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Tabloid Page #3
of chloroform,
and I'd already seen
this phony gun they had.
I was going to be no part
of any of this,
and I told her that.
So she arrives
waits around outside
the temple of whatever it was,
Latter-Day Saints
of something or other,
waited for this huge,
shuffling figure to come out
and pointed a gun at him
and said, "Get into the car."
In the final analysis,
the one way they were able
to make contact with Kirk...
Keith called him and told him
he wanted to convert
to the Mormon religion,
and they thought they had
a new convert.
Now, I'm not sure
this is the exact scenario,
but at that point,
Keith used the gun
to get him out to the car.
So you drive up
in your rental car with K. J.
I waited, and K.J. Went in,
because they're not supposed to
be in the room alone with girls.
So K.J. Went in and said,
"Joyce is in the car."
And Kirk turned around,
and he threw the keys
to his companion and said,
"I've got to go out
in the car and get something.
I'll be right back."
So he goes out with K.J.?
Yeah, and didn't come back,
and his poor old dumb companion
is sitting there
staring like
he's catching flies,
looking out the window,
waiting for him to come back.
He got in the car, and he goes,
"How long have you been
in England?"
Like a robot.
He was almost speaking
in a monotone voice,
and he'd go, "They said
you didn't love me anymore."
It was like he had
a personality alteration,
Kirk Number 1
and Kirk Number 2.
Kirk Number 1 was the man
I fell in love with.
Kirk Number 2 was Cult Kirk.
According to all the reports
at the time,
he was driven 250 miles
to a cottage in Devon.
She had a suitcase full
of all the equipment required,
including, I gather,
some Los Angeles
Police Department
Smith & Wesson handcuffs.
And he was taken in
and chained to...
Joyce claims it was ropes,
not chains,
Anyway, he was allegedly
chained to a bed,
first by his ankle
so that he could actually
reach the toilet.
The chain was long enough
for him to get to the toilet.
Subsequently, with the help
of Keith May,
was spread-eagled...
spread-eagled...
which is this wonderful
bondage word...
was spread-eagled to the bed,
and Keith May discreetly left
the room at this point, I think,
closed the door behind him,
and Joyce had sex with him.
And she said to him
she was going to go on
having sex with him
until she found
she had missed a period
and would then hopefully
be pregnant by him.
She wanted to be inseminated?
Yes, I think that's
the polite word for it.
Kirk and I went to
this cottage down in England.
the Devon area down there.
Real Franco Zeffirelli.
You know, like Brother Sun,
Sister Moon type shots.
If you saw that film,
that's what it looked like.
Clare!
You shouldn't have come,
but I knew you would.
I knew.
I have to tell you,
and I don't care
From now on, I'm not asking
to be loved.
I want to love!
Okay, if you can get
that vision
set in your head,
Mr. Filmmaker.
How'd you find this place?
Well, I was looking
for someplace peaceful
where he could normalize,
someplace where he could
come back to Kirk Number 1.
I had a big fireplace,
patchwork quilt, silk sheets...
blue to match his eyes,
with his initials on it...
cinnamon oil back rub,
'cause he loved my back rubs,
and all his favorite foods
in the fridge.
What were his favorite foods
in the fridge?
- Oh, I had chocolate cake
and Southern-fried chicken.
He loved my chicken.
Mashed potatoes.
I made everything
that he wanted.
I was like his little,
you know, wifey almost.
We were slow-dancing.
He got turned on
as we were dancing.
I'll be blunt.
He had an erection, okay?
And we sat down on the bed,
and he said,
"Can you give me a back rub?"
And I got the cinnamon oil,
which I had warmed,
and I was giving him a back rub.
And he had these
ugly garments on, and I said,
"How am I supposed
to give you a back rub
And I ripped
the ugly things off,
because they smelled, you know,
and they had those
occultic symbols,
and I didn't want
anything ugly there
in our beautiful moment.
You know, it was like
a honeymoon cottage.
And we burned 'em.
You ripped off
his magic underwear
and burned it?
And I threw 'em
in the fireplace
where they belonged!
Where they should put 'em all,
as far as I'm concerned.
There's folk stories galore,
legends of the temple garment
protecting people from harm.
The hooks, the psychic hooks
of the temple
are so... pried in so deep
that even people
who don't go to church anymore
still wear them,
because in the back
of their mind, like...
"What if I don't wear them,
and then Satan's got me?"
Kirk was impotent.
He was sexually impotent
because of this brainwashing.
He's not supposed
to have sexual feelings.
He's not supposed
to have emotional feelings.
He's not supposed
to fall in love.
And we were in love.
I knew there was only one way
to get Kirk out of Mormonism,
and that was to make love
with him,
because for a Mormon missionary
to have a love affair
is totally taboo.
They can't be in a room
alone with a girl
without their companion
with them to even shake hands.
So if it took giving up
my virginity
in a romantic moonlit cottage,
so be it.
I just wanted him
out of that cult.
We started to make love,
and all of a sudden,
he jumps up on the bed
like this, and he goes,
"By the law of the holy prophet
Joseph Smith,
or the bodies of others
"in an unnatural,
experimental way!
By the law
of the holy prophet..."
Hold a Book of Mormon
firmly in hand.
Sing a Mormon song.
Sing a Mormon song.
Because he's turned on,
and he's not supposed to be.
And I go, "Ha."
I'd come across
an ocean to find him,
and the Mormons
are in our bedroom?
That moment, when his garments
are coming off,
that could have been
like, "Oh, my gosh."
"Oh, my heck,"
as they say in Utah.
I went back in the kitchen,
and I got myself
a real cold glass of water.
Does he still have
the erection
while he's chanting?
Well, I came back...
to be continued...
I came back in there,
and I'm thinking,
He started to cry.
He had ejaculated, I guess.
He said, "Please don't tell 'em
about the filthy place,
what happened
at the filthy place."
And I said,
"Honey, what's wrong?"
He goes, "They'll know."
I mean, every guy on the planet
masturbates and has wet dreams.
And I ask him, I said, "Honey,
don't you have those dreams
guys have
or whatever they're called?"
He goes, "Yeah, but I didn't
tell 'em in the interview."
I go, "What interview?
They talk to you
about this stuff?"
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"Tabloid" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 1 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/tabloid_19290>.
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