Swiss Army Man

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What?

Hey.

Hey. Hey!

Hey, you okay?

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Please.

Please don't be dead. You okay?

Hello. Hey. Hey.

Hey, you okay?

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Please don't be dead. Come on.

Oh. Uh...

And two. Breathe.

Holy sh*t.

Heh. That was funny.

Heh. That was really funny.

You know, I...

I had always hoped

that right before I die...

...my life would flash before my eyes

and I would see wonderful things...

A life full of parties and friends and...

and how I'd learned to play the guitar,

and... and maybe there'd even be a girl.

But as I was hanging up there...

...I didn't really see much of anything.

But I did see you.

And I know...

I know it sounds dumb, but I...

I really thought for a moment that...

that maybe, just maybe there was

a reason that you...

Wah wah wah, wah wah wah

Wah wah wah, wah wah wah

Ay ay ay, ay ay

- Wah wah wah, wah wah wah

- Ay ay ay, ay ay

Bra-da, bra-da

Bra-da

Wait! Wait! Wait!

Wait! Wait for me! Wait for me!

Go! Go! Go!

Cheese puffs?

Hello, world!

My name is Hank Thompson,

and I've been stranded out on

an island in the Pacific all alone!

And this man,

this man saved me from the brink of death

when he allowed me

to ride him like a jet ski,

propelled by his f...

How did you do that?

Maybe... Maybe your...

your gases built up from decomposition

and maybe your soul leaving you?

Why am I talking to you?

Please work.

Hello, world.

I'm sorry.

I gotta go.

Hello!

Hello.

Help!

Oh. You see that?

There's gonna be people there.

They're gonna feed us and take care of us.

Everybody's gonna want to hear our story,

and I'm gonna be all buff

from carrying you around.

Ohh. That's not funny.

Hello?

Help.

Help!

Oh, where did you come from,

where did you go?

Where did you come from,

Cotton Eye Joe?

Man, it's always the song that you hate

that gets stuck in your head.

Uh, sorry.

You can't sleep either?

My mom used to sing this song to me

when I couldn't sleep

so I wouldn't overthink things,

but I don't remember the words.

Crazy

I'm f***ing crazy

Maybe, just maybe

I'll make it alone

Rescued

I thought I was rescued

But you're just a dead dude

And I'm gonna die

There's gotta be a better way

To get out of here

Where do you come from

Cotton Eye Joe?

Let me eat you.

Ahh!

Huh? Come on!

Somebody help!

You're... you're just laying there

like a disgusting, useless sack of sh*t.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I have to go.

Thanks for your help, kind of.

Why?

No. No, no, no. No.

No, you a**hole. Stop it.

Ohh! Ahh!

Water! Water!

What are you doing? What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Okay.

Ah, you're the grossest thing

in this gross world.

Wait. No.

No, please. Please.

Please, I'm sorry. Please don't stop.

What?

Mah... ehh.

Mahn... ehh.

Manny?

Is that your name?

Mahn... ehh.

Hi, Manny. I'm Hank. Um...

Hhh... nk.

Hiiii.

Hi.

Huh... luh.

Hello.

- Hello...

- Hel... lo...

- Hank.

- Hank.

That's very good.

I...

Come on. Talk to me, buddy.

Stop mumbling, please.

Talk to me. Please. Speak up, Manny.

How do you expect anyone to want to talk

to you if you sound retarded?

I sound like my dad.

I'm sorry.

Hey. I didn't mean that.

Hey, you talk however you want.

You can mumble, look at your feet

all day long.

Okay, buddy?

Okay, buddy.

Hi.

Hello.

Why did you hit me? Hey.

Why did you hit me?

I'm sorry. I...

I thought you were dead.

Am I dead?

I don't think so. You're talking.

But I sound retarded.

No, no, you sound great.

Don't say that word. I didn't...

I'm a useless...

- sack of sh*t?

- No, man.

Hey.

No. No, I didn't mean that.

I was being an a**hole.

I'm not a sack of sh*t?

No, you're amazing.

You're... You're a miracle, or...

or I'm just hallucinating from starvation.

Uh-oh.

This is... This is crazy.

Crazy

- No, no, no, no, no.

- I'm f***ing crazy

Hey, hey, hey. Stop. Stop. Stop.

Stop. Stop singing.

You weren't supposed to hear that.

Oh, I like that. Singing.

Okay, can you remember

anything about before, your life?

How you got here? Where we are?

How you saved me?

- Anything?

- Hey, what is that?

Oh, that, no. I...

Don't worry... Don't worry about that.

What's important is that

we find a way to get home.

Okay. I'm trying to remember.

What is home?

This is from home.

It's normally full of these things

called cheese puffs.

Okay.

Um, sometimes, um, your fingers

would be coated in orange after eating it.

And your mom probably

told you to wash your hands,

but I bet you'd just lick it off

when she wasn't looking.

- Anything?

- What?

What?

Wait. Wait, what's supposed to happen?

I don't know. I thought...

thought maybe I could tap

into some sense memory or something,

and, bam, the... the hairs would stand up

on the back of your neck,

and your heart would start pounding

as it all rushes back to you,

everything you left behind.

Your jaw hangs open.

The camera pushes in.

Cue the music.

- You remember "Jurassic Park"!

- What?

You were just singing the theme song.

Laura Dern, the brachiosaurus.

I don't know "Jurassic Park. "

You remember the song.

Manny...

if you don't know "Jurassic Park,"

you don't know sh*t.

This is from home,

where all the other people are.

- Why is it out here now?

- Oh, it's trash.

It's everything people don't want,

so we hide it.

Why don't people want it anymore?

Well, that's broken.

That's empty.

This is useless.

Smelly. Old.

How'd you get so far from home?

I... I ran away, but that's...

It doesn't matter. That's...

What's important is you

remembering your life.

Okay. What is life?

Uh, okay.

This is you.

This is your body, and...

and that's where your brain is,

and that's where you're going

to remember something.

Humans have evolved over millions

and millions of years to be this way.

- Yeah!

- We do all this stuff,

because it helps us survive... kind of.

What's that?

That's poop.

Poop is when your body

takes everything it doesn't want

and squeezes it out of your butt.

Everything poops. There's a book.

Everybody reads about it

when they're a kid.

People poop every day.

Or extra when they're scared or sick

or right when they die, because, uh,

you sh*t your pants when you die.

- Oh, God.

- No, it's okay.

People die every day.

What do they do with all the dead people?

- Do they hide them?

- Yeah.

- So I'm like trash?

- No. You're different.

Maybe you fell in radioactive waste,

or maybe you were a special genetically

engineered soldier

who was cryogenically frozen

and sent back in time to save me

and save all of mankind.

Oh, Super Manny, save me!

You've got something in there.

You're like the multipurpose tool guy.

- You're special.

- I'm special?

Yeah. And that's why I need you

to help me get home.

Back in civilization, there's 7 billion

other living people on the planet

just running around and blinking

and breathing and eating,

and you used to be one of them.

You were probably just looking for

happiness. That's what everyone does.

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