T.J. Miller: No Real Reason Page #5

---

THAT I EVER SAID?

THIS IS SO AWFUL.

I WAS AT THIS PARTY,

AND THIS GIRL CAME OVER,

AND SHE WENT INTO THE BATHROOM,

AND I DON'T KNOW WHY,

BUT I TURNED:

TO MY FRIEND, AND I GO,

"[wincing]

LOOKS LIKE SHE GOT HI IN THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL."

AND HE WAS LIKE, "SHE DID GE HIT IN THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL."

AND I WAS LIKE, "SORRY."

AND HE'S LIKE, "T.J., YOU HI HER IN THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL.

"THREE WEEKS AGO,

YOU WERE BURYING TREASURE,

AND SHE SCARED YOU."

AND THAT'S TRUE.

SHE CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU--

I DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE

MY COMEDY:

OR IF YOU THINK I'M FUNNY.

IT DOESN'T MATTER TO ME,

BECAUSE AFTER THE SHOW,

I'M PROBABLY GONNA

GET A LITTLE BIT OF THIS.

MAYBE SOME OF THIS.

SOME OF THIS.

OR IF I'M REALLY LUCKY,

TONIGHT WILL BE THE NIGH I'LL GET WHAT I'VE

ALWAYS BEEN LOOKING FOR,

A LITTLE BIT OF THIS.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD

ABOUT THAT ONE,

THOSE OF YOU THAT DIDN' LIKE IT DON'T KNOW WHY.

SOME OF MY BEST THINKING IS DONE

IN MY SHIRT THAT SAYS, "IDAHO?

YOU DA HO."

I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW

LANGUAGE TRULY IS A ELASTIC,

ISN'T IT?

EVEN CHANGING ONE LETTER CAN

CHANGE THE SEMANTICS OF A WORD,

AND THEN I HAD:

A TOTALLY SEPARATE THOUGHT.

I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR

PERCEPTION OF OUR OWN BODIES

IS MUCH MORE IMPORTAN THAN OTHER PEOPLE'S PERCEPTION

OF OUR BODIES.

ISN'T THAT TRUE?

AND I WAS THINKING ABOUT THA WHEN I WAS WEARING MY SHIR THAT SAYS,

"THIS IS AIN'T A BEER BELLY.

IT'S A GAS TANK

FOR A F*** MACHINE."

SO I GUESS WHAT I'M SAYING IS,

T-SHIRTS CAN TELL YOU

A LOT ABOUT A PERSON

AND HOW THEY THINK.

FOR INSTANCE, I SAW A GUY.

HE WAS WEARING A SHIRT THA SAID, "WARNING, CHOKING HAZARD."

AND THEN THERE WAS

AN ARROW POINTING DOWN.

AND THAT TELLS YOU A FEW THINGS

ABOUT THAT GUY.

ONE, HE'S GOT A KILLER SENSE

OF HUMOR.

AM I RIGHT?

TWO, HE'S CONCERNED

WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S SAFETY.

THAT'S A BONUS.

AND THREE, HE'S A DATE RAPIST.

SO DON'T TALK TO HIM.

I FEEL LIKE THOSE ARE THE GUYS

THAT WRITE BATHROOM GRAFFITI.

I DON'T KNOW.

HOW MANY OF YOU ARE ENTHUSIASTIC

ABOUT BATHROOM GRAFFITI?

I THINK IT'S NICE FOR SOMEBODY

TO TAKE TIME OU OF WHAT THEY'RE DOING

TO WRITE SOMETHING FOR US

TO READ WHILE WE'RE DOING

WHAT THEY WERE DOING.

BUT I FIND IT'S OFTEN

EXAGGERATED, YOU KNOW?

IT'S HYPERBOLE FOR EFFECT.

SO I CARRY A SHARPIE MARKER,

AND I'LL ADD TO IT UNDERNEATH

TO MAKE IT MORE TRUTHFUL.

SO YOU KNOW,

SOMEBODY WILL WRITE, LIKE,

"FLORIDA STATE SUCKS."

AND UNDERNEATH, I'LL WRITE,

"MOSTLY BECAUSE

OF BUDGETARY RESTRICTIONS."

YOU KNOW, OR THEY'LL WRITE,

"SARAH'S A SLUT."

AND UNDERNEATH, I'LL WRITE,

"BECAUSE HER PARENTS DIDN' "GIVE HER ENOUGH ATTENTION,

SHE SEEKS OUT MALE ATTENTION

IN NEGATIVE WAYS."

THAT'S TRUE.

OR SOMEBODY WILL WRITE, "FOR

A GOOD TIME, CALL THIS NUMBER."

AND I'LL CROSS OU THE NUMBER AND PUT MINE,

AND THEN I'LL CROSS OU THE WORD GOOD AND PUT, "WEIRD."

AND THEN I'LL CUT OUT TWO LITTLE

EYE HOLES RIGHT ABOVE IT,

SO WHEN THEY'RE

FINISHED READING,

AND I JUST POP UP AND GO:

CAN YOU GUYS IMAGINE IF I HAD

KETCHUP BOTTLES INSTEAD OF LEGS?

TAKE A MOMENT AND IMAGINE THAT.

IF I HAD KETCHUP BOTTLES

FOR LEGS.

LOOK AT THAT.

NOW, HOW MANY OF YOU IN HERE,

WHEN YOU IMAGINED MY LEGS

OF KETCHUP BOTTLES,

IMAGINED THE FAT BASE

OF THE BOTTLE:

WHERE MY FEET WOULD BE?

BY ROUND OF APPLAUSE,

HOW MANY PEOPLE?

YES?

[applause]

SO YOU'RE ALL PEOPLE THAT I

WOULD CONSIDER TO BE FRIENDS,

AND YOU'RE REASONABLE

INDIVIDUALS, OKAY?

NOW HOW MANY OF THE REST OF YOU

LIVE IN A FANCIFUL WORLD,

AND YOU IMAGINED THAT I HAD

THE LITTLE WHITE CAPS

AS MY SHOES?

[applause]

SURE. YEAH. YEAH.

YEAH.

LIKE THAT'S PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE.

I CAN'T BALANCE ON THOSE

LITTLE CIPPY-CAPPY.

TIP-TOPPERS.

OKAY?

AS SOON AS I GET ANY SPEED

GOING, I'M GONNA TRIP.

MY LEGS ARE GONNA

SHATTER EVERYWHERE.

HERE'S ANOTHER WEIRD THING

ABOUT THE HUMAN MIND.

NOW EVERYBODY IMAGINE ME

WITH WINGS ON MY HEAD.

IMAGINE THAT.

WE ALL IMAGINED THE SAME THING,

THIS, RIGHT?

NOBODY IMAGINED THIS.

'CAUSE IT HURTS YOUR NOSE.

I'VE BEEN PRACTICING

INTRODUCING MYSELF

AS SOMEONE NAMED

TIM GREGORY.

HERE ARE MY TOP THREE FAVORITES.

HI, I'M TIM GREGORY.

PUT HERE THERE, RIGHT THERE.

YO, WHAT'S UP?

IT'S ME, TIMMY G.

TIM GREGORY.

WHOA--I DIDN'T NOTICE YOU THERE,

LURKING IN THE SHADOWS.

ARE YOU A NINJA?

JUST KIDDING. I'M TIM.

SO THOSE ARE MY THREE FAVORITES.

IF YOU CAN THINK

OF ANY BETTER ONES,

SEND ME A FACEBOOK MESSAGE,

BUT DON'T EVER TELL ME

TO FACEBOOK YOU,

'CAUSE I'LL JUST HIT YOU

IN THE FACE WITH A BOOK.

WELL, WE CAN ALL AGREE.

DENVER-BOULDER LIKES

TO F***ING PARTY.

[cheers and applause]

AS I MENTIONED BEFORE,

I RECENTLY GOT DIVORCED

FROM MY WIFE OF--

EX-WIFE NOW.

I KEEP SAYING WIFE.

MY EX-WIFE OF 27 YEARS, KAREN,

AND--

YOU KNOW, WHENEVER

YOU SPLIT FROM SOMEONE,

WE ALWAYS WANT TO BLAME

THE OTHER PERSON, DON'T WE?

WE DO.

BUT IT'S ALWAYS

BOTH PEOPLE'S FAULT.

I HAD MY PART IN IT, YOU KNOW?

I WAS IRRESPONSIBLE.

I DIDN'T ALWAYS

KEEP MY WORD, YOU KNOW?

I ASKED QUESTIONS

THAT I DIDN'T REALLY

WANT TO KNOW THE ANSWER TO.

LIKE, GUYS, DON'T DO THIS.

I ASKED HER WHAT SHE THOUGH ABOUT THE SIZE OF...

YOU KNOW.

AND SHE SAID IT WAS JUST RIGHT.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID,

JUST RIGHT.

YEAH, THAT'S GREAT.

LET'S ALL THINK ABOUT THA AS A GROUP.

THAT MEANS SHE'S HAD

A LOT SMALLER.

SHE'S ALSO HAD A LOT BIGGER.

BUT I ENDED UP BEING JUST RIGHT.

SHE'S LIKE GOLDILOCKS.

SHE TRIED EVERYTHING.

BUT THE PORRIDGE WAS PENISES.

SHE'S THE GOLDILOCKS OF D*CKS.

SHE'S GOLDI-C*CKS.

LADIES, YOU SHOULD KNOW

I'M ALL HEAD, NO SHAFT.

ALL HEAD, NO SHAFT.

LOOKS LIKE A PORTABELLA MUSHROOM

SMASHED MY DICK.

GOT ONE OF THEM SHIITAKE C*CKS.

SUPER MARIO 1-UP DICK.

A GIRL GOES DOWN ON ME,

SHE GETS AN EXTRA GUY.

THAT'S WEIRD.

NOW, I REALIZE THAT I MAY HAVE

ALIENATED SOME OF YOU

WITH THAT LAST PIECE

OF MATERIAL.

AND I WANT TO APOLOGIZE,

BUT RATHER THAN PUSH YOU AWAY,

I WAS ACTUALLY:

TRYING TO HELP YOU

BY BRINGING YOU CLOSER TO ME.

AND YOU'RE PROBABLY THINKING,

"T.J., HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?"

WELL, WHAT DO WE DO

WHEN SOMETHING GOES WRONG

IN OUR LIVES?

WHAT DO WE SAY?

FML, RIGHT?

F. MY LIFE.

F*** MY L.

OR WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SAY.

BUT HOPEFULLY THE NEXT TIME THA SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO YOU,

YOU'LL STOP YOURSELF.

YOU'LL SAY, "FM--

HOLD ON A SECOND.

"YOU KNOW, T.J. MILLER

CAME ON STAGE,

"AND HE OPENED UP TO US

ABOUT A CONDITION THAT HE HAD

"WHERE HE WAS PRIMARILY HEAD

AND VERY LITTLE SHAFT.

"AND NO MATTER HOW BAD THINGS

GET FOR ME, AT LEAST IN COLLEGE,

"THEY DIDN'T USE TO CALL ME

'OLD BROCCOLI DICK.'"

NOW, I TRIED TO MAKE THE BES OF IT, OKAY?

I TRIED TO MAKE LEMONS OU OF LEMONADE.

THAT'S VERY DIFFICULT.

THAT'S THE WRONG ORDER

IN WHICH TO DO THAT.

YOU GOT TO FREEZE THE LEMONADE

INTO LITTLE FROZEN

LEMON BALL SPHERE--

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

THE POINT IS, MY TALE IS A TALE

OF INSPIRATION AND HOPE.

BECAUSE WITH ENOUGH HARD WORK

AND DEDICATION,

I WAS IN YOGI BEAR 3-D.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes