Swinging Safari Page #5

- But you don't drink, love.

It's about time I started!

Those boys!

They just don't have a stop button!

Those boys are gonna be the death of me.

And here's the problem.

Like Keith said, his boys

didn't have a stop button.

If it crawled, slithered,

spat, bit or strangled,

it ended up in

the Hall backyard of death.

Which brings us back to Sandy.

Please, please let it be a pony!

They say labs are

the perfect dogs for kids...

It's a Kleenex Labrador puppy.

Oh!

Great. New carpet!

Now we'll have to get plastic.

Aw! So gentle!

Oh, baby Sandy was gentle, alright.

Gently eating her way through

every barbecue in Australia.

Bloody umbrellas! Sandy!

Ooh! Get off! Off!

Get off the table! Disgusting!

The problem was Sandy had

no stop button either,

and whenever she was left

alone, she'd help herself

to all the other pet food

up for grabs in Wyong Place.

Keith Hall put it perfectly -

one day, that dog was gonna explode.

~ ~

I, um...

...l want to thank Sandy...

...for bringing us together and...

...putting all our differences

behind us.

We're really sorry, Uncle Bob.

Yeah.

But sadly,

this is where we say goodbye

to our loyal friend.

Come on, old girl.

- Rick?

- Look out!

Oh, God, jeez! Thanks, Rick.

Thanks, Keith.

UP! Come on!

And go, go, go, go, 90,90,go, go, go.

Mum. Your earrings smell like sh*t.

Oh, sausages in the grave.

- Good name for an album, huh?

- Shut up, Keith!

Should have been you.

Your mother and I have had a talk.

We're selling your grandma's

jewelry and her teeth.

You're all going to

Catholic boarding schools.

This is bullcrap!

No. No. I don't want to hear it.

The priests will have

their way with you!

Pick those toys up.

No! No!

Fine.

Please, Mummy!

Please don't.

No. Please not Humphrey!

No!

This is it. I think she's

finally on her way home.

And one!

Two!

Three!

Jesus bloody Christ! The beach is empty.

The streets. Colonel Sanders

couldn't get arrested.

If we don't get rid of

blubber-guts here, mate,

I can tell you,

we're all in the deep-fry!

She's stuck here. Like us.

- We have to get out of here.

- How?

Would you like a ride, little girl?

Strangers.

They may smile...

Ooh!

...they may look ordinary,

but you cannot trust them.

I'm not going. I don't trust them.

You and your Shitty Safari.

Can't you see what's happening here?

Your daughter was up there

with that boy, giving him a...

Blow job, Bob!

Like the ones I used to

give you last century.

Alright, enough. I've had it up to here.

Just say something

for once in your life.

I'm not going.

Will you get that bloody

formaldehyde-soaked arse out of bed?

You're bloody well going,

and bloody well gonna have

a good time if it kills me!

And the god of thunder,

he says, "I'm Thor!"

And she says, "YOU'RE thore?!

"L'm tho thore, I can hardly pith!"

What have you got here, Rick?

You've got some Roy Orbison.

You've got some Frank Sinatra.

We've got loads of good stuff, mate.

We've got Donna Summer, Telly Savalas,

Swingin' Safari...

It's called the Betamax.

The home video revolution.

You can record TV.

- Wow.

- Wow.

I'm going over to Rooster's.

But don't you dare tell Mum.

Liam, I'm going first!

I don't wanna be sloppy seconds!

You always go first!

Hey, Gerome. For old times' sake?

Mate, come on.

One last stunt? Just you and me?

Congrats, team. You've all been

made honorary Death Cheaters.

Yes! Shazam!

So, I went ballistic and said,

"Mr. Wong, Mr. Wong..."

"I forgot all my traveler's cheques!"

Yeah, we've seen the ad, Keith.

Yeah, I'm just saying, it's a good one.

Pass the Coon, please.

Ah, here's one.

Germaine Greer walks into a bar

and the barman says...

I'm gonna what?!

Breathe underwater, like Aquaboy.

Liz, get the funnel-webs

out of the pool.

I've rewired the vacuum cleaner

so that it blows in reverse.

See?

We drop the rocks into the pool.

It drags Andrew to the bottom.

As long as he keeps the hose

in his mouth, he can breathe.

- Then what?

- Well, we film it.

- This is bullcrap!

- I'm not doing it!

Untie me! Untie me, alright?!

But this is a Death Cheater first.

Not without Gerome, it isn't!

- This sucks!

- It mega sucks!

I'm too old for this sh*t.

When did Jeff Marsh wake up

such a loser?

Did my homework and made a choice, mate.

That other system, that VHS nonsense -

never gonna take off.

Flush.

- What was that?

- Flush.

Oh. Menopause so soon?

Excuse me?

I'm just talking about my niece.

Minnie Pause.

Looks like she might be coming to stay

a little earlier than expected.

I said "flush".

I could have said "floozy",

but I didn't.

Are you calling my wife a floozy?

I'm not calling her anything.

I'm just... stating a fact.

You are a...

...a strumpet!

You do not call my wife a strumpet!

Sorry, I was gonna say "crumpet",

but it came out "strumpet".

Big words, p*ssy-balls.

Says the town bike.

At least I don't need pills

to get mine up.

- Now, what are we playing?

- Poker.

Everybody else has.

HOW dare you?!

- You bloody zip it, Rick!

- You bloody zip it, mate!

- Cock!

- Bush pig!

- Shut up, hussy!

- Alcoholic!

- Bottle blonde!

- Cock tease!

- Drug addict!

- Needle dick!

- Skank!

- Trog!

Slut!

Hardly even touched the sides.

Well, that's not surprising, is it?

You'd root a bloody barber's

chair if it had enough hair!

How dare you?!

- Kids, out!

- We can trump that. We're out!

Suck on this!

~ Oh! ~ Oh!

Yep. Couldn't agree more.

Oh. Sh*t.

Oh, g'day, Mrs Marsh.

I see you got your pearl earrings back.

Rebecca!

Oh!

Get out of here, you filthy mongrels!

Hey, Rooster! I bloody warned you!

Dog! I know where your f...

Your father's getting

a phone call right now!

He'll hear about this!

Gerome! I saw you too, mate!

What the hell do you think

you're doing?!

Crying out loud!

Jeff?

Jeff?

240 volts by the bleedin' pool!

Well, may we say "God save the Queen"...

...because nothing will save

the Governor-General!

- Keep those legs together!

- Your husband likes curves!

Needle dick for years, Gale. And, you...

You couldn't fit any more balls

in your pants either!

Keira, what's that on your chest?

They're not bluebottle stings!

Really, they're not!

Oh, yes, they are!

No, no!

Stop her!

- Come to Aunty Gale.

- No! Get off me!

Don't you dare!

But, Kaye!

Urine counteracts.

Be silent. Be quiet.

Be silent! BE SILENT! BE SILENT!

She pissed on my daughter!

Oh, you piss on her twice a weekend!

Bullshit. Bullshit!

Mr. Hall, do you want

to press any charges?

No.

But who do I have to f*** around here

to get a bloody restraining order?!

I've got homework to do.

I can give you a hand with

your homework if you like.

Hey, hey, hey! Enough!

We're moving to Adelaide!

Huh! Don't be preposterous!

- Have you got a better idea?

- Yes, I do.

Kahlua and milk.

Avon calling.

- A' Bob! 'Qgh! QW!

Oh, Jesus!

I'm calling Rick.

Oh, no, you're not.

Watch me.

Give me the phone. Give me the phone.

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