Synecdoche, New York Page #8

It wasn't earth-shattering.

- Did you cry?

- No.

You're making progress.

Okay, I cried a little before.

Hazel, you've been a part of me

forever. Don't you know that?

I breathe your name

in every exhalation.

- What are we doing?

- I don't know.

Oh, this is the place

I stayed with Derek and the kids.

- Yeah, we're almost...

- Caden.

Caden.

- Caden. Caden, look at me.

- What are you doing?

Sammy, stay right where you are.

I'm coming up.

There's nothing to talk about, Hazel.

It's not your fault.

- What are you doing?

- I've watched you forever, Caden.

But you've never really looked

at anyone other than yourself.

So watch me.

Watch my heart break.

Watch me jump.

Watch me learn

that after death there's nothing.

No more watching,

no more following, no love.

Say goodbye to Hazel for me.

And say it for yourself too.

- None of us has much time.

- Sammy! Come down!

Hazel, I love you!

Sammy!

I didn't jump, Sammy.

A man stopped me before I jumped.

Get up!

I didn't jump.

I know how to do it now.

There are nearly 13 million people

in the world.

I mean, can you imagine

that many people?

And none of those people

is an extra.

They're all leads in their own stories.

They have to be given their due.

I know how to do it now.

There are 13 million people

in this world.

Can you imagine

how many people that is?

None of those people are an extra.

They're all a lead in their own story.

They have got to be given their due.

Do you see what I'm saying?

Come over tonight.

Please.

You know,

we could get a place together.

- We could get a loft.

- God, Caden, that sounds nice.

I miss my daughter.

Maybe she could come live with us.

I miss Olive.

And the other one.

- I'm a bad person.

- Oh, no, you're not.

I am. I should never have gone out

with Sammy.

I was just trying to get to you.

You can't cause someone

to kill himself.

He was very troubled.

God, Caden.

I wish we had this

when we were young.

And all those years in between.

My heart aches so much for you.

We're here, Caden.

- I'm here.

- I'm aching for it being over.

Yeah. The end is built

into the beginning.

What can you do?

- God, you're just perfect.

- I'm a mess.

- But we fit, don't we?

- Yeah.

It doesn't always happen

for me now...

...because of the medication

and everything.

- I take a lot of pills.

- It's okay.

I'm embarrassed. I don't want you

to think it's about you or me.

It's okay.

I have a title.

The Obscure Moon

Lighting an Obscure World.

I think it might be too much.

Yeah, probably.

Sir, could you come up here,

please?

Might be smoke inhalation.

It's Hazel. Leave a message or not.

It's your dime.

I know how to do the play now.

It'll all take place

over the course of one day...

...and that day

will be the day before you died.

It was the happiest day of my life.

And I'll be able to relive it forever.

See you soon.

So have you got any thoughts

for today's rehearsal?

I have a new title, maybe.

Infectious Diseases in Cattle.

The title means a lot of things.

You'll see, it means a lot.

I need a Caden for my Hazel.

I'd very much like to play Caden.

I know that...

I know that it would be

nontraditional casting...

...but I think I could do it.

I think I understand him.

I don't understand him.

Well, Caden Cotard

is a man already dead.

He lives in a half world

between stasis and antistasis...

...and time is concentrated,

chronology confused.

Yet up until recently,

he's strived valiantly...

...to make sense of his situation.

But now he's turned to stone.

- Okay. Sounds good.

- Okay.

- Thanks.

- She's right?

I didn't see that at all.

I saw it as much more hopeful.

None of those people is extras.

They're all leads in their own stories.

No, this is tedious. This is nothing.

Hi, your scene's over.

Would you leave the stage?

- What is she doing?

- He's directing.

Can I get you down

at the coffin there?

She not getting the feel of you,

Caden.

You don't move around like that.

You don't talk to people.

Sit on the ground there.

Okay, everybody, let's run it.

Everything is more complicated

than you think.

You only see a tenth of what is true.

There are a million little strings

attached to every choice you make.

You can destroy your life

every time you choose.

But maybe you won't know

for 20 years...

...and you may never, ever trace it

to its source.

And you only get one chance

to play it out.

Just try and figure out

your own divorce.

And they say there is no fate,

but there is, it's what you create.

And even though the world goes on

for eons and eons...

...you are only here for a fraction

of a fraction of a second.

Most of your time is spent being dead

or not yet born.

But while alive, you wait in vain...

...wasting years for a phone call

or a letter or a look...

...from someone or something

to make it all right.

And it never comes, or it seems to,

but it doesn't really.

So you spend your time

in vague regret...

...or vaguer hope

that something good will come along.

Something

to make you feel connected.

Something

to make you feel whole.

Something

to make you feel loved.

And the truth is...

...I feel so angry.

And the truth is...

...I feel so f***ing sad.

And the truth is, I've felt

so f***ing hurt for so f***ing long.

And for just as long,

I've been pretending I'm okay...

...just to get along, just for...

I don't know why.

Maybe because no one wants to hear

about my misery...

...because they have their own.

Well, f*** everybody.

- Amen.

- Amen.

- Delightful.

- Thanks.

I'm out of ideas.

I'm dead.

Well, I could take over as you for a bit

until you feel refreshed.

I think you're tired, Caden.

All these years of creative work.

I think you just need some time

to regroup.

- I need to keep my hand in.

- Well, Ellen needs to be filled.

- What do you mean?

- Her role. Just for a bit.

It's a choice role.

I do like to clean.

Ellen?

- Yes?

- Caden asked me to give you this.

You're to keep it in all the time.

So touched by the sadness

of Adele's neighbor so close to death.

Say, "Thank you,"

to Adele's neighbor.

Thank you.

You're very welcome, young lady.

- Now say, "Have a very good day."

- Have a very good day.

I will indeed.

Reach for the toilet paper.

Wrap some around your hand.

Wipe yourself.

There was supposed to be

something else.

You were supposed

to have something, a calm.

Love.

Children.

A child, at least.

Children.

Meaning.

Everything okay, Eric?

- Everything is everything.

- He hates me.

I disappointed him,

and he hates me.

Everyone is disappointing

when you know someone.

I remember having that picnic

with my mother. Look at me.

Ellen, what is it?

I was so young.

I'm going to remember this moment

for the rest of my life, Mama...

...and in exactly 20 years,

come here with my daughter...

...and have exactly the same picnic.

There was so much hope.

Baby, that the loveliest thing

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