T.J. Miller: No Real Reason Page #4

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BELLY SLAP!"

AND THEN HE SLAPPED

THE KID'S BELLY,

LIKE, REALLY,

REALLY HARD, THOUGH.

LIKE, THE KID WAS LIKE...

"[grunting]"

SO I WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING.

SO I JUST WALKED UP

TO THE FATHER,

AND I WENT, "EXCUSE ME, SIR.

"YOU GAVE YOUR WORD.

SLAP IT."

THEY GOT OFF AT THE NEXT STOP.

I FOLLOWED THEM HOME.

I LIVED WITH THAT FAMILY

FOR TWO YEARS.

ONE THING I DO NOT MISS

ABOUT BEING:

ON PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION IS,

I HATE MAKING EYE CONTAC WITH ANYBODY UNDER THE AGE

OF THREE.

DO YOU GUYS HATE THAT?

YOU EVER LOCK EYES

WITH A BABY OR A TODDLER?

'CAUSE THEY DON'T LOOK AWAY.

THEY HAVEN'T LEARNED THAT YET,

YOU KNOW?

SO YOU'LL BE LIKE,

"HEY, LITTLE BUDDY."

AND THEY'RE LIKE:

AND THEN EVENTUALLY,

YOU LOOK AWAY,

'CAUSE YOU'RE

A PERSON WITH MANNERS.

BUT IF YOU LOOK BACK,

THEY'RE JUST STILL STARING.

SO I ALWAYS MAKE A FACE,

'CAUSE I FEEL LIKE

THAT'S WHAT I WOULD HAVE WANTED

WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BABY,

YOU KNOW?

LOCK EYES WITH A STRANGER.

MAKE A LITTLE FACE,

AND I LOOK AT HIM, AND I GO:

[hissing]

WHICH IS DIFFICULT TO EXPLAIN IF

A MOTHER CATCHES YOU DOING IT.

ALL RIGHT.

LET'S DO SOME SHORT JOKES.

THESE WILL BE FUN.

I GOT CALLED A GAYWAD RECENTLY.

GAY WAD.

SOME GUY YELLED AT ME

FROM HIS TRUCK.

THAT'S GREAT.

ONE GAY ISN'T ENOUGH FOR ME.

I'M A WET CLUMP

OF HOMOSEXUALITY.

IS THIS GAY, THOUGH?

LAST WEEK, I ROOFIED A GIRL.

YEAH.

BUT WHEN SHE WAS PASSED OUT,

I JUST REDID HER HAIR.

IT LOOKED TERRIBLE.

YOU GUYS LIKE TO PLAY

WITH WORDS?

I'M DYSLEXIC.

AND I GOT REALLY DEPRESSED

ABOUT IT RECENTLY,

SO I ENDED UP:

SLITTING MY ANKLES.

I LEFT A SUICIDE NOTE.

IT SAID, "SEE YOU LATER,

CROCODILES."

CALLED SOMEBODY AN INDIAN GIVER

RECENTLY.

THEY WERE REALLY OFFENDED,

SO I HAD TO TAKE IT BACK.

MY NAME IS T.J. MILLER.

I'M TIRED OF BEING CALLED

"T-GAY BUTT-FILLER."

SO LET'S CUT THAT OUT,

SPECIFICALLY ON THE INTERNET.

I WANT TO BE KNOWN BY MY

CHRISTIAN NAME, BUTT F***ER.

THAT'S WHAT MY BOYFRIEND

CHRISTIAN CALLS ME.

I'M NOT GAY,

BUT THAT'S A GREAT JOKE.

DON'T GET IN THE WAY

OF YOUR OWN FUN.

SOMETIMES I CAN TELL IMMEDIATELY

WHEN I MEET SOMEONE

THAT WE'LL

NEVER BE GOOD FRIENDS

BECAUSE OF SOMETHING

THAT THEY SAY.

LIKE, IF WHEN YOU

LIKE SOMETHING,

YOU SAY "COOL BEANS"--

LIKE, "COOL BEANS.

THAT'S COOL BEANS."

THEN US BEING GOOD FRIENDS

IS NOT COOL BEANS WITH ME.

IF YOU STILL THINK IT'S STILL

FUNNY TO SAY, "GUESS WHAT.

CHICKEN BUTT."

GUESS WHAT.

WE'LL NEVER BE GOOD FRIENDS.

IF YOU SAY, "THAT IS SO RANDOM.

HOW RANDOM IS THAT?

THAT IS, LIKE, SO RANDOM."

YOU'RE RIGHT;

THAT'S VERY RANDOM.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT'S CONSISTENT?

THE FACT THAT WE'LL NEVER

BE GOOD FRIENDS.

AND IF WE'RE IN THE CAR AND YOU

SAY, "OOH, LOOK AT THE CLOCK.

IT'S 11:
11.

MAKE A WISH."

AND 30 SECONDS LATER,

YOU'RE STILL ALIVE,

MY WISH DIDN'T COME TRUE,

AND WE'LL NEVER BE GOOD FRIENDS.

I LIKE TO GO UP TO GIRLS

SOMETIMES AND GO LIKE THIS:

"SO SARAH AND I WERE--

EXCUSE ME.

"MY EYES ARE UP HERE.

"THEY'RE NOT DOWN HERE.

THEY'RE UP HERE.

"I KNOW I HAVE GLITTER HERE.

YOU LOOK UP HERE.

NOW SLAP IT."

I LIKE LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS.

[cheers]

I LIKE LONG ISLAND ICED TEAS

BECAUSE THEY'RE MORE

OF A STATEMEN THAN THEY ARE A DRINK.

YOU KNOW, THE BARTENDER'S

SAYING, "WHAT WILL YOU HAVE?"

AND YOU'RE SAYING, "ALL OF IT.

"I'LL TAKE ALL OF IT.

PUT IT IN A TALL WEIRD GLASS.

"WITH A SPLASH OF COCA-COLA

SO NO ONE CAN SEE

HOW LONELY I AM INSIDE."

MIMOSAS ARE FUN TOO, BECAUSE

IF YOU'RE DRINKING CHAMPAGNE

AT 8:
00 A.M.,

YOU'RE AN ALCOHOLIC,

BUT IF YOU ADD ORANGE JUICE,

IT'S JUST AN EARLY BRUNCH.

BUT BEWARE OF THIS, OKAY?

SOME PLACES WILL ADVERTISE

BOTTOMLESS MIMOSAS.

LET ME JUST SAY THIS, OKAY?

FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE,

IF BY 10:
00 A.M. YOU'RE SO DRUNK

THAT YOU'RE PHYSICALLY FORCING

YOUR WAITER:

TO WEAR THE FRENCH TOAS HAT THAT YOU MADE HIM,

YOU'VE REACHED THE BOTTOM

OF THOSE MIMOSAS.

YOU'VE REACHED THE ROCK BOTTOM.

[cheers and applause]

I HAVE A PRESCRIPTION

FOR MARIJUANA IN LOS ANGELES.

[cheers]

IT'S FOR ANXIETY.

PRIMARILY ANXIETY ABOUT GETTING

ARRESTED FOR MARIJUANA.

[applause]

SO LET'S CLEAR THAT RIGHT UP.

I GOT KICKED OUT OF

THE PARTY STORE FOR PARTYING.

THAT DOESN'T SEEM FAIR.

THEY SHOULD CALL I THE UNFUN STREAMER STORE

WHERE YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED

TO BREAK-DANCE

AND FUNNEL GIN AND TONICS STORE.

I'M SO EXCITED

TO TELL THIS NEXT JOKE.

HEY, HAVE YOU GUYS EVER BEEN

TO A BIG LOTS?

IT LOOKS LIKE A TARGE JUST GOT LOOTED.

IT'S FUN.

SOMETIMES WHEN I'M TALKING TO

A GUY WITH A SHORT MAN COMPLEX--

YOU KNOW THOSE GUYS

WITH A NAPOLEON COMPLEX

THAT WON'T LE YOU GET A WORD IN EDGEWISE?

WHEN I'M LISTENING TO THEM,

I LIKE TO GO LIKE THIS...

"UH-HUH. SURE.

"REALLY? OKAY.

"AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?

"NO.

"WELL, WHERE WAS SARAH?

"WHAT DID SHE SAY?

"NO.

"TELL ME MORE ABOUT THAT.

"REALLY?

UH-UH."

AND THEN WHEN I'M SHORTER

THAN THEM, I JUST GO,

"HOW'S THE WEATHER UP THERE?"

AND I PUNCH THEM IN THE DICK.

[cheers and applause]

THAT JOKE'S EVEN BETTER

ON PAPER.

MY FRIEND SAID TO ME, "T.J.,

YOU'RE MORE OF A WORD MAN.

ME, NOT SO MUCH AS MUCH."

I SAID, "YEPPERS, YEPPPERS,

JOHNNY DEPPERS."

YOU CAN USE THAT.

I'D LIKE TO "PRE-FACE" THIS NEX JOKE BY SAYING THAT I DON'T KNOW

THE CORRECT "PRO-NOWN-CIATION"

OF THE WORD "PREFIKAY."

SO I WAS READING THE "PROFUSE"

OF THIS BOOK THE OTHER DAY,

AND I WAS LIKE,

"THIS IS SO LONG,

IT NEEDS ITS OWN 'PREFACHAY.'"

PRONUNCIATION:

OF THE WORD PREFACE JOKE

DIDN'T GO THAT WELL, HUH?

THAT'S OKAY.

I GOT OTHER STUFF.

HEY, WHAT DO GAY HORSES EAT?

all:
HEY!

- HORSE DICK.

OH, YOU LIKE THAT ONE BETTER?

YEAH?

JUST GETTING THE INTELLECTUAL

BAROMETER OF THE ROOM.

THIS GUY.

I LIKE LATE LAUGHERS, YOU KNOW?

GUYS THAT ARE THINKING

A LITTLE BIT ABOUT IT,

DECIDE TO RETURN

TO THE LAUGHTER.

[laughs]

[laughs]

BUT I'M NOT MAKING FUN

OF YOUR LAUGH.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT--AT ALL.

'CAUSE I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE

MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE'S LAUGHS.

IT'S SUCH A TERRIBLE THING.

YOU EVER HAD ANYBODY MAKE FUN

OF YOUR LAUGH?

THAT'S BASICALLY LIKE SAYING,

"HEY, YOU KNOW THAT SOUND

"THAT YOU MAKE WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY

AND JOYFUL:

"AND THE TRAGEDY AND SADNESS

THAT PERMEATES OUR LIVES

"IS TEMPORARILY SET ASIDE

FOR A MOMENT OF EUPHORIA?

"YEAH, YOU SOUND STUPID.

YOU SHOULD STOP DOING THAT."

AND WHEN:

WE FIRST STARTED DATING,

KAREN USED TO SAY THAT SHE HATED

WHEN I WOULD LAUGH REALLY HARD,

BECAUSE SHE SAID IT SOUNDED LIKE

I WANTED TO KILL HER.

YOU KNOW HOW SNOOP DOGG SAYS YOU

GOT TO DROP IT LIKE IT'S HOT?

WELL, I DROPPED THAT LIKE I WAS ANY TEMPERATURE.

[maniacal laughter]

I'M GONNA KILL YOU.

SORRY.

UGH.

THIS WOMAN WOULDN'T LET ME

HOLD HER BABY THE OTHER DAY,

BECAUSE SHE SAID

I WAS TOO DRUNK.

OKAY, FIRST OF ALL, DON'T BRING

YOUR BABY INTO THE BAR.

AM I RIGHT?

AND SECOND OF ALL,

IF I'M DRINKING MALT LIQUOR ON

A PLAYGROUND, I CALL THAT A BAR.

YEAH.

YEAH.

DO YOU EVER SAY SOMETHING AND

YOU REGRET IT RIGHT AFTERWARDS?

LIKE I JUST DID, YEAH.

YOU WANT TO HEAR THE WORST THING

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