T.J. Miller: No Real Reason

---

- I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE

TO DO THIS TO PERFORM,

BUT IT'S GOTTEN ME

THIS FAR.

all:
YOU'RE BAD. YOU'RE BAD.

YOU'RE VERY, VERY BAD.

- THANKS, GUYS.

CAN YOU CLEAR ALL THIS

OUT OF HERE?

[sighs]

[indistinct chatter]

MOTHER, THANK YOU

FOR EVERYTHING.

- I HOPE YOU GET MARRIED

AND DON'T DIE ALONE.

[indistinct chatter]

- FATHER, I JUST--

I WANTED TO SAY THANK YOU.

- REALLY GREAT.

- MELODY DUGGAN,

MY HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA TEACHER,

I CREDIT MY SUCCESS

TO YOUR BRILLIANCE AS A TEACHER.

- YOU WERE A P*SSY

IN HIGH SCHOOL.

YOU'LL BE A P*SSY FOREVER.

- WEIRD ONE.

NICK VATTEROTT, THANK YOU

FOR EVERYTHING, MAN.

- DID YOU GO UP YET?

- NO, MAN, I'M--

- RIGHT ON.

ALL RIGHT.

HAVE A GOOD SET, DUDE.

- IS THIS--OH.

ACTUALLY, I WENT THE WRONG WAY.

- GREAT SET, MAN.

- I HAVEN'T GONE UP YET.

- SUPER FUNNY.

[indistinct chatter]

- FATHER--

- T.J., I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

YOU COULDN'T FIND THE DOOR

TO THIS ONE.

- MOM, I DON'T KNOW WHY

I DID ANY OF THIS.

[upbeat hip-hop music]

- T.J. MILLER, T.J. MILLER

T-T-T-T-T-T- T.J. MILLER

T.J. MILLER, T.J. MILLER

[cheers and applause]

- WHAT THE F*** IS UP,

COLORADO, HUH?

[cheers and applause]

I THINK THAT'S A GOOD WAY

TO START THINGS OFF, YEAH?

HEY, GUYS, THANKS FOR COMING.

THIS GUY, TOTALLY UNIMPRESSED.

FROM THE VERY START,

NEVER CLAPPED, NOTHING.

JUST SO HIGH.

HE JUST TURNED:

TO HIS GIRLFRIEND.

HE'S LIKE, "WHO IS THIS?

"WHY DOES THIS COMEDIAN

KEEP LOOKING DIFFEREN EACH TIME I BLINK?"

NICE.

YOU GOT YOUR OREGON HOODIE ON.

THAT'S GOOD.

ARE YOU AWARE OF THE STATE

THAT YOU'RE IN, OR NO?

LET'S START IT OFF.

READY?

I SAY, "HEY," YOU SAY, "HO."

HEY.

all:
HO!

- NOT EVERYBODY.

JUST YOU.

READY?

HEY.

- HO.

- HEY.

- HO.

- HE'S GOOD.

THAT WAS GOOD.

YOU'RE A GOOD HO.

I MEAN, YOU'RE--

OH, THIS IS GREAT.

RECENTLY I THREW UP ON

THE STREET IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

THAT'S EXCITING, RIGHT?

OUR NATION'S CAPITOL.

THAT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

I THROW UP IN THE STREET A LOT.

I LIKE TO DRINK.

AND I GET HUNGOVER.

YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE HUNGOVER

AND YOU'RE LIKE,

"I AM DEFINITELY

GONNA VOMIT TODAY...

BUT I WONDER IF I CAN MAKE I TO BREAKFAST FIRST"?

SO I ROLLED THE DICE.

I WAS INCORRECT IN MY ASSERTION.

I KNOW THIS,

'CAUSE I MADE THAT SOUND

THAT YOU MAKE WHEN

YOU'RE DEFINITELY GONNA VOMIT.

YOU KNOW, WHEN THERE'S

NO DECISION LEFT?

IT SOUNDS LIKE THIS:

[retching violently]

YOU KNOW?

THAT'S A REAL PROBLEM.

WHICH IS THE GREAT THING

ABOUT THE HUMAN BODY TOO.

NOT ONLY IS VOMITING

DISGUSTING,

WE GET TO LOOK LIKE A HUNGRY

BABY BIRD RIGHT BEFOREHAND.

[retching violently]

"FEED ME, MOTHER!"

IT'S A BRITISH BIRD,

PERHAPS A NIGHTINGALE.

WHAT WAS DIFFERENT ABOU THIS TIME IS,

RIGHT AS I BEGAN TO VOMIT,

LIKE, RIGHT AS I WAS LIKE:

[retching violently]

I TURNED, AND I MADE EYE CONTAC WITH A WOMAN

SITTING ACROSS THE STREE AT A STARBUCKS.

AND THEN I HELD EYE CONTAC AS I VOMITED.

WHICH IS TERRIBLE.

FOR HER MOSTLY.

'CAUSE I FEEL SO BAD FOR HER,

YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE HER MORNING

STARTED OFF SUCCESSFULLY.

YOU KNOW, SHE'S NOT WEARING

THE CLOTHING SHE WAS IN

THE NIGHT BEFORE.

SHE'S UP ON TIME.

SHE'S PROBABLY THINKING

TO HERSELF,

"WELL, ANOTHER

SUCCESSFUL MORNING.

"SIPPING A FRAPPE LATTE.

WHAT DO THEY ALWAYS SAY?

"EARLY TO BED, EARLY TO HAVE

THE WORMS IN YOUR HOUSE.

"I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT CLICHES,

"OR AT LEAST THE PERSON

IMPERSONATING ME ISN'T.

"IT'S A REAL POIN OF INSECURITY FOR HIM.

"BUT AT LEAST I WON'T HAVE

AN AWKWARD INTERACTION WITH--

WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THAT BABY

BIRD OF A MAN OVER THERE?"

THEN SHE JUST SEES ME LIKE:

[retching violently]

I ALSO WALK LIKE A ZOMBIE

WHEN I VOMIT.

BUT I FEEL BAD FOR HER,

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE WHAT'S GOING ON

IN HER REALITY?

SHE'S GOT TO GO HOME

AND CALL HER FRIENDS, RIGHT?

SHE DOESN'T KNOW THE CONTEXT.

SHE JUST CALLS.

SHE GOES, "OH, MY GOD, YOU GUYS.

"I WAS SO UGLY THIS MORNING.

I MADE A MAN VOMIT."

I DON'T WANT HER TO THINK THAT,

YOU KNOW?

RIGHT?

WOULDN'T YOU FEEL BAD?

SORRY, I JUST MADE IT AWKWARD,

DIDN'T I?

I DO THAT A LOT.

WHEN I MAKE EYE CONTAC WITH PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE,

I'LL HOLD IT.

LIKE, I'LL TALK TO SOMEBODY,

AND THEN I'LL FINISH TALKING,

BUT I WON'T LOOK AWAY...

UNTIL THEN.

THAT'S WEIRD.

THAT'S A WEIRD THING,

AND NOW I MADE IT ALL--

I DIDN'T MEAN TO MAKE--

YOU CAME TO THE SHOW.

I APPRECIATE IT.

I DON'T WANT TO MAKE IT WEIRD.

IN FACT, IF I NEED

TO TALK TO YOU FROM NOW ON,

I'LL LOOK AT HER.

IS THAT OKAY?

I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.

IF I WANT TO TALK TO YOU,

I'LL LOOK AT HER.

IS THAT OKAY?

[laughs]

YOU'RE CRYING,

DID YOU JUST COME FROM--

WHY ARE YOU:

EMBARRASSED ABOUT IT?

THAT'D BE SO AWFUL

IF I WAS LIKE,

"WHY ARE YOU CRYING

AT THE SHOW, HUH?

"YOU'RE CRYING FROM LAUGHING?

GET OUT OF HERE.

GO SMOKE POT IN HIS VAN."

[applause]

I LIKE THE IDEA THAT MAYBE

YOU GUYS ARE APPLAUDING

THAT HE MIGHT HAVE A VAN.

LIKE, "YEAH, LET'S HOPE HE DOES.

"YEAH, THEN HE HAS A PLACE

TO LIVE...

AND LURE CHILDREN."

DID YOU KNOW THAT, ACTUALLY--

THIS IS TRUE.

THIS AREA OF COLORADO

RIGHT AROUND HERE IN BOULDER

HAS THE HIGHEST CASES

OF PEDOPHILIA PER CAPITA

OF ANYWHERE ELSE

IN COLORADO.

DID YOU KNOW THAT?

THAT'S TRUE.

I READ IT ON WIKIPEDIA.

I MEAN, I PUT IT IN THERE,

BUT I READ I RIGHT AFTERWARDS...

AS AN OPEN-SOURCE CODING CHECK.

I DO, I CREEP PEOPLE OUT A LOT.

I DON'T MEAN TO AT ALL.

I REALIZED RECENTLY

THAT SOMETIMES WHEN I'M EXCITED

ABOUT SOMETHING, AFTER I SAY IT,

I'LL GO LIKE THIS...

DON'T EVER DO THAT.

THAT MAKES ANYTHING

YOU'RE SAYING SOUND,

LIKE,

MALICIOUS OR WITH MALINTENT.

WATCH, I'LL SHOW YOU.

"HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING

AFTER THE SHOW?"

WHAT DO I WANT TO DO TO THEM

AFTER THE SHOW, YOU KNOW?

"HEY, MAN, CAN I BORROW

A STICK OF GUM?"

THAT GUM AIN'T FOR CHEWING.

EVEN NICE THINGS.

"KAREN, CONGRATULATIONS.

I HEARD YOU'RE PREGNANT."

WHAT AM I GONNA DO,

GO UP THERE AND GET IT?

AND I HAVE A FRIEND.

HE CREEPS ME OUT.

TELL ME IF YOU HAVE ANYBODY

LIKE THIS.

HE WINKS AT ME A LOT.

LIKE, TOO MUCH.

ISN'T THAT WEIRD?

'CAUSE IT'S 2011, AND THEY'RE

NOT YOUR UNCLE, YOU KNOW?

BUT HE'LL WINK,

AND SOMETIMES IT'LL MAKE SENSE.

AND THEN OTHER TIMES, IT WON'T.

SO IT'S VERY CONFUSING.

IT'S LIKE, "HEY, DO YOU WANT TO

HANG OUT WITH THOSE GIRLS LATER?

THEY'RE DOWN TO PARTY."

AND I'LL BE LIKE, "YEAH, SURE.

OH, YEAH.

NO, THAT SOUNDS GOOD.

YEAH. YEAH. YEAH."

"YEAH, THEN MAYBE LATER,

YOU AND ME CAN GET SOME PIZZA."

"NO, I DON'T THINK

I WANT TO DO THAT.

DOES THAT INVOLVE US

HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE?"

"NO."

I LIKE THAT MOVE,

WHEN A GUY GETS SCARED.

I DON'T THINK THAT THERE SHOULD

BE PLANTS WITH LEAVES

OR FOLIAGE THAT HANGS DOWN

IN AIRPORTS.

I'LL EXPLAIN WHY.

WOULDN'T THAT BE WEIRD

IF I DIDN'T?

I JUST MOVED ON:

RIGHT AFTER THAT.

'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE A LO OF TIMES I'M IN AIRPORTS,

I'LL BE TEXTING, AND I'LL MOVE

OUT OF SOMEBODY'S WAY,

AND IF A PLANT EVEN JUST--

EVEN MILDLY TOUCHES,

LIKE, GRAZES ANY--

[grunting]

LIKE, SUDDENLY I KNOW

MARTIAL ARTS, YOU KNOW?

"IS IT A FERN OR A FICUS?

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