Swiss Army Man Page #2

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This is what you look like

when you're happy.

Happy.

You look for someone who will make you

happy, a friend, a girlfriend, or a dog.

- Ruff ruff. Good boy.

- Good boy.

Sometimes you might be lucky enough

to bump into the one person

you wanna spend the rest

of your life with,

- and that is love.

- Okay.

You want to go home so you can have love?

Yeah.

But you ran away 'cause nobody loves you?

That's not true.

You're broken and empty and dirty

and smelly and useless and old.

- You're like trash, right?

- Shut up. What...

I'm sorry, Hank.

I'm just saying the things in my head.

Well, you can't just say

everything that comes into your head.

That's bad talking.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Help!

Can anybody hear me?

I'm lost!

What do I do now, Hank?

Manny... just look at them.

Imagine them without their clothes on.

What's underneath their clothes?

You know, their...

b*obs and vaginas, butts.

B*obs, vaginas, and butts.

- What do you do with those?

- Manny...

You know, it used to be...

really hard to come by a magazine like

that when I was a kid.

I'd have to go digging

under the bushes by the freeway

and sneak into my dad's stash.

I mean, before the Internet,

every girl was a lot more special.

I bet you probably did the same thing,

make up little love stories

for each of them.

What kind of love stories?

Well...

her name might have been... Jessie.

And you'd imagine

bumping into her on the street

and whisking her off her feet.

Sign a one-year lease together.

Cook dinner together.

Watch Netflix.

Ah.

Hank, something's...

something's going wrong with my b*obs.

What do you mean?

They're going crazy.

Holy sh*t.

Ho... Oh, no. It's stopping.

- Huh.

- Hey.

What is Netflix?

Sh*t. Uh, n...

Well, that's...

Normally when you go on a date

with a girl,

you'd take her to the theater

to watch a movie,

but when you're... when you're truly

comfortable with someone,

you stay at home and watch Netflix.

Like, you and Jessie would probably stay

at home together all the time,

watching movies.

You'd... You'd fall asleep on the couch,

unless you were throwing

one of your awesome parties.

Then a few years later, you'd...

you'd get married.

You'd have a... a small wedding,

nothing big, and... and you'd have twins,

and you'd have to get a second job to pay

the bills, but you wouldn't care, because...

because you'd be going camping

all the time with your family, and...

and you'd tell her she looks

even more beautiful with gray hairs.

Manny.

Manny, I think my love story

is bringing you back to life!

Oh! Whoa! Whoa!

- It's moving!

- What's happening?

- What is that?

- It's alive!

- What is it?

- It's moving!

Oh, God, I'm disgusting!

No, no. No, no, no, you're not disgusting.

No, my body is disgusting. It's horrible!

No, it's okay. This happens to everybody.

This happens to everybody, it's normal.

- Really? Okay.

- Yeah. Uh...

It's okay. Calm down.

Hey. Hey.

Hey.

Hey. Let's just...

Let's just take this away for a second.

Calm down. It's okay.

Okay.

Holy sh*t.

Jessie.

Manny, I think your penis

is guiding us home.

Oh.

Hey, nothing's happening, Hank.

You think I'm broken?

Ah, that's okay.

Look, sometimes when you do something

too many times,

it has less of an effect.

It's like the... the law

of diminishing returns.

It happens to everyone.

That's why there are so many fetishes

out there.

- Fetishes?

- Yeah.

See, everybody has

their own special tastes.

Girls must be so nice if they let guys

do all those things to them.

Yes, they are very nice.

Remember when you put

that cork in my butt?

Yeah.

- Did that count as sex?

- Manny, no.

I wanna have sex.

I wish there was some way

I could pretend to do it.

It's called masturbation.

It's kinda like sex.

- But by yourself?

- Yeah.

Masturbating makes people happy?

It's supposed to, sure.

I bet you masturbate a lot.

I can't believe we're talking about this.

Manny, people aren't supposed to talk

about this stuff.

Look, I just don't do it very much.

The first time my dad caught me

looking at one of those magazines,

he got really upset.

Why?

Well, I guess parents don't like knowing

that their kids look

at that kind of stuff.

That's why they tell them they'll...

they'll go to hell or go blind.

But my dad...

He didn't believe in that stuff,

so my dad said,

"Hank, uh, when you... you know,

uh, it expends energy,

both in the... in the orgasm

and in the daily reproduction of sperm,

so... so if you do it a lot, it adds up,

and it shortens your life span,

and that's why, on average, males

have shorter life spans,

because they... you know. "

So you were scared of death?

Yeah. I... I was pretty upset.

And then my mom saw that I was crying,

and so she said this ridiculous thing.

She said that she was 40 and I was 11 and,

if I masturbated enough,

I could catch up to her

and, that way, we could die on the exact

same day and never be apart.

I think she was trying to be funny.

Oh.

Ah, it's not funny.

Oh. Okay.

She had a weird sense of humor.

And even if she was right,

I wouldn't have been able to jack off

fast enough to catch up.

She died shortly after.

And so now, when you masturbate,

you think about your mom.

Ah, Manny, no. That's weird.

Weird?

Weird is like... when you do stuff

that nobody else does,

so they make fun of you for it.

So when I say that I can't masturbate

because it makes me think about my mom,

people laugh at you.

But that's fun.

Making people laugh is great.

It's not, because they call you names

like Hanky Wanky,

you have to change schools,

and it's... it's not fun.

Hank, when I masturbate,

I'm gonna think about your mom.

Manny, stop.

But if I think about your mom

when I masturbate,

- then you won't be weird anymore, right?

- No. Just quit talking.

- I'm just trying to help.

- Well, you're not,

so stop talking and stop asking questions.

Should I just go back to being dead?

Yes, you should. Die in a fire.

Manny, hey.

Manny, I'm sorry I got upset.

Focus. Are we going the right way?

Manny.

Buddy, I need you.

I need you, your special compass.

Okay.

Holy...

Something enormous took a dump here.

We better be careful.

Ohh!

Careful.

- Hey, Hank.

- Quiet.

I thought you wanted me

to start talking again.

I do. But right now,

I need you to be quiet.

Well, I'm still not very good at

controlling the volume of my voice, Hank.

- You have to teach me...

- Manny.

What is your face doing?

Why are your eyes so big?

Manny, this is what fear looks like.

Why are you afraid of that poop?

- I'm scared of whatever took that poop.

- But why, though?

Because only huge, scary things

take poops that big.

So what? Everything poops.

Yes, but if it finds us, it will eat us

and push us out its butt

and turn us into poop.

Aah! Manny, run!

Hank!

Why are we moving so fast?

What...

Raah!

Wow.

Hank.

What am I looking at?

That's a... a phone.

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