Tabloid Page #5

they are endowed with power

from on high.

They go through... we go through...

I went through

an elaborate "endowment"

through the Mormon Temples

where we received

sacred underwear

and sacred knowledge

of keys to heaven.

You reenact

the Garden of Eden scenario,

and there's an actor

that performs Lucifer.

And he says in a menacing tone,

"Those of you

who don't live up

"to the covenants that you make

"on the altar of the temple

this day

will be in my power."

And one of the covenants that

you make is the law of chastity,

that you will only have

sexual relationships

with he or she to whom you are

legally and lawfully wedded.

"Manacled Mormon Sex Slave"

wrecks that, doesn't it?

Completely wrecks that.

If Kirk Anderson was

a willing Manacled Mormon,

he will have violated

his temple covenants,

violated the law of chastity.

What he risks is excommunication

from the church,

and greater than that,

unless he repents,

he won't be able to, ultimately,

become a god

and have his own planet.

That is Mormon theology.

That's what

they're working towards.

I got this weird phone call.

I had an answering service.

It said,

"It's been really crazy here,

"but I finally got 'em

off my back.

"I still love you.

"Call me.

Urgent.

Epsom 25724.

Urgent."

So I called the number,

and some Mormon answered.

"Who is this?

What do ya want?"

Very suspicious voice.

And I said,

"I want to talk to Kirk...

I mean Elder Anderson."

So I said, "This is

Sister... Helmsley calling

regarding the baptism

for my daughter Millie."

Millie was my sheepdog,

and I knew Kirk would know that.

And I said, "Honey,

where do you want to meet?"

He says, "About 2:00."

I said, "Don't say where it is

over the phone."

He goes, "Okay."

I was worried about

an extension phone.

It went further than that.

It was a phone tap.

On my way to meet him,

I remember me and K.J.

Were going along the motorway,

and I'm singing, "I'm getting

married in the morning!"

And I'm so happy.

I'm so...

I was just like a young bride

on her honeymoon.

I was just so full

of so much love for him.

These cop cars

ran us off the road.

They just literally edged us

off the road.

And then when they threw us up

against the police car and said,

"You're under arrest

for false imprisonment

and carrying away

Kirk Anderson,"

I couldn't believe it.

It was just, like, shock.

The law was required

to take seriously an act

involving a woman with a gun,

pointing it at a priest.

Forcing him... although

this was a sort of fantasy...

forcing him into a car

and spread-eagling him to a bed

and having sex with him.

I mean, there are

so many crimes, possible crimes,

involved in all of that,

and yet someone...

everyone suspected

there wasn't really

a crime here at all.

Scenario number one

is Kirk's story:

Fake gun, chloroform, kidnapped,

tied up, forced to have sex.

The second version

is Joyce's story.

They were gonna be married.

They were gonna have children.

He needed to escape

from the Mormon Church.

She goes to rescue him.

They rush away

and have this magical,

wonderful night...

weekend together.

And then they get him.

They brainwash him,

and all of a sudden,

he's claiming rape.

The third scenario

is something in between.

There was a consensual aspect

to his getaway with her.

But then somewhere

along the line,

he had second thoughts.

And he wanted it to stop,

and it didn't.

Do you think a woman

can rape a man?

No, I think

that's like putting

a marshmallow

in a parking meter.

I don't... a guy either wants

to have sex, or he doesn't.

He has an erection,

or he doesn't.

She spent about three months

in Holloway Prison,

the famous women's prison

in London.

There was

a little sliding door

that they would slide open with

just a little slit of light.

And they would slide it open

maybe once a day and say,

"Are you ready to sign

a confession?"

I kept screaming,

"Please get Kirk!

Please get Kirk!"

I beat my fists bloody

on this cold, steel prison door

screaming,

"Please, somebody get Kirk!"

There was a picture of her

in all the papers

looking out of the back

of a police van.

She had scrawled

on a piece of paper,

which she was holding up

to press,

"Kirk was cooperative

all along."

When I went

to the prison library,

I got a Bible,

and in the back of the Bible,

there was two white pages

of blank paper,

almost like God put it there.

I wrote two letters on those

two blank pages out of my Bible:

One to my parents,

and one to the press.

I put them up inside...

I hate to sound gross,

but I put one in my vagina

and one in my rectum.

I got out in the prison van,

in the Black Mama,

and I pushed 'em out.

I grunted them out, and I popped

them out the window.

And this man saw them, and I go,

"Pick it up.

Pick it up."

And he goes like...

"Pick it up.

Mail it.

Mail it."

You know, I was trying

to motion to him,

'cause I knew he couldn't

hear me inside the prison van,

to mail it at the post office.

And he goes...

"Please, please,

please mail it."

And so he mailed it,

and of course, the next time

I go back for my bail hearing,

the whole planet was there.

I asked my lawyer.

I said, "Look, if you

can't talk, would you let me?

"'Cause I can sure talk.

Let me tell people

what happened."

So I got up there,

and I had 'em laughing.

I had 'em crying.

I had 'em throwing spitballs

at the Mormons, you know?

Thank God for all those years

of drama school.

Thank you!

Everyone was just mesmerized

by her performance.

I mean, there was no sense

of fear or shame or anything.

She just took on the court

with great confidence,

and she said,

"I loved him so much,

"I would have skied down

Mount Everest nude

with a carnation up my nose

for the love of that man."

There was standing room only.

There were little old ladies

with their shopping carts

ogling for places to stand!

The banners outside...

"Free Joyce! Free Joyce!"

These judges with their white

wigs sitting there, you know,

unable to comprehend

any of this.

And there was nothing

in the statute books

which would deal with it.

They're so prim and proper,

you know.

They wear these little

powdered wigs,

which look like

dumb little hats,

and they sit up and down

and wiggle on their heads.

One of the questions

they ask him was,

"Did you ask for a back rub?"

And he said, "Yes."

And they said,

"Was it cinnamon oil

that she rubbed on your back?"

And he goes, "Yes,"

like he had remembered,

"Well, that was nice."

They ask him, "Were you willing

or unwilling?"

And he did that like really fast

and looked at the head Mormon

right on the front row.

He jerked his head

really fast like,

"What am I supposed to say?"

And the head Mormon went like,

"You say what we told you

to say," like that.

And he goes, "I was unwilling!

I was unwilling."

"Were you unwilling

all seven times?"

"Well, I wasn't as unwilling

the third time

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes