Syrup

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1

- [People chattering]

- [traffic noises]

[sirens approaching]

Narrator:

"Marketing 101"

[pop music playing]

if you live in any major city,

you see 800 ads a day.

In most of them, models are

going to be looking at you

- like they want to f*** you.

- [honks]

You're so used to this that you

don't even notice it anymore,

but your body does.

Your heart rate increases,

your pupils dilate,

you breathe faster...

- [fireworks popping]

- you become more alert.

- [Woman singing]

- You've been tapped.

Looking at a billboard

is supposed to feel

like love at first sight.

But it's not real.

It's just marketing.

And without that,

you wouldn't even know

who you are.

[Phone ringing]

You see, the first thing

you learn in business school

is that you need to market yourself

before the ads do it for you.

Which is why they teach you

to pick a new name--

brand yourself

and become the product

- that you're trying to sell.

- Your name's Scat?

Yeah, my name's Scat.

Narrator:
A name he chose

because it was closely associated

- with jazz, beat poetry and...

- Animal sh*t.

N-- like jazz.

It's a type of music.

You've had 16 sexual partners?

- Okay...

- Yeah.

Provided your blood test

comes back negative,

that'll be $54.

Fifty-- don't you think my sperm's

worth a little more than that?

Because you've had

16 sexual partners,

there's already a 90% risk...

Scat:
But I put on my form

that I don't have an STI.

Woman:
You could have

written anything.

Ma'am, what am I supposed

to do with $54?

I can't pay my rent with $54.

Do you know how hard it is for me

to just give away my future spawn

for 54 bucks?

- How do you think they'd feel?

- Shh.

Cool name.

Narrator:

This is Scat's roommate Sneaky Pete.

He broke his jaw sophomore year

after a motorcycle accident,

and had it wired shut.

He couldn't speak for three months.

The accident just so happened

to coincide with "Marketing 304:

Persona Creation," where Sneaky Pete

received the only perfect score.

He hasn't said a word since.

You're a perfect candidate, Mr. Pete.

This is wonderful.

Provided your blood test...

Narrator:
Pete visited the health clinic

18 times his freshman year,

and it wasn't because he had the flu.

That will be $270.

Narrator:

But the truth doesn't matter,

because perception is reality.

Woman:

...saving it for marriage.

Narrator:

It's all just...

marketing.

- [Cars honking]

- [distant barking]

- [chickens clucking]

- Woman on phone: $54 a week?

Your sister makes more

at her lemonade stand.

Mom, it's just temporary.

Competition's stiff in this climate.

- [Sighs] You're settling.

- I'll get--

You used to be so innovative.

Remember when you won

the science fair, Michael?

Mom, my name is Scat now.

Man on TV:
This form is now...

- [TV channels changing]

- [bagpipes play]

Newscaster:

Recapping the stories...

Announcer:

Introducing the Tiddy Bear.

- That's T-I-D-D-Y Bear.

- [coughing]

The cute little guy

that eliminates all those

- irritating shoulder-strap problems.

- [coughing continues]

Designed to make

driving more comfortable,

the Tiddy Bear snaps

onto your shoulder strap

and moves up and down to eliminate

uncomfortable pressure...

- Going to bed?

- Now you can have you own Tiddy Bear,

and eliminate those annoying shoulder...

Narrator:

They say every person has three

million-dollar ideas in their life.

Scat had three of them

before he turned seven...

- See you tomorrow.

- ...and many after.

In high school, he won

the state science fair

for inventing

a new flavor of ice cream.

165 people showed up

for the taste test.

They just wanted vanilla.

You see, people don't care

about something new.

They just want the same old thing

behind a new, sexier label...

- [soda opens]

- F***!

...because taste doesn't matter.

It's all about the branding.

And without that...

it's just syrup and water.

[Techno music playing,

woman vocalizing]

Pete, you awake?

I have an idea...

it's a drink idea. It just clicked!

I'm gonna run with this, Pete.

I really think this

could be it for me.

I might even be able to pull you in too.

You've got great ideas.

What do you think?

Do I-- I mean do I go indie?

Do I try to sell

to one of the majors?

Yeah, it definitely

feels mainstream.

One of the majors.

I just need to get it

in front of the right guy.

- [Pen clicking]

- Narrator:
Little did he know

her name is Six.

- Wow.

- [pop music playing]

Go party down now...

Narrator:

Six sounds like sex.

That's the point.

Studies show that

the more men associate

sex with decision-making, the more

likely their answer will be "yes"

- to anything that you might request.

- Morning, Six!

Narrator:
"What was the question?"

you might ask.

- Man:
Grade A.

- Man #2:
Great ass.

[slams]

Do you really think it matters?

- [Phone rings]

- Addy. This is Beth.

Sure!

Welcome to the Addison Company,

how may I help you?

Hello, Beth is it?

I'm the brother to your

New Products marketing manager

and I...

[clears throat]

it's the whole family. We have

this special birthday surprise planned--

Who do you wish to see, sir?

- Six.

- I'm sorry,

New Products doesn't accept

unscheduled meetings.

Yeah, I know that, Beth.

That's why I'm here.

I was hoping you'd put me through to her

so that I can sort this all out.

- [Phone rings]

- Addy. This is Beth!

Sure, you're welcome!

I'm sorry, New Products doesn't

accept unsolicited calls.

Tell me, Beth, how do you suggest

that I contact my own sister?

I refuse to solicit a call.

- That's just absurd.

- Try her cell.

- Have a nice day, sir.

- [phone rings]

Addy. This is Beth.

Yeah, the ingredients

in Addison beverages

are suitable for a vegetarian.

[Alarm bell ringing]

Woman:

Should we reschedule?

Man:

No, I don't know.

[People chatting]

Man:
Not sure how long

we'll have to stay out here.

[Scat exhales]

- [clears throat]

- Woman:
All over my phone.

Man:

I suppose we should stand over here.

You know how they first

marketed fire alarms?

- Hired arsonists.

- Yeah.

"Marketing 101

I hear 'em from my manicurist,

my Pilates instructor,

my girlfriend.

I don't need yours.

You don't need my what?

A drink idea.

Okay, I have to say it: bravo.

You've got the sex thing,

you've got the wealth thing,

- you've totally got the mystery thing.

- You think this is an image?

You're right.

Don't ruin the magic.

The insurance company only obligates

a four-minute mandatory evacuation

for all fire alarms,

which means you have 25 seconds

before Addy starts losing money.

What? Can't we set up

a meeting, something?

I have an idea that could make

your company millions of dollars

and you're giving me 30 seconds?

That's how long we have

to sell our customers.

It's called advertising.

Five seconds.

All right.

Okay okay!

Jet black can called "Fukk"!

8:
00 PM, Alain Ducasse.

11:
00 AM, coffee.

I don't do dinner.

12:
00, lunch!

Abe & Arthur's.

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