T.J. Miller: No Real Reason Page #3

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A TERRIBLE HAUNTED HOUSE.

SHE'S JUST LIKE,

"HERE'S YOUR CHANGE.

"HOLD ON FOR JUST A LITTLE BIT.

"COME ON BACK!

"AH!

WAIT HERE, LIKE, 20, 30."

BUT SHE WAS THE ONLY PERSON

THAT HAD TO, LIKE, YOU KNOW,

FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THAT RULE,

SO SHE DIDN'T LET US IN,

SO AS I LEFT,

I JUST TURNED TO HER,

AND I WENT, "SO LET ME JUS GET ALL THIS STRAIGHT, OKAY?

"SO YOU'RE TELLING ME YOU WON' LET ME PAY FOR MY FRIENDS

"AND I TO GO

INTO YOUR ESTABLISHMEN "BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE I.D.

FOR A CREDIT CARD

"THAT YOU'RE CONCERNED I STOLE

"AND HEADED

STRAIGHT TO THE HAUNTED HOUSE?

"I JUST FOUND A CREDIT CARD,

AND I WAS LIKE, 'FREE MONEY!

"'WHAT DO WE DO, ELECTRONICS?

NO, LET'S GET SCARED WITH OUR

FRIENDS FOR 25 MINUTES!'"

AND I WAS REALLY PISSED TOO,

YOU KNOW,

BECAUSE I DON'T GET SCARED

BY MOVIES ANYMORE, YOU KNOW,

OR THE DARK OR SPIDERS.

IT'S MOSTLY JUST HAUNTED HOUSES

AND THEN STEPHEN KING NOVELS.

DO YOU GUYS GET SCARED BY THOSE?

ARE THOSE SCARY?

[scattered applause]

YEAH, IF YOU DON'T THINK SO,

THEN YOU'RE WRONG,

AND YOU NEED TO THINK

ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE.

I'M SORRY,

THAT'S THIS CATCHPHRASE

THAT I'M TRYING

TO GET TO CATCH ON, YOU KNOW?

BUT IT DOESN' REALLY FIT ANYWHERE, YOU KNOW.

THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE.

ANYWAY...

BUT STEPHEN KING NOVELS,

THEY REALLY--THEY DO.

THEY SCARE ME.

THEY'RE SO SCARY,

I THINK HE'S GOT TO GET SCARED

WHILE HE'S WRITING THEM.

DO YOU THINK?

DO YOU THINK HE'S EVER, LIKE,

"OH, GOD.

"OH, JESUS CHRIST.

"WHAT WILL I WRITE NEXT?

AH!"

THEY'RE SO SCARY,

SOMETIMES I DON'T EVEN WAN TO TURN THE PAGE, YOU KNOW?

I JUST WANT TO THROW THE BOOK

OUT THE WINDOW.

OR IF I'M IN A ROOM

WITH NO WINDOWS,

I WANT TO RUN INTO ANOTHER ROOM

AND THROW IT OUT OF THAT WINDOW.

OR IF I'M IN A HOUSE

WITH NO WINDOWS,

I WANT TO RUN DOWNSTAIRS AND

THROW IT OUT OF THE FRONT DOOR.

OR IF I'M IN A HOUSE

WITH NO WINDOWS AND NO DOORS,

THAT'S SCARY.

HOW DID I GET IN THERE?

I'M NOT A VERY COOL GUY.

I'M REALLY NOT.

I KNOW THIS BECAUSE

WHAT DO COOL GUYS DO

WHEN THEY GET A CORONA,

HUH?

WHAT DO THEY DO WITH THE LIME?

THEY'LL PRESS THE LIME DOWN

INTO THE BOTTLE,

AND THEN THEY TURN

THE BOTTLE UPSIDE DOWN

SO THAT THE LIME SLOWLY

FLOATS UPWARDS:

TO THE BOTTOM OF THE BOTTLE,

AND BY THEY TURN IT BACK AROUND,

USUALLY THEY'RE HAVING SEX

WITH A WOMAN.

I ALWAYS TRY AND DO THAT.

I'M LIKE, "OH, YEAH,

YOU'RE GOING BACK TO NURSING--

HOLD ON A SECOND.

I GOT A CORONA, SO--"

[mimics liquid splashing]

AND WHENEVER I ASK ADVICE ABOU HOW TO KIND OF ACT MORE SMOOTH

IN CERTAIN SITUATIONS,

PEOPLE ALWAYS GIVE ME SIMILAR--

LIKE, DO YOU EVER HAVE

ANYBODY SAY TO YOU,

"JUST DO YOUR THING"?

"JUST DO YOUR THING, MAN.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, T.J.

JUST DO YOUR THING.

JUST DO YOUR THING."

I DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.

BECAUSE MY THING IS THIS:

THAT'S A WEIRD THING.

DON'T TELL ME TO DO THAT.

THAT'S NOT GONNA HELP ME

IN ANY SITUATION.

I AM KIND OF A STRANGE GUY,

AS I MENTIONED.

I WANT TO TELL A STORY

TO ILLUSTRATE THAT.

MY EX-WIFE OF 27 YEARS, KAREN,

WAS THROWING --

[laughter]

SEE, THIS IS WHY COMEDIANS

DON'T OPEN UP TO AUDIENCES.

'CAUSE WE GET SLAPPED

IN THE FACE.

SHE WAS THROWING AWAY

HER TENNIS OUTFIT.

YOU GUYS KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

IT'S A MATCHING SKIR AND TANK TOP

USED IN THE RECREATIONAL PLAY

AND COMPETITION OF TENNIS.

SO SHE WAS GETTING RID OF IT,

AND I SAID,

"DO YOU THINK

THAT WILL FIT ME?"

AND SHE SAID,

"YEAH, I THINK IT'S ELASTIC."

SO I TRIED IT ON, AND IT FIT,

AND I KEPT I FOR WHENEVER I GOT HIGH.

'CAUSE IT WAS COMFORTABLE,

AND IT LOOKED HILARIOUS.

AND ONE TIME:

WE WERE ALL HANGING OUT,

AND MY COUSIN CAME OVER,

AND I WAS WEARING

THE TENNIS OUTFIT, AND HE GOES,

"HEY, YOU KNOW

WHAT YOU SHOULD DO?

YOU SHOULD GO DOWNSTAIRS TO

THE CORNER OF SUNSET AND VINE"--

WHICH IS:

A VERY BUSY INTERSECTION

WHERE I LIVE:

IN LOS ANGELES.

AND HE'S LIKE, "AND YOU SHOULD

SMOKE A CIGARETTE

"IN THAT OUTFIT.

I DARE YOU."

AND I WAS LIKE, "YOU DARE ME?

WHAT ARE WE, 15?

LET'S DO THIS THING."

SO I WENT DOWNSTAIRS,

BUT IT'S HOLLYWOOD,

SO NOBODY WAS REALLY

WEIRDED OUT BY IT.

BUT THEN,

AS I WAS ABOUT TO FINISH,

THIS GROUP OF THUGGISH YOUTHS,

YOU KNOW, APPROACHED,

LIKE YOUNG RAPSCALLIONS,

NE'ER-DO-WELLS, NO-GOODNIKS,

NOT-AS-GOOD-AS-THE-OTHERSES.

IT'S A PHRASE THAT NEVER

CAUGHT ON IN THE '30s.

THEY WERE APPROACHING,

AND I KNEW THEY WERE

GONNA YELL SOMETHING AT ME.

YOU KNOW WHEN KIDS ARE LIKE,

"HEY! HEY!"

YOU KNOW, YOU KNOW IT.

YOU KNOW IT.

SO I WANTED TO HEAD THEM OFF

AT THE PASS.

I WANTED TO YELL SOMETHING

AT THEM FIRST,

BUT I'M NOT MEAN OR TOUGH.

I'M JUST WEIRD, SO I WAS LIKE,

"WHAT IS THE WEIRDEST THING

"THAT A FULL-GROWN MAN

IN A TENNIS OUTFI COULD YELL AT A GROUP

OF THUGGISH YOUTHS?"

SO THIS IS WHAT I DID

AS THEY APPROACHED.

LIKE, "HEY! HEY!"

BEFORE THEY COULD YELL ANYTHING,

JUST FULL TENNIS OUTFIT,

I TURNED, AND I WENT:

"[clears throat]

FAGGOTS!"

[cheers and applause]

BUT HERE'S THE THING,

I WAS IMMEDIATELY PUNISHED

FOR YELLING THAT,

BECAUSE AS I TURNED TO RUN

INTO MY BUILDING

BECAUSE I'M A COWARD

AND I DIDN'T WANT THEM

TO KILL ME,

I REMEMBERED THAT TENNIS OUTFITS

DON'T HAVE POCKETS,

SO I DIDN'T HAVE

THE KEYS TO MY THING,

SO I WAS JUST LEFT OUTSIDE

MY BUILDING KNOCKING, THINKING,

"THIS IS GONNA BE

THE WEIRDEST OBITUARY EVER."

BUT THEY DIDN'T KILL ME,

THANK GOODNESS.

UM...

ALL THEY DID WAS--

THE TOUGHEST-LOOKING KID,

THIS IS:

WHAT HE YELLED.

HE JUST GOES, "YOU TOO OLD,

YOU WILL-FERRELL-LOOKING

MOTHERF***ER!"

WHICH, I THINK I WIN THAT ROUND.

HERE'S WHY.

LET'S IMAGINE HIM

TELLING THE STORY LATER.

"YO, SO WE WAS WALKING

DOWN THE STREET, RIGHT?

"AND THERE WAS THIS DUDE IN A--

"FULL-GROWN GUY, YOU KNOW,

TENNIS OUTFIT.

"YOU KNOW, MATCHING SKIR AND TANK TOP

"USED IN THE RECREATIONAL PLAY

AND COMPETITION OF TENNIS?

"SO HE LOOKED AT US, AND HE WAS

LIKE, 'HEH-HEH, FAGGOTS!'

"NO, HE--

NO, HE YELLED THAT AT US.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN

WHAT WAS I WEARING?

"I WAS WEARING THIS.

"SO ANYWAY, WE WALKED BY,

AND I WAS LIKE, 'YOU TOO OLD,

"YOU WILL-FERRELL-LOOKING

MOTHERF***ER!'

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN TOO OLD

TO WHAT?

"TOO OLD TO WEAR

A TENNIS OUTFIT.

YOU GOT TO CUT THAT SH*T OU AT 23."

I USED TO LIVE IN CHICAGO,

AND I WAS IN NEW YORK

FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

[scattered applause]

YEAH, THERE IT IS.

THAT'S THE SOFTES EXCITEMENT FOR CHICAGO--

[cheers]

"I USED TO LIVE IN CHICAGO."

THREE OR FOUR PEOPLE WERE LIKE,

"[weakly] YEAH.

"I FEEL NEUTRAL ABOUT THAT.

"IT WAS JUST MORE

OF AN OPPORTUNITY

TO LET AIR:

OUT OF MY BODY."

I LIKE PUBLIC TRANSIT, BECAUSE

YOU GET TO INTERACT WITH PEOPLE

THAT YOU WOULD NEVER INTERAC WITH OTHERWISE, YOU KNOW?

THE BEST THING I EVER SAW,

ON THE TRAIN IN CHICAGO,

THERE'S WAS THIS KID.

HE HAD HIS SHIRT UP

ABOVE HIS NIPPLES,

AND HE WAS GOING LIKE THIS:

AND I ADMIRED HIS FREEDOM.

BUT HIS FATHER THOUGHT HE WAS

A FUNNY GUY, AND HE GOES--

LOUD ENOUGH SO THAT EVERYBODY

COULD HEAR--HE GOES, "UH-OH.

"YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE

WITH EXPOSED BELLIES.

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