Tag

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1

HOGAN:
Someone once said, "We don't

stop playing because we grow old.

"We grow old because

we stop playing."

When you're a kid,

you can't imagine

having any other group

of friends.

You think you're gonna be

buddies forever.

Of course, for most people,

that just doesn't happen.

But my friends and I, we

figured out a way around that.

We just never stopped playing.

And I like to think that

simple thing, playing a game

is what made me the man

I am today.

So, the man you are today

wants to be a janitor.

Yes.

Look, Dr. Malloy,

I'm looking at your resume.

It says you got a Ph.D.

in veterinary medicine

and that you actually have a

successful practice right now.

Look, there comes a time

in every man's life

where you just

gotta take stock.

Ask yourself, "What's really important?

What's on your bucket list?"

So, let me get this straight.

On your bucket list, you don't have,

like, skydiving or rock climbing

or tap dancing, maybe?

Dancing with wolves?

Which I believe

that has to be a thing.

They wouldn't have made a

movie if it wasn't, you know?

All I know is that, for me,

what I really want

is to clean the urine off

of that man's toilet seat.

Talking about the boss.

Mr. Callahan.

Yeah, he's a great man.

This is a great company.

Anything I can do to get closer

to that guy, sign me up.

Okay, look, man.

Honestly, any other situation,

I would just tell you

to get the f*** out my office,

okay?

But we do need the help,

so when can you start?

I've already begun.

What the f*** was that?

- Uh...

- I haven't even opened that yet.

Uh... I'm sorry.

I was trying to be proactive.

Today. I can start today.

- Why don't I get you another Coke?

- You do that, we good.

- Okay.

- But don't throw away no more new stuff.

You will not be disappointed.

We don't have to

shake hands, man.

- Okay. I'll be right back.

- Sure.

White people.

All right, Bob. You're the CEO

of a Fortune 800 company.

You have commanded the respect

of coworkers and vendors alike

and that is why you're being

interviewed by the big boys.

The Wall Street Journal.

- Miss Crosby.

- Oh, hi.

- Hi. Bob Callahan.

- Rebecca.

BOB:
Thank you so much for taking the time.

REBECCA:
Oh, thank you.

Should we just get

right into it?

- Yeah, let's jump right in.

- All right. Well, here's what I would love

for your readers to know

about our company.

We are young. We are dynamic.

We are fun.

Uh... So let's talk

about diabetes.

Mr. Callahan, how do you respond to

the idea that your industry uses

captive insurance to move

risk off balance sheets?

Well, great question.

Tough, but fair.

Um... I guess I would say that

what I love about Freedom Atlantic

is that we're not like

other insurance companies.

- (OBJECTS CLATTERING)

- Uh... We're big, but small.

Small.

We are, um...

You know, we're complex...

Uh... And yet...

And yet also simple.

(STAMMERING)

And we are global...

(CLATTERING CONTINUES)

- Yet local.

- That's exactly right.

Sorry, one second. Hey, could you

maybe come back at another time?

We're just right in the middle

of something. Sir?

I'm afraid not, Bob.

Jesus Christ, Hoagie!

What are you doing here?

How did you get past security?

I didn't. I work here.

You got a job at my company,

so you could try to tag me?

Come on, Bob, it's over.

You don't think I can escape

from my own conference room?

- Where are you gonna go?

- Well, guess what?

Watch now,

'cause this is happening.

(GRUNTS)

- God.

- BOB:
God dang it!

- Oh... Ouch.

- You okay?

God! Okay. You're right.

It's over.

(BOB GRUNTS)

- Yeah, I know.

- Well, you're it.

All right. It's good to see you.

Good to see you, pal.

- Good to see you.

- Have you lost weight?

Yeah, a little bit.

Hey, listen, this is serious.

Um... Jerry's quitting.

What? Bullshit!

I swear to God. End of this

season, he's retiring.

Well, okay. But I am in the middle

of an interview. So can I...

- Wall Street Journal, that's so cool!

- Oh, thank you.

No, thank you, by the way, 'cause

this was the distraction I needed.

You get Bob talking

about himself,

it is just a feedback loop.

Non-stop.

- Can we talk about this outside, please?

- Yeah.

Can we talk outside?

I'll be right back. I promise.

There's three days left

in May. That gives us 63 hours

to round up the guys,

and get him.

Great. We can talk about this

over dinner.

What? No, no, no.

We have to go now!

Don't you have bathrooms

to clean or something?

- Technically, yes, I do.

- All right, you know what?

Take this ridiculous thing off

and get to it

We'll talk about this later.

- I'll resign, Bob.

- You don't have to. You're fired.

Good.

'Cause the benefits here suck!

No, they don't.

That's true.

Benefits are really good.

Oh, hey, sorry about that.

Where were we?

- Uh... Diabetes. Yes.

- Explain.

Well, I'm not a doctor,

but there are two types.

Type one is called "Type One."

And Type Two is more

of an adult onset.

No. (STAMMERS) Him.

- What are you doing?

- Hoagie, what do you want?

You tagged me. I'm it, okay?

You're sitting there

like I didn't just tell you

we gotta deal

with this right now.

Because we got a real shot

at Jerry this year.

You say that every year.

Yeah, but this year's

different.

You say that every year.

- But this year's really different.

- You said that last year.

I know, you're right.

But this year's

actually different.

Because

we know exactly where

he's going to be and when.

"The wedding celebration of Susan

and Jerry. Saturday, May 31st."

He's a sitting duck!

We gotta join forces.

We get Jerry now,

or we die.

What?

Eventually.

You know what I mean.

Come on, Bob.

You gonna grow old,

or you gonna keep playing?

Keep playing.

That is the right answer.

- Nice to meet you.

- I'm sorry, I have to go.

No.

Hold on. Hold on.

I can't believe he's getting

married, and he didn't even tell us.

I know, I was mad

at first, too, and then hurt.

But, you know, he just realized

he'd be a sitting target.

That's insane, even for him.

Will one of you please tell me

what's going on here?

- Are we off the record?

- No, definitely not.

Awesome. Okay. Our group of

friends has been playing

the same game of tag

for 30 years.

- What?

- For the entire month of May, every year, we play tag.

Just like when we were kids.

But we're not on a playground, and

we all live in different cities.

So, well, you don't ever know

when someone's gonna pop up.

You could be shopping at the mall,

then your buddy jumps out of the trunk

and, boom, tags you.

You're it.

Here's the craziest part.

Our buddy, Jerry,

never been tagged.

What do you mean

he's never been tagged?

You never put your hand

on his body?

Not during the month of May.

For like 30 years.

Why don't you just go over

to his house, and tag him?

- It's not that easy.

- Why not?

Because... (SIGHS)

Well, for starters, because

he is so freaking fast.

You just can't catch him.

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