Talk To Me Page #9

the baddest comic in America.

Just keep it real,

like you do,

you'll be fine.

Excuse me.

MAN:
Yes, sir?

Where's the green room?

Oh, sure thing, sir.

Just follow me.

It's only New York, baby.

Just a suburb of P-Town.

Relax!

Over here, to your left.

Thank you.

Dewey!

Yeah?

You have to get him

out of this, man.

What? Are you nuts?

Listen to me, Dewey.

I know that man.

Hell, you know that man.

And I know you saw that look.

I didn't see sh*t.

I saw nerves.

Dewey, baby. I know

how important this is to you.

He does, too! That's the

only reason why he's here!

To me? It has nothing to do

with me. Bullshit, Vernell.

Bullshit! I mean, Cosby,

Gregory, Pryor, they've

all been on that stage.

What comic in the world

doesn't want to be

on The Tonight Show?

You see, he ain't a comic.

He ain't a comic, he ain't

a television personality,

he ain't a civic leader!

He's just a regular-ass

nigga from DC who...

He's just a regular-ass nigga

from DC who likes

to run his mouth.

And for some reason,

people respond!

Vernell?

Vernell, you're wrong, okay?

Look where we are.

Look where we are.

He doesn't want

to be here, Dewey.

I can see it in his eyes.

Just keep an eye on him.

Make sure he doesn't leave

that room. Okay?

Petey?

Oh, no! No, Petey.

(THE TONIGHT SHOW

THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

McMAHON:
From New York,

The Tonight Show

Starring Johnny Carson.

This is Ed McMahon,

along with Doc Severinsen

and the NBC Orchestra,

inviting you to join

Johnny and his guests,

Gig Young, Joe Garagiola,

Bette Midler,

Los Indios Tabajaras,

and comedian Petey Greene.

And now, here's Johnny!

Make sure you're watching him.

We'll be right on

after Bette Midler.

Yeah. He's gonna be

the greatest thing

to ever hit The Tonight Show.

CARSON:
Hi, I'm Johnny,

and if you have

a few hours a week,

you could be a Big Brother

to somebody like me.

Move.

Did you see him?

Did he come out?

MAN:
No, sir.

Petey? Petey!

Thank you!

You're hot! You're hot!

You know, I said it before

when you were first

on the show, and I mean it.

I said, "You are going

to be someone to contend with.

"You're going to be a big star

in this business,

"because you are unique,

and you're different. "

Hey, man.

F***! Petey,

where have you been?

I'm here, ain't I?

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

CARSON:
All righty,

we're back.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

from Washington, DC,

Petey Greene.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Y'all gonna have to forgive me

if I'm a little nervous,

I just ain't never been

in front of this many

white folk before.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

I know my manager, Dewey,

is backstage right now

about to have a heart attack,

saying, "Oh Lord, please don't

let this fool go out here

and say something crazy."

But he knows

I always speak the truth.

Yeah.

Well, the truth is,

I'm just an ex-con, y'all.

And the people that live

in the world that I come from,

well, most of them

can't even afford TVs.

They listen to me

on the radio, and they do that

because I keeps it real.

When they out there laughing,

I know they laughing

with me, not at me.

But I look out here at y'all,

and all I see a room full

of white folk waiting to hear

some n*gger jokes.

I ain't got nothing

to say to you people.

Y'all ain't ready for P-Town.

Sorry, Johnny.

I was being real, Dewey.

You motherf***er!

VERNELL:
No! Dewey!

F*** you, man! F*** you!

(GRUNTING)

What the f*** you doing?

F*** you, man!

F*** you!

PETEY:
You know,

as far as jails go,

this one ain't too bad.

Dewey, man, I'm sorry, man.

Get the f***

away from me, man.

Look here. I ain't never

asked for this sh*t.

All I ever wanted to do was

my little thing on the radio.

All this other sh*t, this

Tonight Show, come on, man.

That ain't me.

I tried to tell you that.

The whole

f***ing world

was yours.

I could've

taken you right to the top.

But you just f***ed it up.

You're nothing but a con.

That's all you'll ever be,

just like Milo.

Just another no-good,

low-life

con.

I ain't your brother, man.

I also ain't the one

got us thrown in here tonight.

That was you.

So if I'm a con,

baby, you a con, too.

You two. You got bailed.

Quit trying to change me,

Dewey.

Hey, baby, let's just go home.

Carnac is attempting to

divine an answer while you're

sitting here, giggling.

May I have silence, please?

Yes. You've had it

many times before.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(TV SWITCHES OFF)

What the f***?

(WATER RUNNING)

You don't need Petey Greene.

You've got your own voice.

You've been on leave

for months, and our ratings

are in the toilet.

But you want to came back now

and take a shot as a DJ?

Morning, DC, this is

Dewey Hughes, with a morning

jam for your traffic jam.

Or if you're one of a whole

lot of folks that can't

afford to fill your tank,

or don't even have a car

to put that jacked-up gas in,

give me a call.

I'm here for all y'all.

So whether you're in your car,

at work, at home,

or pissed off at the pump,

pump up the volume

and give me a shout!

The woman said, "Listen,

"if you think I'm gonna gargle

with that sh*t after she's

through washing her ass,

"you out of your mind."

Congratulations.

ON RADIO:
Well, DC,

it's Sunny Jim...

...Sounds of Soul.

I mentioned Oliver North...

If you want to let it out,

you give me a shout.

CATHY ON RADIO:
R&B hits

from the '70s and '80s.

This is The Cathy Show...

DEWEY ON RADIO:

Good morning, DC, this is WOL.

I'm Dewey Hughes, rocking

you to work this morning,

so take your hand off the horn

and turn up the volume,

'cause at WOL,

we love music.

Talk to me, Ralph!

PETEY:
Wake up, God damn it.

That's right, DC.

Ralph Waldo "Petey" Greene

is back on the scene.

Morning, everybody.

Hey, congratulations

on your show, there, Dewey.

Man, I gotta tell you,

I never would've believed it,

but you turned out to be

one hell of a DJ, man.

What you in the mood for,

Petey?

Why don't you play me

some of that old Sly Stone?

If You Want Me To Stay.

(PHONE HANGS UP)

Hung up.

It's all right.

(FUNK MUSIC PLAYING)

What's your job, man?

What's your job, man?

I'm sorry, man.

Screen the calls!

Shut up! Screen the calls!

God.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

One minute.

How much is it?

Priceless,

but the pizza's on me.

I ran into

the delivery guy in the hall.

Nice!

So I hear you're

the man up in here now.

Cathy Show was a hit.

I bought the station.

Congratulations.

Is that enough milk?

Oh, that's fine, honey.

To your success.

Aren't you gonna

ask me how he is?

How is he?

Come on, Dewey.

He helped you build this

place. You can say his name.

How's Petey?

Well, you know,

all those years

of hard living'll catch up

to you one day.

His time is tight.

He misses you.

(CHATTERING)

You see this show?

My whole f***ing life

is this show.

I learned to walk,

talk and dress

watching The Tonight Show.

I can tell.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

It showed me that there was

a world far away from

the Anacostia projects.

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