Swinging Safari Page #2

Love you, Dad!

What now?

What's wrong?

Oh, go see what she's done now.

What's the down low?

Give us a look. Come on.

Quit your whining! Cut it!

I said cut it!

If you don't quit your whining,

you're gonna cop a hiding!

Rick? Deal with it!

- You understand?

- Rick!

Come here!

Bloody embarrassing!

Come on, get in the car!

Bag of chips and a pink lemonade.

And have a good think about

the starving Africans!

The best days of our lives.

Am I rewriting history? Probably.

'Cause God knows our parents did.

Attention, all Death Cheaters.

Camera's up. Let's grab the gear.

Boys! Zinc on noses! Skin cancer!

Oh! Don't be ridiculous!

Blister!

Arggh!

F***in' bluebottles!

And they really f***ing hurt!

- Suck eggs!

- Mum is gonna piss on you!

Hey! Do you want the Chiko

Rolls and Sunny Boys or not?

Death Cheaters, attack!

I've only got 11 seconds of

film left. Stop mucking around!

I always wanted to be a filmmaker.

My problem was a plot.

Australia and I were hopelessly

bobbing around the Pacific

looking for a direction.

Whale! Whale!

Whale!

I AM wailing!

And thanks to a full moon

and the king tide that followed,

I finally found one.

Ow, ow, ow!

Go get the camera!

Come here! Look at the whale!

Look at this!

Come check it out!

The great blue whale.

This is bigger than Ben-Hur.

Go! Come on! Let's go, go, go! Go!

Ow, ow, ow, ow! Ow!

Dad, grab the zoom. This is humungous.

Wh...?

Residents of this sleepy seaside suburb

awoke to a new, blue tourist attraction.

Wallaroo locals are flocking

to see the dead whale,

much to the delight of

schoolkids, seniors

and salivating seagulls.

It's a whale!

And it's f***ing on the beach!

Not f***ing on the

beach, on the f***ing beach.

And stop f***in' swearing!

You're not bringing a whale

home. I'll tell you right now.

This mullet has ruined

a perfectly good day!

Ruined? Nah.

I reckon he's gonna put

Wallaroo on the map.

He's a real live dead whale.

Him? I didn't see a penis.

- I think he's a ripper!

- I think he's revolting!

And I think I'd better get a photo.

OK, everybody, looking at the sun.

Come on, come on!

Big smiles. That's it.

Everyone ready? One, two, three, and...

Hang on a minute.

Come on, mate!

Looking up at the sun!

One, two, three, and...

Hang on a minute.

- Come on, Dad!

- Here we go.

One... two... three...

Brilliant.

Ooh, clean bowled him!

Brilliant. Bowled by Lillee.

Would you like an ice-cream,

little girl?

I'm not allowed to talk to strangers.

Have a look at the whale!

Thank Christ we got a park, darl.

Melly, come see. This is ginormous.

I told you to stay in the car

or you'd cop a hiding, young lady!

Oh, don't be a bully, darling.

And on behalf of the Wallaroo Council,

I'd like to welcome our strange visitor

and congratulate him

on his fine choice

of holiday destination.

You got loose change in your Speedos?

Why not invest in a Funk and Wagnalls...

She's crying.

Yeah, well, of course, she's

crying, you idiot. She's dead!

- Hey, cork it, Liam!

- Oh, yeah?

What are you gonna do?

Are you gonna film me to death?

You lightweight hammerhead!

Looks like you might have

found yourself a plot, tiger.

It's got a beginning, a middle

and an end.

Oh!

Bloody hell.

Oh, I think I'm gonna hurl!

This is revolting!

Maybe we should take

a raincheck on tonight.

What? No.

We've been planning this

evening for months.

I'm not giving it up for... Flipper.

- No.

- No.

Righto! Dinner - Chateau Jones.

Got a little surprise for you boys!

Oh, Christ, we'd better beat

the traffic! Come on! Let's go!

- Quit your bloody whingeing!

- Ow, ow!

- I'm not going tonight.

- It's just a dinner party!

Get us to the bank!

We're gonna starve like Africans.

Righto, righto. Enough.

That's where you're going. In the back.

- It's hot in there!

- Ow, ow! Ow, ow!

Dad, your ciggie hit me in the b*obs!

Get out, smelly. Couldn't get

a f*** in a Frankfurt factory.

Balaenoptera musculus -

the great blue whale.

It's the largest animal

ever known to have existed.

Melissa! We have guests coming!

If you think you can embarrass

me more than twice in a row,

you've got another thing coming!

Mum, what's with the Sportsgirl white?

It's not a special occasion.

Oh, mind your own business!

Bob? Do I look alright?

Yeah, you look fine.

Party time!

Oh, Keith, be a doll

and carry that up, will you?

- Oh. Look at that.

- Thank you.

Pineapple explosion!

Well, the boys bring a bottle,

the ladies bring a plate!

Oh, they do, they do.

- Hello!

- Oh, what you got there, love?

Look at that!

Nice to see you without

that dingbat camera in front

of your face, Jeffrey.

- G'day, Rick.

- Thank you. Hey, mate.

No cameras tonight.

That means you too, Bob.

I don't know what

you ladies are cooking up,

but the suspense is killing me.

What time is it there, Rick?

One o'clock, Bob.

Care to partake, Mrs Marsh?

Does liquid get into this chalk?

You know you're soaking in it!

Alright. Feed the kids.

Time to crank up some tunes.

What have we got over here?

Oh! Straight off the boat!

Swingin' Safari!

Put it on! Crank it!

Melissa!

You're missing out... again.

- Like a moon landing.

- Yeah.

- Happy belated, Keith.

- Oh, what the hell's that?

This is a native dart gun, all

the way from Papua New Guinea.

- Right.

- Exotic Papua New Guinea.

Wow.

- Hey, Sandy...

- Oh!

- Oi! Keith!

- Only joking! Only joking.

I tell you, one day,

that dogs gonna explode!

Top shot'.!

There'll be more than

balloons popping tonight,

Keith Hall.

New moves! Come on! Let's dance!

You kids keep it down in there, alright?

You take a big chunk,

a chunk of blubber.

Don't.

I told you to keep it down,

or I'd knock your blocks off!

Boofheads!

Cripes almighty!

Go talk to your daughter!

She's doing my head in.

What's going on with that umbrella?

Darling, can you eat

one of these in front of me

so I know you're not gonna

starve to death?

I'm not hungry.

I SO don't have time for this.

Alright.

Nobody leaves this table

till Melissa eats two rissoles.

And you eat them, darling,

or I'll shove 'em down your throat.

Just friggin' eat it! Come on!

Eat the rissoles!

- Hurry up!

- Eat, eat, eat!

- Just eat it.

- Eat it!

Eat 'em, you 'tard,

so we can all get out of here!

And then he says, "Now

we can all get some sleep!"

Ooh, Jesus!

Here we go with the umbrella business.

Rick, I've told you a thousand times,

these things are bloody lethal, mate!

Yes, Bob. We've heard it all before.

Umbrellas should be screwed down!

You'll thank me for this one day!

Nervous?

Short-changed.

Whatever happened to pink ponies

and Leif Garrett posters?

Honestly, sometimes I wish

we'd just stopped at the boys.

- Ooh. Oh...

- Anyway...

Check out Liam -

sh*t-scared of a dolphin!

Yeah, rack off, Andrew!

What about the bird sanctuary?

Aggro! Pissing his pants!

Yeah? Wanna keep those teeth, homo?

I was scared.

Keira still cries herself to sleep.

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