Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby Page #4

I will let you go, Ricky...

...but first I want you to say:

''I love crepes.''

Don't you say it, Ricky.

These colors don't run.

-I'm not gonna say it.

-Good.

Hey, look, Frenchy,

I thought about it.

So why don't you go ahead

and break my arm?

I do not want to break your arm,

Monsieur Bobby...

...but I am a man of my word.

Here's the deal.

He's not gonna break it...

...because I'm gonna slip

out of it right now. Houdini.

Get down, you little pancake.

Someone get me a beer

while I'm here.

But you have forced me to do this.

You are now mocking me

and making me look ridiculous.

Just say, ''I love crepes.''

You know, just to put this in there, I had

a whole mess of crepes this morning.

They're like pancakes,

maybe even better.

-Are they the really thin pancakes?

-Yeah.

They are the really thin pancakes.

It's just a French word for them.

-My God, I love those.

-Put any syrups you want on them.

-I'm saying, think about it.

-They come with cheese sometimes?

Yes, of course,

a fromage-crepe.

Well, why didn't someone

yell that right away?

You know what's in

the crepe suzette?

-Oh, I love the crepe suzette.

-With the sugar...

-...and lemon juice, Grand Marnier.

-Sugar and lemon juice.

I wish I could crawI into

one of those right now.

-I'd eat my way out from the inside.

-They are tasty.

Either way this goes, could we

get some after we're done?

-Absolutely. We're gonna do that.

-So, what if you just said:

''I love really thin pancakes''?

That is a fair compromise, no?

-That is a fair compromise.

-Very fair, actually.

No! Because then everyone

would know I really meant crepes.

That's a pretty good compromise.

Why do you want me

to break your arm so badly?

You don't understand

because you don't understand liberty.

You don't understand freedom.

So you put a crack in my arm

like the crack in the Liberty Bell.

Hey. This is just

between you and me, okay?

I mean, forget all these other guys.

But he did give you a pretty

decent out. But it's your call.

What do you think?

-Don't say it.

-Yeah. I'm not gonna say it.

Break it, Pepe Le Pew.

As you wish.

-He actually did it!

-All right. You did it. Back off.

-I didn't say it!

-No, you did not.

Your injury is one

of ignorance and pride.

Hold it right there,

Mr. Fancy Pants Foreigner.

You just broke my bro's arm.

Now you're about to get Tasered.

-Say hello to Dr. Watts.

-Get him, Cal.

I need you all to step away...

...from my driver.

The hell you talking about, ''my driver''?

What are you doing with a gun?

Don't you worry about my gun, Ricky.

Jean Girard is my new boy

at Dennit Racing. He's here to win us...

...an overall-points championship,

something you apparently...

...have no interest in.

He's gonna usher in a new era.

Mr. Dennit, with all due respect--

And remember,

I'm saying, ''with all due respect.''

--that idea ain't worth a velvet painting

of a whale and a dolphin getting it on.

That's good. That's good fun.

That's good fun, Ricky...

...but that doesn't bother me anymore

because Jean is the future...

...Ricky, the past.

So, Jean, introduce me

to your new teammates.

Everybody,

this is my husband, Gregory.

What?

See you at the track.

Did he just say ''husband''?

Sweet Lord. Dennit hired a gay

Frenchman as your teammate.

The room's starting to spin reaI fast.

Because of gayness.

-Cal, I love you.

-Ricky? Ricky! Oh, God!

Fans and NASCAR, everyone is talking

about this new driver, Jean Girard.

Let's find out a little bit more about him

from our reporter, Davey Wesling.

Talented. Eccentric. Dominating.

These are the words

that define Jean Girard.

Before each race, Jean Girard spends

time with his world-class horses...

...who are also gay.

Jean's days are filled

with sun-drenched walks...

...with his beloved husband, Gregory.

Though Gregory is

no stay-at-home spouse.

He's a world-class trainer

of German shepherds.

Rolfe, the Nazi boyfriend.

Up on top!

Very nice. Very nice.

Only time will tell if Jean's foray

into NAS CAR...

...will end up in Victory Lane.

Well, kiss my ass on Sunday.

-Lucius, what the hell is going on?

-The man can drive.

And check out his crew chief

over there.

Won the Nobel Prize

for physics back in '93.

Ladies and gentlemen,

that is a new track record.

As it stands now, Jean Girard is sitting

on the pole, which is, of course...

...a statement of fact

and in no way a comment...

...on the driver's sexuaI orientation.

Put a smile on your face?

That's the future of Dennit Racing.

-That make you happy?

-I'm just thrilled, Mr. Dennit.

I love seeing some French guy

break my record...

...while I got my arm wrapped up

like a fricking gordita.

Hello, Ricky Bobby.

What happened last week was

very regrettable and unfortunate...

...and, as a gesture, I would like to...

...sign your cast, please.

Hell, you know what,

get my car off the trailer, guys.

Baby! That's my baby!

Hold on, Ricky. Ricky, Ricky, Rick.

What are you talking about?

Look. I wanna drive. My arm's fine.

So let's get the car off the trailer.

Don't look at me.

Get it off the trailer!

Even with a healthy arm, you don't

have a chance against Jean Girard.

All right, fellas. You heard the man.

Get the car off. Let's go.

You guys heard it.

-What's going on?

-Soon you will know what it is like...

...to be defeated by the hands of

somebody who is truly better than you.

As William Blake wrote,

''The cut worm forgives the plow.''

Well, let me just quote the late,

great Colonel Sanders...

...who said,

''I'm too drunk to taste this chicken.''

What's that got to do with this?

I got a message for all of them.

Ready? Shake and Bake!

What does that do? Does that

blow your mind? That just happened!

What is that, a catch phrase

or is that epilepsy?

-Shake and Bake. Shake and Bake.

-What?

Listen, you better be carefuI because

tomorrow you're going to get beaten.

Beaten reaI bad, cowboy.

-Really?

-Yes!

-I don't want to know.

-That's news to me.

-Tomorrow you'll be in trouble.

-I'll rip you a new one.

There's going to be a croissant

I'm going to take away.

I play for keeps!

I give you one option,

Monsieur Bobby.

As a sign of humility,

if you kiss me on the lips now...

...I will return to Paris and you will

never see me again in NASCAR.

The answer is never!

-I close my--

-Do you hear me? Never ever!

-Well, yes or no?

-That's sick.

Let me tell you, hold on.

Shake and Bake.

Yeah!

What does that mean?

lt makes no sense!

This ''Shake and Bake,''

it's nonsense.

-Hey, baby. You guys are so smooth.

-Thanks, darling.

Cal, you could say that 1 0,000 times

and it still wouldn't be enough.

-lt fires me up.

-I love it. Say it one more time.

-Shake and Bake!

-Doesn't that feel good?

Yeah! lt rhymes,

they're both verbs. It's awesome.

NAS CAR on Fox welcomes you

to Lowe's Motor Speedway...

...where tonight we'll go 500 miles.

The big stories tonight

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