Talladega Nights: The Ballad Of Ricky Bobby Page #5

are at both ends of the grid.

Up front, Larry, the surprising French

Formula One driver, Jean Girard.

And at the opposite end of the grid,

Darrell, Ricky Bobby.

I saw Ricky Bobby last night walking

around with a cast on his arm.

Now, I don't know who he conned

into letting him start this race.

Just keep a camera on him

all night long.

I am so excited.

This is a new era

for Dennit Racing, huh?

So serious all the time

about your big race team.

-Who cares?

-But this is my life. This is my life.

You know what? There's only one

good thing about coming to the races...

...and that is

the vibrations from the cars.

Oh, I love when them cars whiz by.

Can feel the motor...

...running up my legs.

Ricky Bobby, who never met

a sponsor he wouldn't push...

...has a Fig Newton sticker

on his windshield.

Think NAS CAR will

black-flag him for that.

He sold the windshield!

This sticker is dangerous and

inconvenient, but I love Fig Newtons.

Ricky Bobby started this race

in the back...

...but he's making no friends

on the way to the front.

I'm all about getting to the front tonight,

Lucius. Let's go! Let's move it!

Well, he's driving

like a man possessed.

I'm not even sure he realizes how

much damage he's doing to his car.

Hey, Ricky. You know you're driving

like a pissed-off teenager, okay?

Where is that Frenchy?

I got you, Pepe Le B*tch.

Oh, Ricky Bobby.

Hey, it's me, America.

Yeah, I'm here.

You have spilled my macchiato.

Look at Girard in the 55.

He's made that car three lanes wide,

but he's still fast.

No, no, no, my friend.

This way also closed. Not this way.

Lucius, what's he doing?

He's everywhere at once.

Guy's dangerous, Ricky.

He's like a cobra. Back off!

Where's Cal?

I need a little support here!

Tell Ricky I'm on my way.

Damn it!

Hey, Ricky, listen.

CaI blew out his engine.

You have no backup. Back off!

I ain't backing off.

I'm Ricky Bobby, I'm the best there is.

He's too good, Ricky. Lay off!

Bobby's boxed in.

There's nowhere to go there.

He's gonna try the outside move again.

I don't know if it's gonna work.

Come on, Daddy!

Come on, Daddy! Whoop his butt!

Send that weird man

back to lndonesia.

-Come on!

-Bobby moves to the outside.

Not a lot of room. He's in the wall!

Bobby is sliding,

slamming into the wall.

He's airborne!

Yep. I'm flying through the air.

This is not good.

-Ricky!

-Cool!

Ricky!

Peaches and cream!

The car comes to rest

in a big cloud of smoke.

Ricky Bobby appears to be okay...

...but that Wonder Bread car is toast.

Fantastic.

Oh, my God! Ricky!

Hakuna matata, b*tches.

It's okay, guys, it's just a wreck.

Ricky can handle it.

Now, that's one of the nastiest wrecks

you'll ever see.

Oh, no, no, no.

It's all right. You're safe.

-You're safe.

-We got you. We're here.

I'm on fire.

It's all right.

It's all right, you're not on fire!

-You're lying! I'm on fire!

-There is no fire.

-I'm on fire. I don't wanna die.

-Come back here.

But something looks wrong. I mean,

he's running around like he's on fire.

Oh, my God! Help me!

I don't wanna die! Stop, drop, and roll!

-You're not on fire, Ricky Bobby!

-I'm on fire!

You're not on fire.

But I'm not even sure he even knows

where he's at right now.

This makes us all realize the kind

of pressure these drivers are under.

Mr. Bobby, come on down here.

Help me, Jesus!

Help me, Jewish God!

Help me, Allah!

Help me, Tom Cruise!

But how did he get down

to his underwear that fast?

Tom Cruise, use your witchcraft on me

to get the fire off me!

Look. Here, help's coming.

-Wait a minute!

-It's CaI Naughton.

Oh, God! Please don't let

the invisible fire burn my friend!

I got you!

I got you, man! I'll help you!

He's jumping on Ricky, trying

to put the nonexistent fire out.

Now, that's a teammate right there.

This is going downhill fast.

lt would be a great time

to go to commerciaI break.

Help me, Oprah Winfrey!

You know, Larry, there's good days

in racing, and there's bad days.

Ricky Bobby just had himself

a bad day.

He's suffering from catatonic shock.

His injuries are minor, but right now he

can't deaI with the trauma of the wreck.

Golly, this is a hard decision.

But I have thought about it,

and I want the plug pulled.

Yeah.

Ma'am, your husband's not dying.

He's just taking a nap.

-Just look at him.

-No, I'm not lying.

I've never seen him

make that noise. Ever.

Got more plugs in him

than a Circuit City.

Oh, baby.

Mama loves you so much.

Hey, Ricky. It's me, Cal.

Just want you to know,

I got your back, bro. No matter what.

There's something

I want to get off my chest...

...and it's about that summer when

you went away to community college.

I got a offer to do PlaygirI magazine...

...and I did it.

I did a full spread

for PlaygirI magazine.

I mean spread, man.

I pulled my butt apart and stuff...

...and I was totally nude,

and it was weird.

You probably didn't hear about it...

...because I went under the name

of Mike Honcho.

But I just wanted you to know that.

lf you could hear me,

if it got into your brain somehow...

...that I spread my butt cheeks

as Mike Honcho.

''Are you there, God?

It's me, Margaret.

Gretchen, my friend, got her period.

I'm so jealous, God.

I hate myself for being so jealous,

but I am.

I wish you'd help me just a little.

Nancy's sure she's going to

get it soon too. And if I'm last....''

Hey, Ricky. Ricky!

Come on, man, wake up.

Are you faking it?

Are you faking it? Fake it!

I don't know how much longer

I can take seeing you like this.

I am not gonna let you die here...

...like some kind of vegetable.

I'm gonna put an end to this

right now.

Get all this crap off you.

You don't need any of this crap.

This is it. This is how it ends.

This is how Shake and Bake ends.

It's shadow time, buddy.

It's time to go home to Jesus.

Goodbye, buddy.

Oh, wow, you definitely--

You definitely

still got some fight in you.

Okay, maybe we give this

another day.

Middle. I'll go up to the middle.

Let's play some defense!

I just wanna say thanks, doc,

for taking care of our boy here.

-Oh, sh*t.

-That's a foul! That's a foul!

Doc, give it to me straight.

ls he ever gonna be able

to walk again?

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought someone

had told you. He's fine.

He found that wheelchair

in the hallway.

His paralysis is

entirely psychosomatic.

But we all need to go along with this,

because he's in a delicate state.

So when you say psychosomatic,

you mean, like...

...he could start a fire

with his thoughts?

No, not at all.

lt means it's all in his mind.

I'm saying, sometimes you get a knock

on the head, you get speciaI powers.

lt happens all the time.

Read a comic book, okay?

Everyone's reaI friendly.

lt doesn't hurt being Ricky Bobby.

I'm not gonna lie to you.

So how's the physicaI therapy going?

Oh, I gave that up.

Yeah, I gave that up...

...after maybe the first day.

Within the first hour, I gave that up.

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