Synecdoche, New York Page #5

baby. He had to go find himself.

They still feel a little tight in the toe.

Have an argument.

You're having an argument. Have it.

- I don't buy it.

- You, sir, are a horse's ass.

What? Just get the f***ing shoe.

You gave me two sizes too big.

Tom, don't turn into another person

just because I say change your action.

And this started just today?

It never happened before?

Okay. Good.

You can get dressed.

I mean, you're a doctor, right?

Am I dying? Can you tell me that?

- No.

- No, you can't tell me?

- I can't tell you.

- You can't tell me if you can't tell me?

- No.

- No, you can't tell me...

...because you're not allowed to?

- No.

- Caden.

- What are you doing here?

I was wondering

if I was gonna bump into you.

- You look great.

- Thanks.

- Is that a new haircut?

- Yeah. For a while now.

What are you doing in New York?

I'm here with Derek and the boys.

A mini vacation.

- The boys?

- Yeah. I thought you knew.

- How old?

- Five.

Twins. Robert and Daniel and Alan.

Yes.

They're nice names.

Where are they?

Derek took them to the Natural History

so I could shop.

It's so good to see you, Caden.

L... How are things?

You know, I was with Claire.

And we have a daughter.

But we're separated.

How about with you?

Good. I have a great job

at Lens Shapers.

Shapers. Great. You wear a lab coat.

- It's so good to see you.

- Oh, good to see you, Hazel.

Hey! What are you doing?

- I got you.

- Let me go.

How I love Maria.

She is so much more of a father

than Caden ever was...

...with his drinking and unfortunate

body odor and rotting teeth.

I could only loathe him,

and perhaps pity him.

But Maria.

I wanna come back.

I wanna take care of you and Olive.

Ariel. Ariel. F***.

Ariel.

No, no, no, it's so late. Please.

No, no, no. Please.

Hello?

Okay.

My father died.

Oh, baby.

They said his body was riddled

with cancer and that he didn't know.

That he went in

because his finger hurt.

They said he suffered horribly.

And that he...

That he called out for me

before he died.

They said that he said

he regretted his life.

And they said he said a lot of things.

Too many to recount.

They said it was the longest...

...and saddest deathbed speech

any of them had ever heard.

There was so little left of him...

...they had to fill the coffin

with cotton balls...

...to keep him from rattling around.

I'm really sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

Can you excuse me a moment?

- Of course.

- I need to use the bathroom.

- All right.

- Okay.

God bless you and your family.

God bless you. Will you excuse me?

It's Hazel. Leave a message or not.

It's your dime.

It's left five people dead.

Sorry.

- Caden?

- Hi, Derek.

Officials suspect arson.

In other news,

German pharmaceutical giant...

...has won its libel suit

against patients...

...claiming chromosomal damage

from use of the arthritis medication...

Will you just tell me what to do?

In Pakistan today, the government...

Caden, everyone has to figure out

their own life, you know.

I just want you to look at me

the way you used to.

Oh, honey, I can't anymore.

You know I'm sorry.

I screwed everything up,

and I don't have any courage.

- And I'm sorry.

- Caden.

- I'm okay.

- I don't want you to be okay.

I mean, I do, but it just...

It rips my guts out.

I'll help you through any way I can.

And I'll help you through too.

I'm fine.

I have Derek.

Okay, I'm going.

Honey, I'm coming.

Dear diary, today I felt a wetness

between my legs.

Maria explained to me

now I am a woman.

And being a woman is wonderful

with Maria to guide me.

Olive?

Olive.

Olive, it's Daddy.

Olive, it's Daddy! Olive, it's Daddy!

Don't f***ing stare at me! Olive!

Get off! It's my daughter!

That's my daughter!

Get off! Get off!

I won't settle for anything less

than the brutal truth.

Brutal. Brutal.

Each day I'll hand you a paper. It'll tell

you what happened to you that day.

You felt a lump in your breast.

You looked at your wife

and saw a stranger, et cetera.

- Caden?

- What?

When are we gonna

get an audience in here?

It's been 17 years.

All right, I'm not excusing myself

from this either.

I will have someone play me...

...to delve into the murky,

cowardly depths...

...of my lonely, f***ed-up being.

And he'll get notes too,

and those notes will correspond...

...to the notes I truly receive

every day from my god.

Get to work!

They fired me.

- I caused an outbreak of conjunctivitis.

- Oh, God.

I didn't wash my hands.

I had pinkeye hands.

- Oh, God.

- I'm a stupid cow.

F***ing private Christian school

is killing us. You know, it's not cheap.

It's Derek's thing.

I don't believe in that sh*t, you know.

You try to be a good person.

I mean, that's all there is.

Do you have anything for me,

Caden?

I mean, I already have an assistant.

- I don't have a box office yet, but...

- Please, caden.

Please, Caden. I...

Please, Caden.

Sammy Barnathan?

Sit. Sammy Barnathan.

I don't have a rsum or a picture.

- I've never worked as an actor.

- Good. Tell me why you're here.

Well, I've been...

I've been following you for 20 years.

So I knew about this audition

because I follow you.

And I've learned everything about you

by following you.

So hire me,

and you'll see who you truly are.

Peekaboo.

Okay.

Hazel, I don't think we need to talk to

anyone else. This guy has me down.

I'm gonna cast him right now.

Then maybe you and I can get a drink.

And we can try to figure out

this thing between us...

...why I cried.

Because I've never felt about anybody

the way I feel about you.

And I wanna f*** you

until we merge into a chimera...

...a mythical beast with penis

and vagina eternally fused...

...two pairs of eyes

that look only at each other...

...and lips ever touching.

And one voice that whispers to itself.

Okay.

Yeah. You've got the part.

I've never seen your sh*t gray.

It's new.

That's a good boy.

- When is it opening?

- When it's ready.

- We need to get in. It's bad out here.

- Sorry.

You know, I was thinking

of calling it Simulacrum.

I don't even know what it means.

Can I have a nickel if I doesn't play

with my pee-pee no more?

Yeah.

How about

The Flawed Light of Love and Grief?

I'm not sure.

Claire, I want you to play yourself.

Sammy's gonna move

into your apartment set as me.

It would be my honor

to play your husband, Claire.

You're an amazing actress.

No, I saw you do Bernarda Alba

last year at the Roundabout.

Yeah?

That was a fun play.

Emotionally, it was tough,

but f***ing fulfilling.

Plus, I loved working

with so many strong female actresses.

I'm gonna start thinking

about myself.

Start, huh?

Who is Claire Keen?

Claire Keen. Claire Keen.

- Why did we leave Adele, Caden?

- Claire Keen. Well...

She left us.

You know that better than anybody.

Except me.

An amazing artist though.

The best living artist.

I mean, there's no one who stares

the truth in the face like she does.

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