T.J. Miller: No Real Reason Page #2

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AIM FOR THE ROOTS."

AND I GOT TO STOP ACTING WEIRD

IN AIRPORTS IN GENERAL REALLY.

'CAUSE IT'S WEIRD.

I'M GETTING MORE RECOGNIZABLE

NOW, YOU KNOW,

'CAUSE I'VE BEEN

IN SOME MOVIES.

I'M NOT FAMOUS.

I'M, LIKE, THE LEAST FAMOUS

YOU CAN BE:

WHILE STILL BEING CONSIDERED

SORT OF FAMOUS, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, I'M THE LEVEL OF CELEBRITY

WHERE GROUPS OF GUYS AT AIRPORTS

WILL KIND OF LOOK OVER AT ME

AND WHISPER TO EACH OTHER

AND THEN KIND OF

LOOK BACK OVER.

AND I'M NOT SURE

IF THEY RECOGNIZE ME

OR THEY WANT TO GANG-RAPE ME

IN THE MEN'S ROOM.

EITHER WAY, I'M FLATTERED.

OR SOMETIMES:

I'LL GET SOMEBODY WHO KNOWS

THAT THEY RECOGNIZE ME,

BUT THEY CAN'T THINK

OF THE MOVIE OR THE TV SHOW

OR WHATEVER--

THEY DON'T KNOW

WHERE THEY RECOGNIZE ME FROM.

YEAH, NOW, THAT'S ALWAYS

A WEIRD INTERACTION.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE

EVER INTERACTED WITH SOMEBODY

WHO IS SIMULTANEOUSLY

VERY EXCITED TO SEE YOU

BUT ALSO VERY UPSE AND FRUSTRATED WITH THEMSELVES.

THAT'S STRANGE, LIKE, "HEY, OH,

YOU'RE THE GUY--

"OH, THIS IS SO--OH, THIS IS

GREAT, SO YOU'RE FROM--

"YOU'RE THE GUY FROM--

GODDAMN IT!

"HOLD ON A SECOND.

DON'T YOU TELL ME!

"I'M GONNA THINK OF IT.

HOLD ON ONE SECOND.

"SON OF A B*TCH, TREVOR!

DON'T--

"ALL RIGHT, YOU TELL ME

EVERYTHING THAT YOU'VE BEEN IN.

"I'LL TELL YOU

EVERYTHING I'VE SEEN.

"THEN WE'LL MATCH IT UP,

AND THEN I'LL DECIDE

IF IT'S WORTH

TAKING A PICTURE."

WHICH, BY THE WAY, IF YOU WAN TO TAKE A PICTURE WITH ME,

YOU KNOW, FOR WHATEVER REASON,

YOU'RE WELCOME TO,

BUT TAKE A PRACTICE SHOT.

I KNOW THAT SOUNDS WEIRD,

BUT SO OFTEN, I'LL BE POSING,

LIKE, WITH A GIRL,

AND HER BOYFRIEND

WILL BE USING HER CAMERA,

AND HE WON'T KNOW HOW TO USE IT,

AND SO THEN I'M POSING,

AND YOU KNOW, SHE'S,

YOU KNOW,

STANDING NEXT TO ME, LIKE...

"PRESS THE BUTTON.

"PRESS THE--

THE BUTTON ON THE FRONT.

"PRESS THE--

FINE, PRESS THE OTHER--

"PRESS THE ONE

THAT LOOKS LIKE A CAMERA.

"PRESS THE--

"PRESS--FINE, PRESS THE ONE

BUTTON THAT YOU HAVEN'T PRESSED.

"WHY DON'T YOU TRY

PRESSING THAT?

"WHAT DON'T YOU PRESS

THAT BUTTON?

"HE'S SO STUPID.

HE CHEATED ON ME IN JULY.

PRESS THE BUTTON!"

THEN IT'S JUST ME LIKE...

GOT TO WET THAT WHISTLE,

YOU KNOW?

ONE TIME I HAD A GUY--

THIS GUY APPROACHED ME

AT THE AIRPORT, AND HE GOES,

"HEY, YOU LOOK FAMILIAR."

AND I SAID, "YEAH, WELL,

YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN ME IN, LIKE,

SOME MOVIES OR ON TV

OR SOMETHING."

HE GOES, "NAH, WHAT HIGH SCHOOL

DID YOU GO TO?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "EAST HIGH."

AND HE WAS LIKE--

[cheering]

ALL RIGHT, YEAH.

HE WAS EQUALLY EXCITED.

AND I SAID, "EAST HIGH."

AND HE GOES,

"YEAH, YEAH, ME TOO."

AND I SAID, "WELL, I DIDN'T SAY

THE STATE OR THE CITY,

AND IT'S NAMED AFTER

A DIRECTION,"

AND HE GOES, "DID YOU RUN

TRACK AND FIELD?"

AND I SAID, "NO, I DIDN'T,

SO MAYBE IT'S CHELSEA LATELY."

HE GOES, "ME NEITHER.

WHAT WAS YOUR:

BEST FRIEND'S NAME?"

AND I WAS LIKE, "IT WAS LLOYD,

BUT I--"

THEN HE GOES, "I'M LLOYD."

AND THAT'S HOW I RECONNECTED

WITH MY BEST FRIEND

FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

[applause]

DON'T BE PRESUMPTUOUS.

THERE ARE GOOD THINGS

ABOUT BECOMING A LITTLE BI MORE RECOGNIZABLE.

I NOW HAVE A RIDER,

SO THAT'S WHAT I REQUIRE,

OR I WON'T PERFORM,

YOU KNOW.

LIKE, YOU KNOW,

SOME PEOPLE HAVE, LIKE,

NO BROWN M&M'S

OR WHATEVER.

SO I HAVE, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

A STOOL AND WATER

AND EVERYTHING,

BUT I ALSO PUT SOME THINGS

IN THERE JUST FOR ME,

YOU KNOW, JUST FOR FUN.

LIKE, I REQUIRE--

IT SAYS IN THE RIDER--

A TERRIBLE TURKEY SANDWICH,

AND THEN, IN PARENTHESES,

IT SAYS,

"OPEN TO INTERPRETATION."

AND THEN,

EITHER A REAL PINATA

OR A HAND-DRAWN PICTURE

OF A PINATA.

NOW, I DO THIS

FOR A COUPLE OF REASONS.

ONE, I THINK IT'S HILARIOUS.

TWO, IT'S NOT VERY HARD.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I HAD THIS

GIRL COME UP TO ME ONCE AND--

AT A COLLEGE, AND SHE GOES,

"OH, MY GOD.

"I AM SO SORRY.

ALL THEY HAD WAS HAM SANDWICHES.

SO I GOT YOU A HAM SANDWICH.

IS THAT OKAY?"

I SAID, "A HAM SANDWICH?

"THAT'S A PRETTY TERRIBLE

TURKEY SANDWICH.

I LIKE THE WAY:

YOU'RE INTERPRETING THINGS."

AND THEN, IF YOU CAN'T--

YOU KNOW, IF YOU CAN'T BUY ME

A REAL PINATA,

THEN ANYONE CAN DRAW A PINATA.

AND IF YOU CAN'T,

THEN I'LL REFUSE TO PERFORM,

LIKE I DID IN UPSTATE NEW YORK

AT ELMIRA COLLEGE

FOR 25 MINUTES.

AND LET ME TELL YOU THIS,

IF YOU HAVE NEVER HAD

A 22-YEAR-OLD

BEGRUDGINGLY DRAW YOU

A PINATA...

I RECOMMEND IT.

IT'S A LOT OF FUN.

"HERE, YOU HAPPY?

YOU WANT YOUR LITTLE GAME, T.J.?

HERE.

YOU HAPPY?"

"BUT WHERE WILL HE HANG FROM?"

AND THEN SOMETIMES PEOPLE

GIVE ME REALLY COOL PINATAS,

AND I ALWAYS TAKE THEM HOME,

AND YOU GOT TO CARRY THEM

ON THE PLANE,

'CAUSE YOU CAN'T CHECK A PINATA.

THAT SHOULD BE A T-SHIRT.

BUT I WAS AT THIS SMALL AIRPORT.

IT WAS, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

MAYBE TWO GATES, 25 PASSENGERS,

AND I WENT INTO THE BATHROOM,

AND WHEN I CAME OUT,

THERE WAS A TSA AGENT,

AND SHE WAS ALREADY MAD AT ME.

NEVER MET ME.

ALREADY.

"SIR, EXCUSE ME.

DO YOU HAVE:

ALL YOUR BELONGINGS?"

I SAID, "YEAH, I THINK--"

"REALLY?

"THOSE AREN'T YOUR BELONGINGS

OVER THERE?

THOSE AREN'T YOUR BELONGINGS?"

AND I JUST LOOK OVER,

AND MY BELONGINGS

THAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOU WAS JUST THIS SINGLE,

SOLITARY, LONELY PINATA, LIKE...

"WHAT DID I DO?"

YOU KNOW?

I BELIEVE HE WAS ECUADORIAN.

AND I SAID, "OH, YEAH.

THAT'S MINE.

I JUST, LIKE, COULDN'T CARRY I INTO THE BATH--"

SHE GOES, "SIR, IF YOU DON' HAVE YOUR BELONGINGS WITH YOU,

"WE'RE FORCED TO CONFISCATE

AND DESTROY THEM.

YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT."

AND I SAID, "OKAY, YEAH,

I JUST--I DIDN'T HAVE--"

SHE GOES, "SIR, FORCED

TO CONFISCATE AND DESTROY THEM.

YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT."

AND SHE WAS BEING SO RUDE,

I COULDN'T HELP IT.

I WAS JUST LIKE,

"YOU SHOULD KNOW THIS.

"FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T CARE

ABOUT THOSE BELONGINGS.

"I DON'T KNOW WHY

YOU'RE MAKING IT PLURAL.

"ARE YOU COUNTING

THE LEGS SEPARATELY?

"SO YOU CAN CONFISCATE IT,

AND TWO, YOU SHOULD KNOW

"THAT IF YOU DESTROY

THOSE BELONGINGS,

YOU'RE GONNA GE A LOT OF CANDY."

[applause]

SHE DIDN'T FIND THAT VERY FUNNY.

I HAVE A PROBLEM RIGHT NOW

WITH ANYBODY WHO HAS A SMALL

MODICUM OF AUTHORITY OVER YOU,

BUT THEN THEY EXER MORE CONTROL THAN THEY NEED TO

BECAUSE I MAKES THEM FEEL IMPORTANT,

AND IT'S NOT JUST THE TSA.

FOR INSTANCE, RECENTLY I WAS

TRYING TO PAY BY CREDIT CARD

AT A HAUNTED HOUSE.

AND THE GIRL SAID, "I'M GONNA

NEED TO SEE SOME I.D."

AND I COULDN'T FIND MY I.D.,

AND I SAID, "LOOK, I'M SO SORRY,

"BUT THESE ARE ALL MY FRIENDS,

AND I SAID I WOULD PAY,

"SO YOU COULD YOU JUST--

CAN YOU MAKE AN EXCEPTION

THIS ONE TIME?"

AND SHE GOES, "SORRY.

NO CREDIT CARD, NO I.D."

WHICH DIDN'T MAKE

ANY SENSE AT ALL.

IN FACT, THAT WAS THE OPPOSITE

OF WHAT WAS HAPPENING.

I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS A GOOD

TIME TO BRING THAT UP.

SO I SAID, "LOOK, I KNOW THAT.

"I UNDERSTAND

THAT'S THE PROTOCOL,

"BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY

PERSON HERE, YOU KNOW,

SO MAYBE:

YOU COULD MAKE AN--"

I MEAN, SHE WASN' THE ONLY PERSON THERE.

THAT WOULD BE:

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