Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby Page #3

for my speciaI friend?

Yeah, sure do. You know I do, Ricky.

Got them right here, buddy.

Great. Hey,

how's your mama's hip?

She's gonna be all right,

thank you for asking.

-Appreciate it. Hey, good luck today.

-Thanks.

That's the saddest thing

I've ever seen in my life.

That boy leaves two tickets

for his daddy at every race...

...and he never shows up.

That's a shame.

The human heart is such a mystery.

-Let's sell these b*tches, huh?

-Hell, yeah.

-Beer money, huh?

-There you go. Yes.

As the laps wind down,

Jamie McMurray is the leader.

CaI Naughton in second.

Ricky Bobby in third.

What's up, Cal? You ready

for a little Shake-and-Bake-age?

-Hey, buddy.

-Naughton Jr. is letting Ricky Bobby...

...draft up to him to make

that slingshot move past McMurray.

Can you believe that he would do that

for his teammate?

Set him up that way?

Slingshot, engage.

And there goes Ricky Bobby

on the outside!

That's how we do it.

Makes his move.

Naughton's giving him plenty of room.

What in the hell is he doing, guys?

Get him off of me.

They touch! They spin!

Snap!

Come on, man!

See you, wouldn't wanna be you.

Look at that! Ricky Bobby's gonna

try to win the race in reverse.

Man, he wants this win bad!

Ricky Bobby wins it in reverse!

Unbelievable!

I love that! That is cool!

Jamie, losing's never fun, but here's

something to pick your spirits up.

It's reaI nice.

I got it at Target. It's on sale.

Yeah!

-That's it. Another one. Another one.

-All right, man. We did it!

I don't wanna be raining on

your parade, but I gotta tell you...

...that was some of the dumbest driving

I have ever seen in my life.

-Thank you.

-And I know you won the race...

...but you're not gonna live forever.

I'm not stupid, Lucius.

No one lives forever. No one.

But with advances in modern science

and my high level of income...

...I mean, it's not crazy to think

I can't live to be 2 45, maybe 300.

I just read in the newspaper they

put a pig heart in some Russian guy.

Know what--? I mean,

do you know what that means?

No, I don't know what that means.

I guess, longer life.

-Well, no, he didn't live.

-He didn't live?

No. It's just exciting

that we're trying things like that.

-Ricky?

-Hey, Mr. Dennit.

-Cheers.

-Yeah.

-She already wasted?

-Celebrating.

She's celebrating.

You feel pretty good today, huh?

Look, Ricky,

early word out of NASCAR...

...is your little obscene gesture's

gonna cost you 1 00 points.

You know how much that costs us

in sponsorship dollars?

With all due respect, Mr. Dennit...

...I had no idea you had experimental

surgery to have your balls removed.

What did you say?

What was that?

Well, what?

I said, ''With all due respect.''

That doesn't mean you get to say

whatever you wanna say to me.

-lt sure as heck does.

-No, it doesn't.

It's in the Geneva Convention.

Look it up.

I remember your daddy

used to love it.

-This is not my dad-- This is my team--

-Used to love it when I used to win.

Now, I suggest you and your wife,

Mrs. Jim Beam...

...you guys go take a chill pill.

Enjoy the win!

-Come on, man!

-Yeah, Ricky. Okay.

Baby, photo op, photo op.

Come on.

Come on, number one.

Hold my hand, baby.

I'll tell you what, though, guys,

that was a hell of a race today.

-Shake and Bake in full effect.

-It's always been like that.

Me and Ricky,

since we were little kids, man.

We go together like Chinese food

and chocolate pudding. Let's face it.

Yeah, but those are two things

that don't really go together.

We go together

like cocaine and waffles.

No, like, for instance,

if I say peanut butter and....

-Ladies, right?

-Yep.

-No, jelly.

-Am I right?

-Jelly?

-You like to put jelly on a lady?

I'm gonna settle this thing.

Let's just get ourselves...

...a whole mess of cocktails,

get drunk and work this thing out.

-Work this thing out.

-That's right.

So I was talking to Nana on Saturday,

and her birthday's coming up...

...but I don't know what to get her.

She's gonna be 88.

Get her a coffin.

Hey, Cal, I'm sorry

about wrecking you today.

-I mean, but that was for the team.

-No, that's cool. That's cool, I know.

I was thinking, though, one time...

...it would be really awesome if, like,

you could slingshot me in for a win.

Yeah, but-- Okay, but if you won...

-...how am I gonna win?

-Yeah.

-Think about it.

-No, I was thinking about it.

I mean, it's not like

you're finishing 1 8th.

-There's nothing wrong with silver.

-Nothing wrong with silver at all.

I'm just kidding you, man.

I don't wanna win.

I'll just bury it down inside.

Bury it deep down in there,

and never bring it up again.

It's painful, and I love you!

Get her a gigolo.

-What?

-A guy to have sex with her.

No, she's gonna be 88 and....

You don't stop liking sex

when you're old.

Well, I was thinking

more along the line of....

-Like, she likes afghans and quilts.

-She's probably got a million of those.

How many dudes does she have

coming over to have sex with her?

-None.

-Exactly.

Be thoughtful, Glenn.

Don't stop.

What is that?

Someone made a tape of

something dying or something.

Hey, turn that crap off.

What's going on?

I want this music out of my head.

Hey, turn that off!

Turn that off right now!

Why did you stop the jazz music?

Was it not pleasant for you?

No one plays jazz here

at The Pit Stop, okay?

So why is the song on the jukebox?

We keep it on there

for profiling purposes.

We also got

the Pet Shop Boys and Seal.

My name is Jean Girard...

...and I am a racing-car driver

just like you...

...except I am from Formula Un.

I am the greatest one

in the whole world.

I have been following your career

with great interest, Monsieur Bobby.

I can't understand a word

you've said the whole time.

Did you eat peanut butter

or something?

You sound like a dog with peanut butter

on the roof of your mouth.

I think what you are hearing

is my accent.

I am French.

You say you're French?

We? No, we are not French.

We're American,

because you're in America, okay?

Greatest country on the planet.

Well, what have you

given the world...

...apart from George Bush, Cheerios,

and the ThighMaster?

-Chinese food?

-Chinese food.

That's from China.

-Pizza.

-ltaly.

-Chimichanga.

-Mexican.

Really, smarty-pants?

What did French land give us?

We invented democracy,

existentialism...

...and the blowj*b.

-Those are three pretty good things.

-Hey.

Well, that last one's pretty cool.

You know, the 69 with

the head near the-- That bit.

We came up with it.

We created the missionary position.

-You're welcome.

-Ricky Bobby...

...I have come here to defeat you.

Oh, well, there's strikes two and three

right there.

Did you hear what he just said?

Well, welcome to America, amigo.

You are fast, Ricky Bobby...

...but I am faster.

All right, you let go of me,

you Formula One jazz nutjob!

Like the frightened baby chipmunk...

...you are scared by anything

that is different.

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