T.J. Miller: No Real Reason Page #7

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THEN YOU'RE DEFINITELY NO GONNA LIKE THIS,

BUT JUST BEAR WITH ME.

IT'LL ALL BE OVER SOON.

THIS FIRST CHARACTER, THIS IS,

LIKE, A HIP-HOP GUY,

BUT WHEN HE LAUGHS,

HE LAUGHS LIKE:

A YOUNG ASIAN SCHOOLGIRL.

"YO, WHAT'S UP?

YOU GOING TO THE CLUB LATER?

"YEAH, I'M ABOUT TO HIT THAT UP.

"IF I'M LUCKY, I'LL BE HITTING

SOMETHING ELSE UP LATER ON,

"YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

[tittering]"

THIS NEXT CHARACTER...

THIS IS A GUY WHO DOESN'T KNOW

HOW TO USE THE WORD

"CLUSTERFUCK" CORRECTLY.

"HEY, YOU KNOW THAT WAITRESS

I WAS WITH LAST NIGHT?

TOTALLY CLUSTERFUCKED HER."

THIS NEXT CHARACTER,

THIS IS A GUY WHO--

WHENEVER HE'S TRYING TO THINK OF

SOMETHING, HE HUMS TO HIMSELF,

BUT THE ONLY MUSIC

HE'S EVER HEARD IS HEAVY METAL.

"HOW LONG HAVE I LIVED HERE?

I HAVE TO THINK ABOUT THAT.

[humming aggressively]

OH, ABOUT SIX MONTHS."

THANK YOU.

THIS NEXT CHARACTER, THIS IS GUY

WHOSE FAVORITE BAR IS A GAY BAR,

BUT HE DOESN'T KNOW

THAT IT'S A GAY BAR.

"YOU GUYS WANT TO GO

TO MY FAVORITE PLACE?

"YEAH, IT'S CALLED THE MAN HOLE.

YEAH, IT'S A LOT OF FUN.

"YOU CAN TAKE OFF YOUR SHIR IF IT GETS HOT,

"AND THEY HAVE HOLES

IN THE BATHROOM STALLS

"SO YOU CAN PLAY TRICKS

ON EACH OTHER,

LIKE, 'WHAT ARE YOU DOING

IN THERE?'"

THIS NEXT CHARACTER,

THIS IS A ROBO WHO'S ABOUT TO GET BUSY

ON THE DANCE FLOOR

BY DOING THE PERSON.

"ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS THING.

"I'M GONNA DO THE PERSON.

I HAVE EMOTIONS, AND I NEED

TO EAT TO LIVE."

[cheers and applause]

THIS IS A GIRL:

WHOSE ORGASM FACE,

HER "O" FACE,

IS COMPLETELY NEUTRAL.

"OH, MY GOSH. OH.

OH, THIS IS AMAZING.

"OH, RIGHT THERE. RIGHT THERE.

"OH, HERE IT COMES.

HERE IT COMES.

"[moaning]

OH, MY GOD.

THAT WAS AMAZING."

THIS IS A GUY WHO'S REALLY PUSHY

ABOUT WHETHER OR NO YOU WANT A BITE OF HIS BANANA.

"HEY, YOU WANT A BITE

OF THIS OR NOT?

"I'M NOT ASKING A SECOND TIME.

"YOU WANT POTASSIUM

IN YOUR DIET,

"OR DO YOU WANT TO GE A FOOT CRAMP TONIGHT?

"TIME'S TICKING.

[muffled] F*** YOU."

AND THIS IS GUY WHO'S IMPOTENT,

BUT THAT DOESN'T STOP HIM

FROM TALKING REALLY DIRTY

IN THE BEDROOM.

"OH, YEAH, YOU WANT SOME

OF THIS SOGGY CHURRO, HUH?

"COME GET SOME OF THIS LIMP,

BROKEN BABY'S ARM.

LET'S SEE IF WE CAN GET THIS

WET NOODLE AL DENTE."

THAT WAS TOO MUCH PROBABLY.

YEAH. SORRY.

WAS PROBABLY TOO MUCH.

OH, THEN YOU'RE DEFINITELY NO GONNA LIKE THIS ONE.

SO THIS A GIRL THAT,

WHENEVER SHE GETS HER PERIOD,

SHE TALKS:

ABOUT IT A LOT,

BECAUSE SHE THINKS IT'S REALLY

CUTE AND FUNNY, BUT IT'S NOT.

IT'S HER PERIOD,

AND IT'S PRIVATE,

AND SHE DOESN'T NEED

TO TALK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME.

"OKAY, YOU GUYS, I HAVE TO GO

TO THE LITTLE GIRL'S ROOM.

"YEAH, A LITTLE VISI FROM AUNT FLO.

"IT'S A CRIMSON WAVE DOWN THERE,

SO SAVE ME SOME CALAMARI.

"NO MARINARA, THOUGH.

I BROUGHT MY OWN."

[explosion]

[cheers and applause]

[alarm sounding]

[gunfire]

SO THIS NEXT CHARACTER...

THIS IS A GIRL:

WHO'S IN LAS VEGAS,

AND SHE DESPERATELY WANTS

TO USE THE SLOGAN FOR LAS VEGAS,

BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW HOW OR WHY

OR WHEN TO USE IT.

"HEY, YOU GUYS, I HAVE

A BOILED EGG IN MY PANTIES.

WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS STAYS

IN VEGAS."

THIS NEXT CHARACTER,

THIS IS A COMEDIAN

WHO PROBABLY SHOULD

HAVE QUIT WHILE HE WAS AHEAD.

[cheers and applause]

THIS IS A SOUTHERN BELLE

WHO'S VERY UNATTRACTIVE,

SO WHEN SHE:

WALKS DOWN THE STREET,

SHE HAS TO WHISTLE AT HERSELF

TO GET PEOPLE'S ATTENTION.

"[whistling]

"WHY DON'T YOU TAKE A PICTURE?

IT'LL LAST LONGER.

"HERE'S A CAMERA.

"THANKS. BYE-BYE NOW.

"WHOOPS, CAUGHT YOU--

"WHOOPS, CAUGHT YOU LOOKING--

EXCUSE ME.

WHOOPS, CAUGHT YOU LOOKING."

OKAY.

THIS IS A GIRL WHO SET OU TO HAVE A FUN TIME

FOR THE EVENING BUT ENDED UP

JUST RUINING IT FOR EVERYBODY.

"YOU'RE AN INCONSIDERATE

A**HOLE."

[cheers and applause]

THIS IS A GUY WHO, WHENEVER

SOMETHING GOES RIGHT FOR HIM,

HE CELEBRATES, BUT FOR TOO LONG

AND IN THE WRONG WAY.

"HEY, DID YOU GUYS HEAR

"THE MIAMI HEA COVERED THE SPREAD?

"YEAH!

"YEAH! YEAH!

"YEAH!

YEAH!

NOTICE THE ARMS!"

THANK YOU--

[cheers and applause]

ALL RIGHT, SO JUST WANT TO TELL

YOU GUYS ONE MORE STORY.

SORRY THERE'S SO MUCH

CONFETTI ON YOU.

THIS GUY'S COVERED IN CONFETTI.

HOW OFTEN DOES THAT HAPPEN,

THOUGH?

WOULDN'T IT BE WEIRD IF YOU WERE

LIKE, "PRETTY MUCH EVERY DAY."

HE'S HAD THE WEIRDEST LIFE.

SO I WANT TO TELL

ONE LAST STORY.

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

I REALLY LIKE MAKING A FACE

WHEN I GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE

PHOTO TAKEN,

BUT IT'S ILLEGAL

IN CALIFORNIA.

YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT.

I KNOW, BECAUSE I CALLED,

AND I ASKED,

AND THEY SAID:

IF YOU MAKE A FACE,

THEN THEY HAVE:

TO RETAKE THE PHOTOGRAPH,

AND IF YOU DO IT THREE TIMES,

THEN YOU DON'T GE YOUR LICENSE FOR THE DAY.

AND I WAS REALLY BUMMED OUT,

BUT THEN I CAME UP

WITH WHAT I THINK

IS ONE OF THE BEST IDEAS

THAT I'VE EVER HAD.

WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO

IF YOU WALK INTO THE DMV

ALREADY MAKING THE FACE?

NOW, YOU GOT TO PICK A FACE

THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE

YOU'RE MAKING A FACE, BUT YOU

STILL WANT TO LOOK WEIRD,

SO THE ONE:

I WENT WITH WAS THIS ONE.

'CAUSE THERE'S PEOPLE

THAT LOOK LIKE THAT.

AND THAT'S WHAT I HELD

FOR AND HOUR AND 25 MINUTES.

THAT'S TRUE.

THIS IS TRUE.

I WENT THROUGH:

EVERY SINGLE LINE.

I DID.

I WAS LIKE, "HERE YOU GO.

[mumbling]"

I WASN'T EVEN SITTING.

I WAS JUST CROUCHING.

THEN IT CAME TIME

TO GO TO THE PHOTOGRAPHY LINE,

SO I WENT ALL THE WAY THROUGH,

AND I GAVE THEM MY STUFF.

I WAS LIKE, "HERE YOU GO."

WHICH, I DON'T KNOW WHY

I CHANGED MY VOICE.

I DIDN'T NEED TO.

I GUESS I JUST THOUGH IT MATCHED,

BUT THE GUY:

IN THE PHOTOGRAPHY LINE--

THIS IS ALL TRUE--

HE WASN'T EVEN LOOKING.

HE WAS ON THE COMPUTER, AND WHEN

HE LOOKED UP AND SAW MY FACE,

I SWEAR TO GOD,

HE WENT LIKE THIS.

HE GOES...

"[gasps]"

NOW, I REALIZE I'M THE ONE

CREATING THE MISCHIEF HERE,

BUT IF YOUR REFLEXIVE REACTION

TO A STRANGE-LOOKING INDIVIDUAL

IS...

"[gasps]"

PERHAPS DON'T WORK

IN THE PHOTOGRAPHY SECTION

OF THE DMV.

SO MY PAPERWORK:

WAS ALL IN ORDER.

ALL HE COULD SAY WAS, "OKAY,

GO STAND BEHIND THE WHITE LINE,"

AND AS I TURNED,

I BEGAN TO LAUGH,

AND I HAD TO COMPOSE MYSELF,

BECAUSE I REMEMBERED

THAT THE ONLY THING

THAT HE CAN SAY TO ME

WHEN IT CAME TIME

TO TAKE A PHOTOGRAPH

WAS "SMILE."

AND I REALIZED THAT THIS GUY...

WHEN HE SMILES,

CAN LOOK REAL WEIRD.

SO I GOT READY TO TAKE

THE PHOTOGRAPH, YOU KNOW.

I STOOD BEHIND THE WHITE LINE.

I WAS LIKE...

THE GUY'S LIKE,

"OKAY, YOU ALL SET?"

I'M LIKE, "[muffled] UH-HUH.

YEAH."

HE'S LIKE,

"OKAY...SMILE."

[mimics flash bulb popping]

THAT'S WHAT'S ON

MY CALIFORNIA DRIVER'S LICENSE.

[cheers and applause]

THANK YOU GUYS VERY MUCH.

THAT CONCLUDES THE SHOW,

BUT BEFORE I SAW GOOD-BYE,

I JUST WANT TO SAY...

HELL YEAH IT IS.

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[cheers and applause]

[upbeat hip-hop music]

- DENVER, DENVER

- CALLING FROM DENVER

- FREEDOM OF SPEECH HERE,

NO CENSURE:

BUT DON'T DISS THE CITY

OR THE THUNDERDOME YOU ENTER

TALK SH*T ABOUT HER

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