Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby Page #2

-Hey, Dale.

-Hey, can I get your autograph?

-Sure. Who do I make this out to?

-It's for me. I think you're awesome.

-Don't tell the other drivers.

-I'm not gonna tell anyone.

I'll see you out there.

Absolutely, ma'am,

I'd love to sign your baby.

You're not gonna wanna wash

that forehead.

-That's right, Powerade's number one.

-Not just for hydration, for vitamin.

No, it's me,

it's me, Susan, your assistant.

Gotta watch it when I get into

autograph mode.

I know, I'm sorry. It's my fault,

I shouldn't have been standing.

I'm Ricky Bobby.

Christmas is right around the corner...

...and what better gift

to give a loved one...

...than the Jackhawk 9000?

Available at Wal-Mart.

When you work on

your mysterious lady-part stuff...

...you should have the right tools too.

So that's why you should use...

...Maypax, the officiaI tampon

of NASCAR.

I'm Ricky Bobby.

lf you don't chew Big Red,

then f you.

Prune candy.

-You happy?

-I'm very happy.

-Hey, I'm Ricky Bobby.

-And I'm CaI Naughton Jr.

Urging you never to travel

to Tijuana.

Ricky! Ricky! Ricky!

Okay, I'm starting to get sick.

Dick Berggren in Las Vegas,

Victory Lane, for Fox Television.

Ricky Bobby, today's big winner.

Heck of a win for you today...

...but it seems as if you either win

or crash the car trying to win.

Well, Dick, here's the deal.

I'm the best there is, plain and simple.

I mean, I wake up in the morning

and I piss excellence.

And nobody can hang with my stuff.

You know, I'm just a big, hairy,

American winning machine.

lf you ain't first, you're last.

You know what I'm talking about?

That phrase is trademarked...

...not to be used without permission

of Ricky Bobby lnc.

Supper's ready! Come on, y'all!

I've been slaving over this for hours!

Dear Lord baby Jesus...

...or as our brothers

to the south call you, Jesus...

...we thank you so much for this

bountifuI harvest of Domino's, KFC...

...and the always delicious Taco Bell.

I just want to take time to say

thank you for my family...

...my two beautiful, beautiful,

handsome, striking sons...

...Walker and Texas Ranger...

...or T.R., as we call him...

...and of course,

my red-hot smoking wife, Carley...

...who is a stone-cold fox.

Who if you were to rate her ass

on 1 00, it would easily be a 94.

Also wanna thank you for

my best friend, CaI Naughton Jr...

...who's got my back

no matter what.

Shake and Bake.

Dear Lord baby Jesus, we also

thank you for my wife's father, Chip.

We hope that you can use

your baby Jesus powers...

...to heaI him and his horrible leg.

And it smells terrible and

the dogs are always bothering with it.

Dear tiny infant Jesus, we--

Hey, you know, sweetie...

...Jesus did grow up.

You don't always have to

call him ''baby.''

It's odd and off-putting

to pray to a baby.

Well, I like the Christmas Jesus best

and I'm saying grace.

When you say grace, say it to

grownup Jesus, teenage Jesus...

...bearded Jesus,

whoever you want.

You know what I want?

I want you to do this grace good,

so that God will let us win tomorrow.

Dear tiny Jesus...

...in your golden-fleece diapers,

with your tiny, little, fat, balled-up fists...

-...pawing at the air....

-He was a man. He had a beard.

Look, I like the baby version the best,

do you hear me?

I win the races and I get the money.

Ricky, finish the damn grace.

I like to picture Jesus

in a tuxedo T-shirt...

...because it says, like,

''I wanna be formal...

-Right.

-...but I'm here to party too.''

Because I like to party,

so I like my Jesus to party.

I like to picture Jesus as a ninja

fighting off eviI samurai.

I like to think of Jesus,

like, with giant eagle's wings.

And singing lead vocals

for Lynyrd Skynyrd...

...with, like, a angel band.

And I'm in the front row,

and I'm hammered drunk.

Hey, Cal?

Why don't you just shut up?

-Yes, ma'am.

-Okay.

Dear 8-pound, 6-ounce,

newborn infant Jesus...

...don't even know a word yet...

...just a little infant and so cuddly,

but still omnipotent...

...we just thank you for all the races

I've won and the 2 1 .2 million dollars--

Love that money!

--that I have accrued

over this past season.

Also, due to a binding

endorsement contract...

...that stipulates I mention

Powerade at each grace...

...I just wanna say that

Powerade is delicious...

...and it cools you off

on a hot summer day.

And we look forward to Powerade's

release of Mystic Mountain Blueberry.

Thank you for all your power

and your grace, dear baby God. Amen.

-Amen.

-Amen.

Let's dig in!

That was a hell of a grace, man.

You nailed that like a split hog!

I'm not gonna lie to you, it felt good.

Dad, you made that grace your b*tch.

Hey, boys, I wanna see

some napkins in the lap.

Boys, how was schooI today?

I threw a bunch of Grandpa Chip's

war medals off the bridge.

Sounds like a good day.

Texas Ranger, how about you?

Well, the teacher asked me what

was the capitaI of North Carolina.

I said, ''Washington, D.C.''

-Bingo.

-Nice.

She said, ''No, you're wrong.''

I said, ''You got a lumpy butt.''

She got mad at me and yelled at me

and I pissed in my pants.

And I never did change

my pee pants all day.

I'm still sitting in my dirty pee pants.

I wet my bed untiI I was 1 9.

There's no shame in that.

I get emotionaI because

you guys are working so hard.

I'm just so proud of you.

You remind me of me...

...precocious and full of wonderment.

Tell you what, Ricky,

you are truly blessed.

-These two are two in a million.

-I am.

Just like Carley's tatas.

You won't find another rack like that,

I guarantee.

Thank you, Cal.

That's reaI sweet of you, Cal.

That's reaI nice. That's one of

the nicest things you've ever said.

-Well, I mean it.

-Stop, you're gonna make me cry.

lt comes from my heart, that's why.

I can't hold my tongue.

These kids are my grandchildren,

and you are raising them wrong.

They are terrible boys.

Shut up, Chip,

or I'll go ape-sh*t on your ass!

I'm gonna scissor-kick you

in the back of the head.

-Yeah!

-Yeah. Turn up the heat.

Go on and get some, boys.

I'm 1 0 years old,

but I'll beat your ass.

Chip, I'm gonna come at you

like a spider monkey.

Like a spider monkey! Go on.

Chip, you brought this on.

The greatest generation, my ass.

Tom Brokaw is a punk.

What is wrong with you?

Chip, I'm all jacked up

on Mountain Dew.

I love that.

I sure as hell am, Chip.

I love the way they're talking to you.

They're winners.

Winners get to do what they want.

Hell, you're just a bag of bones.

Only thing you ever done with your life

is make a hot daughter.

That's it. That is it!

We wanted us some wussies...

...we would've named them Dr. Quinn

and Medicine Woman, okay?

I work too hard for your bull, Chip.

Come here.

You make me hot. Come here.

Everyone just keep eating.

-It's on.

-Come here. Come here.

All right.

I'll hold your hair.

-Hey, Stephen.

-Hey, Ricky.

Got those two tickets

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