Swinging Safari Page #3

Who feeds kids

to sugar-crazed lorikeets?

One day we should sue

our parents for child abuse.

Psst.

What's the matter?

The whale.

Jeff, Jeff, we've got a stunt to shoot!

Melly, darling,

did you eat your din-dins?

Oh, good girl. Right, then.

Everybody off the leash.

Rumpus room now. Come on.

No more shenanigans!

You hear me, you rug rats?

OK, OK. Death Cheaters, saddle up.

Tonight we're gonna pull off

our biggest stunt ever.

Death from above!

Give me a turn!

- A - Ay turn! Y turn! My turn!

Then what? You dip it in?

Righto! I knew a girl like that once.

It's pretty fancy.

Well, on that note,

should I spin the lazy Susan?

- Why's she lazy anyway?

- Oh, it's Chinese.

What do you mean, it's Chinese?

It would have been lazy Sichuan.

- Dip it in, and that's...

- Cheese?

Full of holes. Just like my wife.

My grandmother swore by Coon cheese.

She lived to 72. Said it was

her fountain of youth.

We're just... going for a walk.

And don't you dare tell Mum.

Us too. Got a stunt to shoot.

Coming?

Everyone's annoying me

and it's not fair!

Alright, now, Liz... Liz! Liz!

Give us the signal

if they come looking, OK?

Not listening! Not listening!

I want to go home!

Can I come?

No, um... you get to watch a movie.

Deep Throat. It's about a dentist.

Look! Look, look, look!

I actually need Melly

for this one. Melly?

A girl? Sh*t a brick!

UP yours, Jeff! No way!

Hey, I'm the director, OK?

You wanna be in this movie or what?

Melly, welcome to the Death Cheaters.

OK, Death Cheaters, hose him down.

Soak him good,

because it'll protect him.

Scotty, water!

OK, boss. Water's coming on.

Ohh!

So, you're a normal bloke

tossing the chops,

then it all goes pear-shaped

when the barbecue explodes.

Damian, fuel!

Milady.

- What's that?

- Wardrobe.

Mum's old wedding dress.

She never wears it. Head protection!

One of Aunty Jo's. 100% fireproof.

What am I, a poofter?

Yeah, thanks for that, Gerome.

We've only got a half hour

tops. Everybody in position.

Andrew, ignition.

I yell "turps", OK,

you throw the grenade.

Scotty, he yells "water",

we're shutting down -

Hunter runs the hose,

Melly puts him out.

Travis, you are on lookout. Got it?

Ready when you are, CB!

Jeff, please. I want to go back

and watch Mr. Squiggle.

No, no, no, no, no.

But you're a Death Cheater now.

And it's perfectly safe. You're

not gonna get burnt, Gerome is.

- Can you put a Flake in there?

- Yeah.

Well, tonight is about new rules!

Anybody who drops their bread

in the fondue

has to kiss the person next to them.

Yeah.

Why not?

What's that?

Here, try it. It's the stuff

Mum puts in her cola.

No! We gotta roll!

Bring on the safety water!

- More safety water!

- It's cold! Arggh!

Oh!

No, no. I got it, I got it,

I got it! I got it. No, no.

You can't pick it up.

You can't cheat, mate.

Everybody in position.

Camera rolling.

Here we go again!

Whoops!

Death Cheaters On Fire! And action!

Oh, my God! The chops!

Arggh!

- Anything you want, mate.

- Oops! Dropped mine.

Pucker up, Keith.

Whew! Crikey!

Catch.

Whoo-hoo! Yeah!

Ohhh!

Jeff, there's no water!

Oh, bugger it!

Whoa!

Travis, you're stepping on the hose!

Whoo-hoo!

You're in trouble now, mate!

Pool! Pool! Jump in the pool!

Here's to Bob's umbrella phobia. Cheers.

Yes! Yes!

- Yes! Great!

- And cut!

That was f***ing untold!

Are you trying to kill me?!

I'm not doing this anymore!

I quit! Give me the vodka!

This pool stinks of petrol!

- I'm on it, alright?

- Bags first!

Arggh!

D*ckhead!

Alright. Number 96 is about to

start. Everybody off to bed.

- Go on. Get going.

- Sleep tight, boys.

Jesus, Gerome, what are you playing at?

- Batman.

- What?

Alright. Come on. Achtung. Get moving.

Uncle Rick, can I, um,

stay here with Melly?

Don't see a problem with that, stud.

Go on.

Night-night! Sleep tight!

Don't let the bedbugs bite!

Thank God.

You wanna turn the telly over?

Like... upside down?

Ohh, Rick, go for it, mate!

It's all getting a bit...

moist under the collar.

Last chance to turn back.

No.

No.

Where's that fondue?

You alive?

No.

I'm really sorry.

It's gonna be an awesome

sequence in the film.

What's the film about?

Haven't figured that bit out yet.

Is the whale gonna be in it?

I guess so.

The TV said that she did it on purpose.

That she swam up the beach deliberately.

Why would she have done that?

Do you think she got lost?

I don't know.

Will you sleep with me?

I'm scared.

Of what?

Everything.

Like Nanna does.

Put your arm around me.

Whoo-hoo!

Andrew, you dimwit! Go home!

Yes!

Yeah, she... she thought

it was the other one!

The next game is called Swinging Safari.

Oh, yeah?

This is a vase.

Gentlemen, you all have keys.

Ooh!

Oh, no way!

- You're joking.

- Yes.

You've heard about it,

you've read about it,

and tonight, you're going to live it.

Because the world is spinning

like a rotisserie chook.

Who wants to get left behind?

Stuff it. I'm in.

I'm in.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Now.

Gale, darling,

would you like to go first?

My hand's stuck.

- My hand's stuck.

- Oh, no!

Come here, come here.

No, no, no. It's stuck.

It's stuck. It's stuck.

- It's stuck!

- Push it back in.

I'll just... l'll just...

I'll get the KY jelly.

- Gale, darling...

- It's alright. I'm fine.

- Pull it harder, mate!

- I'm pulling!

She's gotta let go of the keys!

- Don't lose the mood!

- Ouch!

What's that?

Ooh!

This is wrong.

All of it!

Look at us!

We should all be ashamed of ourselves.

- Oh, God!

- Come on, Sandy.

Oh, Keith...

- Give us a jiffy.

- Keith, stop it.

Two ticks. Nearly there.

I'll give you more than two ticks

if you don't stop plonking my wife!

Stop it. Stop it.

Get off her, or you'll be

dead sorry in the morning!

Come on, get in the car!

Why can't we catch the bus

like everybody else?

Because you're not like everybody else!

- Shut it!

- Oh, now we're trapped.

Why are you being such a dick, Dad?

- Just shut up!

- Yeah? You gonna make me?

Oop!

Ooh!

Oi! Hey!

- You alright, mate?

- Yep. Yeah, I'm good.

- Oh, Dad ran over Jeff.

- Bloody idiot.

Jeez. What's up their bums?

You're not going

to state schools anymore.

I'm not going to a poofter school!

You're going to the King's School...

Can you believe that?

Oh! Crying out loud!

Save the whales!

- Oh, a bit late now, isn't it?

- Go suck plankton, you lezzo!

- Hey! ' OW!

Watch it, you little bastards!

Get out of here!

Smells like Bec Marsh.

Oh, as much as we love

our wayward friend here,

I think it's about time

he found his flippers

and made his way back to the sea...

..where he belongs.

I understand there's

a big tide coming in.

What's happening?

Rigor mortis.

No, to our parents.

Why were they doing that to each other?

I don't know.

But you can't tell anybody.

Make me a promise. Nobody ever knows.

We just go to school like normal.

Nothing ever happened.

It's just business as usual.

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