Talk To Me Page #8

Let me guide your career.

I'm talking stand-up,

records, TV, movies...

I want the whole world

to be a part of P-Town.

Well, I don't think

the whole world is ready

for a nigga like me.

Well I think you're wrong.

I think the world's

been waiting

for a nigga like you.

What you say?

(LAUGHING)

All right.

All right.

(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)

VERNELL:
You ladies

ever been to vote?

How you doing, young brother?

Okay, vote for Shirley

Chisholm. Shirley Chisholm

for President, 1972.

Over here, young man.

Is your mom registered?

Are you registered?

Now the judge say,

"Petey Greene,

"why you rob everybody

in the house?"

I said, "Well, your honor,

they all seemed

like such nice people,

"I didn't want anybody

to feel left out. "

And I'm looking out

amongst y'all,

and there's some good old

robbing motherfuckers

out here tonight.

Watch your purse, baby.

DEWEY:
Well, I'm looking

at the dates right now.

I got him at the Howard

Theater then the Crystal Room.

He's booked.

Well, I can get you

a time next month.

Can't wait?

Y'all see the paper

this morning, P-Town?

Say "Petey Greene goes

to the White House

and steals some silverware."

Now, come on,

that don't make no damn sense.

Imagine that,

a negro like me, ex-con,

get invited by the President

to the White House,

and I'm gonna run up in there

and take something?

Come on, y'all.

I ain't that crazy.

(CHUCKLING)

Well that's all we got.

There ain't no more.

My time is tight,

and that's the end of my show.

So grab your head

and make a fist. Listen to me

and remember this,

I tell it to the hot,

I tell it to the cold.

I tell it to the young,

I tell it to the old.

Don't want no laughing,

don't want no crying.

And most of all,

no signifying.

Tune in next week. This is

Petey Greene's Washington.

Be cool, y'all.

DEWEY:
And we're out!

MAN:
We're clear!

Great show, everybody.

Great show.

MAN:
We're good here.

We love it.

We'll pick you up

for 26 episodes.

Congratulations.

Thank you, sir.

(LAUGHING)

They loved it. They loved it.

Local, then national.

We did it, man!

What?

I know it sounds crazy,

man, but I...

I kind of miss

that little old radio station

back at Lorton, man.

And I know it wasn't nothing

but a room and a turntable

with about 58 records

in crates, but I...

Pete, you're...

You're a different man now,

okay? You're not gonna be...

You're not going to be defined

by your prison time.

Not you, Petey!

This is Petey Greene.

Oh, we got a good one

for you tonight.

My guest is the funniest man

I know besides me,

Mr. Dick Gregory.

How you doing, Dick?

My guest tonight

is Reverend Jesse Jackson.

Now what is the state

of the dream, Rev?

(INAUDIBLE)

PETEY:
You see,

I've always had a special gift

for making people angry.

"P.O.P." Pissed-Off People.

Man, sometimes I feel

like I should have

a Ph.D. In P.O.P.

And ain't that

a wonderful expression, y'all?

"Pissed off"?

As opposed to what, man?

"Pissed on"?

Speaking of which...

I gotta apologize again.

Now, I know some of y'all

heard that I lost

my mind last night.

Or as my Aunt Pig would say,

"Boy, you're crazy!"

And I was, too.

I was, I ain't lying.

See, I drank about

four gallons of Cold Duck,

and then I just walked

right up on stage

and started pissing, just...

(GRUNTING)

Didn't even bother grabbing

it, just walked and...

(GRUNTING)

Started skipping with it.

I said...

(IMITATING LAUGHING)

By the time I was through,

the stagehand was drunk.

(ALL LAUGHING)

And we had a whole row

of white folk too,

all the way across.

Real important people, now.

We talking about

the big shots, you know,

the muckety-mucks.

Not like you, sir, but...

I'm telling you,

them crackers dropped dead

right on the spot.

All of them. Looked like a row

of albino dominoes, just...

Judge say, "Mr. Petey Greene,

we charging you

with using your dick

"as a lethal weapon.

Now how do you plead?"

I said, "Your Honor!

Not guilty,

Your Honor, not guilty!

"Come on now, I don't want

no parts of this. I use my

dick to make love, not war!

"Sh*t only look lethal

to white folk. "

Good evening, Petey.

This is Petey Greene's

Washington.

DEWEY:
Okay,

let's try that again.

For what?

You said, "Good evening,

Petey Greene. This is

Petey Greene's Washington. "

No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did.

Dewey, I didn't say...

That's some stupid sh*t.

How many times

have we been doing this show?

I'm gonna say some stupid

sh*t like that? Come on, man.

Okay, my mistake.

I didn't say,

"Good evening, Petey."

That's stupid.

Okay, let's try it again.

Please.

Are you ready?

Born so.

Good evening...

Okay, let's try it again.

Let's try it again.

See what you did?

I f***ed up, is what I did!

Yep.

I gotta stop drinking.

God damn!

Maybe.

Good evening, Washington.

My guest tonight is a pimp

that I wouldn't trust

to wash my car,

but y'all done

elected him city official...

DEWEY:
Cut!

Jesus Christ, Petey!

DEWEY:
What?

(LAUGHING) Freda!

I love my job!

I love... Where's Petey?

Where's Petey, huh?

Lay it on me, now!

Lay it on me!

Right on with the right-on!

You're not gonna

believe what's happening.

You're not gonna

believe it, man.

Was it Free P*ssy Day

or something?

You are looking at the baddest

manager on the planet.

You, my man,

are doing The Tonight Show.

Next Tuesday, New York City,

live and in living color.

They had an act cancel

on The Tonight Show, baby!

You, me, Carson.

This is it, my man.

Yeah.

This is that moment that

I've been telling you about.

Yeah. Yeah!

Yeah, that's great, man. Yeah.

Yeah?

"Here's Petey!"

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

New York, New York, y'all.

Like they say.

If you make it here...

I'll be a b*tch-ass nigga.

(SCREAMING)

DEWEY:
There it is.

Dewey Hughes?

Yes, sir.

Fred De Cordova.

I know.

Glad you could make it

on such short notice.

If you called us

twenty seconds ago, sir,

we would have been here.

And you must be Petey.

Hey.

Heard a lot about you.

Johnny's looking forward

to hearing your routine.

Well, I just hope

I don't disappoint him.

Oh, you'll be fine.

Oh, that's Vernell.

Hi.

So, dry run's at 10:00,

we're live at 11:30.

(LAUGHING) Hi!

Oh, thank you.

No, no, please...

(LAUGHING) That's

very interesting.

Oh, no!

Hey.

Don't worry. Everyone does it.

Should've seen Elvis.

Really?

(CHATTERING)

MAN:
Picking up some

cable noise from boom 1.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So Bette's going to do

two songs, eh? Bette Midler?

You should see

all the food...

Would you two relax?

Carson's gonna give you

the thumbs-up,

he's gonna sit you down,

and then you

are gonna be a star.

Yeah, well, I don't know

about that, dude.

I don't know if I'm ready, is

what I'm trying to tell you.

MAN ON P. A..:
Bette Midler

to the stage, please.

Bette Midler to the stage.

You're ready.

And in exactly 30 minutes,

this whole country is gonna

know what I already know.

That Petey Greene is

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