Swinging Safari Page #4

Me, me, me!

But, Mrs. Wilson,

we can't even afford shoes!

Mum makes a walk to the beach

in tissue boxes!

Alright, then. A Lamington...

...and a Mint Pattie,

in case you have to walk to

Africa to help the poor people.

Thanks, Mrs Wilson...

- ...sucker!

- Hey! I heard that!

We should all be honoured

by the arrival of the great blue whale,

nature's largest living creation,

right here on Nobby's Beach.

Why?

Why would she kill herself?

That's a good question, Melissa.

Whales have been beaching

themselves for centuries.

Has anybody got a clue as to why?

The Lebanese?

The truth is, nobody knows.

Oil tankers. Pollution.

Maybe she got lost.

Or maybe... she'd just had enough.

- I'm gonna play the murderer.

- Then I want to be the victim.

- You already are.

- OK, no.

Casting doesn't start till

I speak to Mr. Logan, alright?

No. Come on. You said...

Oh, sh*t!

That looks nice.

Here. Have some of mine.

Got leftover fondue. Yummy.

No, thanks. I...

...don't want to eat anymore.

I don't see the point.

- Can I have that?

- But it's got sand on it.

They're called 'sand-wishes'.

Mr Logan!

Hello, hello, hello!

Wait here. I'll be right back.

Has everyone done their homework?

- Yes!

- Mr Logan. Mr Logan.

I'm starting a new film

and I really need you

to be the main character.

What fresh hell on yonder window breaks?

Not good enough, Mr Hall!

I'm giving you a C!

That's OK, Mr Logan.

'Cause I'm giving you a D - D for dead!

Yes!

Stop hurting her!

Stop! Stop! Stop it!

- Hey. Gerome!

- What?

I was thinking - we cut out the

shark and we work the whale in.

You know, make a new plot.

What do you think?

Jeff. . mack off.

G'day, Peter Frampton.

Hey.

My best friend has just

dumped me for my sister.

This is all going... tits up!

I was almost Miss Wallaroo!

My memory is

you were almost expelled

from June Dally-Watkins.

This is all your fault.

Everything was going fine.

Until you ruined it!

I ruined it? You know what

ruined it? Middle-aged tits!

I've seen better crepes

at Pancakes on the Rocks!

Hey! Get!

Encyclopedias are chock-a-block

full of things you'll discover.

I mean, there's no end to it.

If you look up A, you'll find out

all sorts of fascinating facts

about alcoholics...

And tell the kids

to look up T for 'tragic'

or... D for 'dildo'.

I mean, who knows,

one day you might find yourself

waking up next to a tragic

dildo-loving alcoholic,

and THEN where will you be, huh?

Probably sleeping downstairs

in the garage!

You fat cow!

Oh, you're just jealous!

- Of Keith Hall? Ha!

- Take a Valium.

Now I'll get a discount F*** and Wigwam!

Ha! Don't make me la-a-a-a-a-a-a-augh!

Melly, go play in the traffic.

You know, I don't blame Bob.

I feel sorry for him.

He probably thought he was at the morgue

looking at you lying there

like a stunned mullet.

My nickname at school? 'Tripod'!

- Yes! I'm a wanker!

- Oh!

I've got the dirty magazines

to prove it!

You loved it!

Love is overrated.

I had to pry him off you

with a Tyre iron!

- Oh, Richard!

- What are youse two on about?

- Shut up!

- Quit your whining, will you?

Shut up in the back, or you'll

get a knuckle sandwich!

Ooh, he's gonna give us

a knuckle sandwich!

I'll slap you kids!

- Dad, look out! Ow!

- Dad, you hit Melissa!

Rack off!

..getting over Pretty Lady.

Pretty Lady falling behind.

Yes, Pretty Lady is falling behind...

Hurry, before that

mongrel Labrador steals it!

Jo Jones is so washed up,

the tide wouldn't take her out!

I'm gonna mow the lawn. Jeffrey!

You spend more time mowing that lawn

than you've ever spent mowing mine!

Do not let that animal in this room!

And take off your shoes! Christ!

I've got a splitting headache!

Mum, that wasn't your aspirin.

Those were your pearl earrings.

- Oh, Mum!

- Jeff! Jeff!

- D-Dad...

- What?

She swallowed her pearl earrings!

She swallowed her earrings?!

Bee? Rebecca!

Your mother just swallowed herpeafl...

Dad!

Oh, g'day, Mr Marsh.

How are they hanging?

What do you want us to do?

Get off the... the carpet!

Um... shouldn't we take her

to the hospital?

Take her to the bathroom

and get her a box of laxatives!

And, Rooster, you get the hell

out of my house!

It's alright, Mrs M.

I mean, you can poo 'em out.

Laxative...

Do you sometimes wonder

if Jesus has passed you by?

Here.

I brought you something.

It's a space food stick.

You know, made by NASA

for the astronauts.

Please?

Just one bite? For me?

Keira! Ugh!

What now?!

I promise they're not bluebottle stings!

Right, toilets!

- No! No!

- Urine counteracts!

She's gonna get pissed on again.

Please don't pee on me!

Bugger off! Filthy lezzers!

Toilets!

We're like the Robinson family.

We're lost in space.

Our flubbery friend seems

to have taken quite a liking

to our beautiful beach.

Give him points.

He's not going out without a fight.

- I'm gonna go inside with her.

- Yeah, I thought so.

Stop fighting! Everybody gets a go!

We're going to my room. Don't

you dare tell the grown-ups!

What bloody grown-ups?!

They're aren't any!

Now we can kill each other!

- Slut!

- Takes one to know one!

- Gerome.

- What?

Four thunders, seven ball-shooters,

four Roman candles, sulfur

and five cups of pool chlorine.

Chuck them in the fire all at once.

Jeff. Please.

Someone's gonna get burnt.

- Well... we'd better not.

- Wuss!

I see fireworks. I see fireworks!

Scissors, paper, rock.

Next.

Don't! You're supposed to be

letting them off one at a time!

Batter up!

- Bombs away!

- You're scaring the kids!

Don't!

Stop! Please stop!

Arggh!

Before we say goodbye to Sandy,

let's talk about pets.

So, how's your practicing been going?

Kaye Hall believed pets opened

the door to responsibility -

something kids could watch grow...

...and eventually say farewell to.

For Kaye, burying a beloved pet

was a way

to prepare a young mind for

life's inevitable tragedies.

The problem was Doody wouldn't die.

Doody, din-din.

20 years old and still going strong.

Kaye's kids had not experienced

the death of a pet,

no matter how hard she tried.

You had to hand it to

Rick Jones for one-upmanship.

Nobody could top the turtle.

All the way from the Galpagos.

Exotic Galpagos.

- I'm gonna name him HELP!

- I'm gonna name him FIRE!

I'm gonna call you Tommy.

Tommy just wanted to go home,

and nothing was gonna stop him.

Quick, Tommy. Run home.

Swim back to Galpagos

as fast as you can.

- Fat chance.

- Not going anywhere, loser.

Please don't hurt him.

Stop! Stop! Please stop! Please!

If it makes you feel any better,

the boys became dentists.

Cal is still in jail

and Liam is now called Lenore.

Suffer, little turtle!

Turtles can live to 100...

...and poor Tommy was only

eight years old.

The Hall twins didn't go out

and buy pets like the rest of us.

Pets magically found them.

- Meet Trouser Snake!

- Has that boy got a big snake?

- Ask me when he's 17.

- Shut up!

- Oh! Can I have one of those?

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