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Tabloid Page #4
He goes, "Yeah, once a week.
"They take us in rooms
by ourselves,
and they say, 'M1, M2, M3?
M1, M2, M3?"'
I go, "What's that?"
"Masturbation once,
masturbation twice,
"masturbation three times.
"So many times, you're out.
"You're Xed.
You're home.
"You're off your mission.
You can't get married
in the temple."
I go, "Kirk, these people
are controlling your sex drive.
"They're controlling your mind.
They're controlling your food.
You can't have coffee,
tea, or Pepsi-Cola."
There was
which I bought, which
explained sex to young virgins.
There was a section in there
on sexual impotence.
Im-po-tence.
L- M-P-O-T-E-N-C-E.
And it said sometimes if a guy
was very repressed sexually,
which poor Kirk was,
Lord knows,
that you could
tie the person up,
and they could say,
"Ah, I'll let go."
You know, "I can finally let go
and make love."
And so I went, and I read
speed-read it.
And I come back and I said,
"Honey, we're going to try
some of these exercises."
And so we did.
We made love, actually,
for three days.
We sort of, like,
didn't get out of bed.
It was the honeymoon,
was what it was for me.
I wanted us
to have a good sex life.
I wanted to be a good wife
to Kirk,
and I wanted to give him
lots of babies in my tummy.
I didn't look at sex
as a bad thing with him.
I looked at it as
a melting of two souls,
because when he kissed me,
it was like we melted
into one person.
It was like I didn't know
where I stopped and he began.
We were lying there,
holding hands,
and his little missionary
glasses were kind of askew.
And he goes, "Guess
we're married in God's eyes."
I go, "Yup, we are."
He says, "Guess we better
make it official."
He said, "Let's go into London,
and let's get married."
We took the rental car,
and we went into town,
to London,
and we saw Trafalgar Square.
They had, like, pigeons.
We fed the pigeons.
And so I said, "Oh, Kirk.
"We've got this cool cafe
we want to take you to.
It's called the Hard Rock Cafe."
And there were cops
running around everywhere.
What do they call 'em,
bobbies or whatever?
British cops.
If Kirk felt kidnapped
at any time, he could have said,
"Hey, this little pint-sized
girl here has me kidnapped.
Can you please help me,
'occifer'?"
But he didn't.
Kirk says, "Well, I'm gonna go
over across the street
and get a newspaper."
So he went over, by himself,
got a newspaper,
came back to the table,
slammed that newspaper down
on the table.
He's white as a ghost.
And we said, "What's wrong?"
It was so shocking.
was after us or something.
And I'm sitting there
with my "kidnap victim"
eating a burger
with a hundred people
in a crowded tourist restaurant.
Kirk says,
"Well, maybe if I call 'em
and let them know
I'm alive and okay."
He says, "Oh, they're
gonna ask me about sex.
"Oh, they're gonna ask me
about sex.
What am I gonna say?
They're gonna ask me about sex."
I says,
"Can't you just tell them?"
"Oh, no, I can't!
Can't tell 'em we had sex!
Oh, they'll excommunicate me.
Oh, my mother will be so mad."
We called his mother.
We called my dad.
We called from the phone booth
at Trafalgar Square.
Kirk said to my dad,
"Mr. McKinney,
I love your daughter,
And my dad said,
"Welcome to the family, son."
When we called his mother,
I could hear her screeching
across the Atlantic.
"Oh, you've ruined
your eternal progression!
"Don't you know
what you've done?
"How could you get involved
with that girl?
You've not had sex with her,
have you?"
"Yadda, yadda, yadda.
Oh, you've been kidnapped,"
and da, da, da.
And Kirk could hardly
get a word in edgewise.
He'd say, "But I'm really okay,
President Eyre."
"When the news media...
Kirk hung up, and he goes,
"You know, they've got
Scotland Yard and the FBI.
"How about if I just go back in,
and you guys stay here,
"so they can't do nothing like
arrest you guys or anything,
and I go back in
and show 'em I'm okay."
And I'll never forget that day.
It was a real Kodak moment.
Victoria Station in those days
had a beautiful
old-fashioned train
that pulled out
with one of those...
And the last thing I remember
of Kirk Number 1 is,
he got on the train,
and he mouthed the words,
"I love you."
And I go,
"I love you too, baby."
If Kirk went away
with Joyce willingly...
and had sex with her...
the guilt that would come over
him so strongly after the fact
could be overwhelming.
K.J. And I turned
and walked away,
and he goes, "Don't worry.
"He'll be okay.
He loves you.
You got the man you love.
What you worried about?"
I says, "I don't know, K.J.
Some nagging feeling.
I'm worried."
So we went back to the cottage,
and we packed everything up.
I remember
I had my wedding dress,
I was gonna use for our wedding.
Put flowers in my hair.
Also, our wedding bands
with our names engraved inside.
It said, "Joyce and Kirk.
He lift thee, and thee lift me,
and we will ascend together."
Even after we grew old
and died,
we would rise into the heavens
together as man and wife.
This bizarre story
began here last Wednesday.
Kirk Anderson,
with a Canadian accent.
He then disappeared.
But early today,
he phoned police
and told them he was kidnapped.
A blanket had been placed
over his head.
He'd been driven to a house
where he'd been blindfolded
and his legs shackled.
When I got back
to my apartment in Long Beach,
and said the Long Beach Homicide
Department had been there,
and they wanted me to come down
to the police station.
And that really freaked me out.
Why the Homicide Department,
I don't know.
I told them everything.
Then we went down,
had a cup of coffee.
Then they asked me to come back
and tell 'em again,
the same story.
They had tape recorded
the first time I said it,
and they wanted to make sure
that when I told it
a second time,
it was exactly the same story,
which it was.
I told 'em the truth.
They got kind of a big kick
out of it,
considering
they hadn't found him yet,
about the whole story.
The Manacled Mormon.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's what it boiled down to.
I was a Mormon missionary
in Exeter, okay?
This is in Devon.
And I was at
a church member's house,
and they were a younger couple.
And they sort of sat down
and told us the whole story
of Joyce McKinney
and the Manacled Mormon.
It reminds me
of those cultures
that have stories
of the vagina dentata,
the women
with the toothed vagina.
They become cautionary tales
about sexual impropriety,
the dangerous powers of women,
women that can seduce
a young missionary
who are on God's errand.
Young men, once they receive
what's called
the Melchizedek priesthood,
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"Tabloid" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 1 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/tabloid_19290>.
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