T.J. Miller: No Real Reason Page #6

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[cheers and applause]

I AM PLEASED TO SAY

THAT I MADE ENOUGH MONEY

THAT I GOT AN OPERATION

DOWN THERE,

AND NOW IT LOOKS A LITTLE BI MORE LIKE THIS:

MY PENIS HAS A METAL BASE,

AND THE HEAD IS DETACHABLE.

AND IT AMPLIFIES YOUR VOICE,

WHICH MAKES FOR:

VERY CONFUSING FELLATIO.

BUT YOU KNOW,

KAREN HAD HER ISSUES TOO.

[sighs]

SHE HAD TRUST ISSUES, YOU KNOW?

SHE WENT THROUGH MY EMAIL.

DO WE HAVE ANY GIRLS IN HERE

THAT GO THROUGH:

THEIR GUYS' EMAIL?

- [whistling]

[scattered cheers]

- DO WE HAVE ANY GIRLS IN HERE

THAT ARE SITTING

AS COMPLETELY STILL

SO AS NOT TO BETRAY

THE FACT THAT THEY--

AND WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?

AND DID YOU GUYS LIKE THAT MOVE

WHEN I ALMOST HIT THE STOOL?

THAT WAS PRETTY GOOD.

I ALMOST HIT THE STOOL.

I WAS ABOUT TO BACK INTO IT,

BUT INSTEAD I DID

A LITTLE PIROUETTE,

AND NOW EVERYTHING'S FINE,

AND IF I HAD JUS NOT MENTIONED IT,

WE WOULD HAVE BEEN GOOD.

SHE DID.

SHE WENT THROUGH MY EMAILS.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

WHY WOULD YOU:

GO THROUGH SOMEONE'S EMAIL?

DID SHE FIND WHA SHE WAS LOOKING FOR?

DID SHE FIND SOME EMAIL THA WAS LIKE, "HEY, IT'S ME, T.J.

"READ ALL THIS IN WHISPER TONE.

"I LOVE CHEATING ON YOU

WITH MY GIRLFRIEND, OKAY?

"ALL RIGHTY, I GOT TO GO.

SHE'S SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO ME.

LOVE YOU MORE THAN HER, T.J."

NO, OF COURSE NOT, OKAY.

AND SHE EVEN WENT THROUGH

PAST EMAILS, YOU KNOW?

SHE WENT THROUGH EMAILS

THAT I HAD SEN TO A COLLEGE GIRLFRIEND,

AND WHY:

WOULD SHE DO THAT?

WAS SHE JUST LIKE, "I WANT TO

HAVE A TERRIBLE WEEK," YOU KNOW?

SHE CAME TO ME--

THIS IS TRUE--

AND SHE SAID,

"YOU KNOW WHAT?

"YOU'RE AN UNORIGINAL JERK.

"EVERYTHING

THAT YOU'VE SAID TO ME,

YOU'VE SAID

TO SOME OTHER GIRL."

AND I FELT AWFUL,

BUT I WAS LIKE, "YEAH.

OF COURSE."

THERE'S ONLY A LIMITED AMOUN THAT MAKE SENSE TO SAY

TO A FEMALE.

IF YOU CAN ONLY USE THEM ONCE,

YOU'RE GONNA RUN OU AND BE LIKE,

"GARBAGE TRUCK, BANANA BOAT."

DID SHE WANT ME TO MAKE UP--

- INCONSIDERATE F***!

[all gasping]

- OH, SEE, SO--

SO AS I WAS SAYING EARLIER,

BEFORE A GIRL DURING MY

COMEDY CENTRAL HOUR SPECIAL

GOT UP AND WENT,

"YOU'RE AN INCONSIDERATE F***!"

[applause]

OH, GOD.

SHE HAD A BACK TATTOO THAT IN

CHINESE, I THINK, SAID, "SORRY."

[cheers and applause]

IT SAID--

ACTUALLY,

I READ THE WHOLE THING.

IT SAID, "SORRY, I'M SURE

YOU THOUGH THIS WAS GOING TO BE BETTER."

[cheers]

SO AS I WAS SAYING, YOU KNOW,

WHEN KAREN WENT THROUGH

MY EMAILS AND SHE SAID

HOW UNORIGINAL I WAS, I MEAN,

WHAT DID SHE WANT ME TO DO?

DID SHE WANT ME:

TO MAKE UP WORDS?

I WOULD HAVE, YOU KNOW?

I LOVED HER. YOU KNOW.

I WOULD HAVE GONE UP TO HER

AND SAID, "HEY, LISTEN TO ME.

"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,

BUT I WOULD NEVER SAY THAT,

"BECAUSE

I'VE SAID IT BEFORE.

"INSTEAD, I WANT TO TELL YOU

"THAT YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY

'FADAKTUYAPUTS,'

"AND WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER,

IT IS SO 'SHAPUNKAYOOTS.'

"AND I'VE NEVER SAID

ANY OF THIS TO ANYBODY BEFORE.

"BUT WHEN WE MAKE LOVE,

IT IS ABSOLUTELY...

[speaking nonsense syllables]"

NO, 'CAUSE SHE WAS A PESSIMIST.

SHE PROBABLY WOULD HAVE SAID,

"YOU PROBABLY SAID THA TO SOME NATIVE AMERICAN GIRL."

I TRAVEL A LOT NOW.

ONE OF THE WAYS THAT I MAKE I BETTER IS,

YOU KNOW WHENEVER

A PLANE LANDS,

THE PILOT WILL GE ON THE P.A. SYSTEM AND GO,

"UNITED AIRLINES WOULD LIKE

TO BE THE FIRST TO WELCOME YOU

"TO DENVER, COLORADO.

"WE APPRECIATE YOUR BUSINESS,

AND WE HOPE YOU'LL FLY

WITH US AGAIN."

WHAT I LIKE TO DO IS,

RIGHT BEFORE WE'RE ABOU TO TOUCH DOWN,

I JUST YELL,

"WELCOME TO DENVER!"

'CAUSE THEY HAVE TO GET ON

AND GO,

"[sighs]

"WELL, NOW HE SAID IT,

SO I CAN'T SAY IT.

"HE ALREADY SAID IT.

"YOU SHUT UP, GLENN.

YOU'RE THE COPILOT.

"UNITED AIRLINES WOULD LIKE

TO BE THE SECOND TO WELCOME YOU

"TO DENVER, COLORADO,

THANKS TO PASSENGER 19B

WHO HAD 15 SCOTCH AND SODAS AND

FELL ASLEEP IN THE BATHROOM."

THAT'S A TRUE STORY,

THAT LAST PART.

[cheers and applause]

I LIVE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA, A YOUNG

COUPLE TRIED TO SELL THEIR BABY

IN A WAL-MART PARKING LO FOR $50.

- YEAH!

- NOW, BEFORE YOU FREAK OUT--

AND DEFINITELY DON'T YELL "YEAH"

LIKE THAT GUY DID.

THAT GUY WAS LIKE, "YEAH!

OH, NOPE. NO.

I'M NOT IN A SAFE PLACE."

BEFORE YOU FREAK OUT, THE COUPLE

WAS DEFINITELY METH HEADS.

THEY WERE DEFINITELY METH HEADS.

I KNOW THIS BECAUSE I LOOKED UP

THEIR PICTURE ONLINE,

AND YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'VE BEEN

DOING METH:

AND YOU'VE BEEN SCRATCHING

YOUR FACE ALL DAY

'CAUSE IT FEELS SO GOOD,

AND YOU'RE LIKE,

"I GOT TO STOP

SCRATCHING MY FACE,

OTHERWISE IT'S GONNA

START BLEEDING,"

BUT IT FEELS SO GOOD

THAT YOU'RE LIKE,

"I JUST WAN TO SCRATCH IT ONE MORE TIME,"

SO YOU MAKE A DEAL WITH YOURSELF

WHERE YOU'RE LIKE,

"OKAY, I CAN JUST SCRATCH IT ONE

MORE TIME REALLY, REALLY GOOD,

AND THEN I WON' SCRATCH IT AGAIN,"

BUT THEN YOU START SCRATCHING,

AND YOU'RE LIKE,

"I'M GONNA KEEP SCRATCHING."

AND THEN YOU STAR BLEEDING PROFUSELY?

THAT'S WHEN THEY TOOK

THE PICTURE.

BUT I'M NOT CONCERNED

WITH THE SALE OF BABIES.

YOU'LL FIND THAT OUT ABOUT ME

IF WE BECOME BETTER FRIENDS.

AND I'M ALSO NOT TOO CONCERNED

WITH METH USE:

UNTIL I HEARD THIS STORY,

BECAUSE METH IS NOW--

THAT'S A TERRIBLE DRUG BECAUSE

OF WHAT IT DOES TO YOUR MIND

IN TERMS OF UNDERSTANDING

THE VALUE OF A BABY

AND HOW TO SELL A BABY.

$50?

FIRST OF ALL, THEY PICKED

THE WRONG SALES LOCATION,

AND THAT'S EVERYTHING.

A WAL-MART PARKING LOT?

NO ONE IS WALKING

INTO A WAL-MART EXCITED

ABOUT THEIR LIFE AND WANTING

TO ADD MORE PEOPLE TO IT.

IF ANYTHING, THEY'RE THERE

BECAUSE THEY CAN'T STOP

ADDING PEOPLE TO THEIR LIFE.

THINK ABOUT IT.

HAVE YOU EVER WALKED

INTO WAL-MART AND BEEN LIKE,

"ALL MY DREAMS

ARE COMING TRUE"?

NO. OKAY.

IF ANYTHING, YOU'RE THERE

'CAUSE YOU KEEP ACCIDENTALLY

ADDING MORE LIFES TO YOUR LIFE.

BUT LET'S JUST PRETEND

FOR A SECOND THAT SOMEBODY

WOULD WAKE UP THAT MORNING,

AND THEY'RE LIKE,

"OH, I WISH I HAD A BABY,

BUT I DON'T HAVE A GIRLFRIEND

OR A WIFE, AND I WOULD BUY ONE,

BUT THAT'S ILLEGAL,

SO I GUESS:

I'LL JUST GO TO WAL-MART."

AND THEN, AS THEY'RE WALKING

TO WAL-MART,

THEY'RE APPROACHED

BY A YOUNG METH HEAD COUPLE,

AND THEY WERE LIKE,

"HEY, YOU WANT TO BUY A BABY?"

"YES, I DO. THERE IS A DEITY.

HOW MUCH FOR THE BABY?"

"$50."

"WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE BABY?

"$50?

IS THE BABY ON CLEARANCE?

ARE THEY ROLLING BACK

BABY PRICES?"

CAN WE ALL AGREE, OKAY,

HUMAN LIFE IS PRICELESS, RIGHT?

BUT A BABY IS WORTH

AT LEAST $1,200.

WELL, $1,300

IF IT'S PUERTO RICAN.

[moaning]

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF YOU

REACTED NEGATIVELY

TO THE LAST PART OF THAT JOKE,

BUT IF YOU'D LISTENED CAREFULLY,

I OVERVALUED:

THE PUERTO RICAN BABY BY $100.

SO IF WHEN I SAID THA THE GENERAL BABY WAS $1,200

AND THE PUERTO RICAN CHILD

WAS $1,300

AND YOU WENT, "UGH,"

YOU'RE RACIST.

THINK ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE.

[cheers and applause]

OKAY, I'D LIKE TO DO SOME

CHARACTERS FOR YOU GUYS.

THESE ARE REALLY SHOR AND STRANGE,

SO IF YOU DIDN'T LIKE

THE MORE ABSTRACT MATERIAL,

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