kitchen knife!

You surprise me. You told me that a real

man's duty is to preserve his dignity.

That's why I'm going to kill

the f***ing b*tch with a kitchen knife!

If she's so much of a problem,

stay away from her.

Easy for you to say!

She's not hunting you down.

Everywhere I turn, there she is!

I feel like...

...a lame gazelle stalked by

the eyes of an angry leopard!

Very theatrical.

Now, clean the boiler.

The advantages of chemicals

are all around us.

- Do we have to listen to that again?

- 4000.

We were playing for $20, and now...

...it's 4000?

- You don't think I'm good for it?

- Can't you control your wife?

- Can't you control yours?

- It's changed the atmosphere.

- You're Mr. Moneybags.

I am on vacation.

Stop being such a p*ssy, Michael.

If you haven't got money,

I'll take jewellery and shoes.

I fold. I have no interest in playing

"get f***ed quick" with Imelda Marcos here.

Guido!

When you've put that reptile down,

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