Tango & Cash Page #2

TANGO:
We're cops!

Wait! We're on the same team!

Just read this, damn it!

I'm going to blow

both your f***ing brains out!

CASH:
No problem.

TANGO:
I'm convinced.

TANGO:

He's hysterical.

TANGO:
I'd like a receipt for that.

CASH:
Me too.

CASH:

We can talk about this.

CASH:

That's my gun.

TANGO:

What's it doing here?

That gun was in my locker.

WYLER:

It's not your gun now!

It's evidence.

TANGO:
Why's your gun here?

CASH:
They stole it.

Tell me what you did.

I don't know this man.

I didn't come with him.

So with your permission,

I'll be leaving. Ciao.

DAVIS:
You didn't come with him,

but you're leaving with him.

You're making a mistake.

You're going down for this.

WYLER:

Get these bastards out of here!

Now!

- You're bad karma.

- I hope you got a good lawyer.

Perret says use this tape.

- Did Tango shoot a federal officer?

- No comment.

Was Cash there too?

No comment.

SCHROEDER:

What do they have?

They got a.380

with Cash's fingerprints.

They think it's the murder weapon.

Ballistics is checking it.

They were at the scene of the crime.

No one was seen coming or going.

What else?

The tape is ready.

What tape?

TANGO:
Show us the money.

AGENT:
It's in the suitcase.

CASH:
Open it.

AGENT:
It's all there.

AGENT:
Count it if you want to.

TANGO:
We want to.

AGENT:

Where's the stuff?

CASH:
Right here.

Direct from the police lockup.

AGENT:

You know, I like dealing with cops.

AGENT:
It restores my low opinion

of human nature.

CASH:

In that case, you'll love this.

(GUNSHOT ON TAPE)

FEMALE NEWSCASTER: Lts. Tango

and Cash, highly-decorated officers...

... go on trial today...

... for slaying an undercover agent

during a sting operation.

MALE NEWSCASTER:

Tango and Cash insist...

... they are victims of a

setup by criminal figures...

... aimed at taking the two cops

out of action.

FEMALE NEWSCASTER: Expert witnesses

will lead off the prosecution 's case.

PROSECUTOR:

Mr. Skinner, you've heard the tapes.

Can you make a judgment

about its authenticity?

I have no reason to believe

it isn't genuine.

NOLAN:

How did you test this tape?

SKINNER:

I took samples of the suspects...

...comparing them to the tape

with an oscilloscope.

They matched.

When this is over, remind me

to rip his tongue out.

With a tow truck.

When I entered the premises,

I saw the two suspects, the guns...

...the money, the drugs, the dead body.

WYLER:

When those guys showed up...

...I thought, it's all gone sour.

I was going to go and clear

everything up...

...when they killed him.

When this is over,

let's pay Jabba the Hutt a visit.

I 'll bring the chain saw.

I'll bring the beer.

(IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Detective Cash assaulted me.

He put a chair on me and sat on it.

I couldn't find a piano.

(IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

This bastard can speak English!

The squarecrow can talk!

Squarecrow?

What do you call it?

FEMALE NEWSCASTER: As attorneys for

Tango and Cash left the courtroom...

... their mood can only

be described as grim.

They face an uphill battle...

... if not an impossible one.

NOLAN:
Ray, somebody set you up good.

I feel we should cop a plea.

You can guarantee minimum security?

Absolutely. That will be the deal.

Does Cash's attorney agree?

If he's smart he does.

I want to talk to Cash.

I need to work on my

statement for the court.

What do you want?

First, to say I'm not fond of your kind.

What kind is that?

You're a glory hound and a hot dog.

CASH:

That stings.

Tell me when the critique is over.

It's over.

- My lawyer wants me to cop a plea.

- Mine too. 18 months.

Lompoc Country Club.

The gym opens at 5 a.m.

You can start pumping early.

- Who set us up?

- I don't know.

I got a lot of admirers. You?

A few.

Look, if we cop a plea,

we cop it together.

You mean that your lawyer

wanted you to make a deal...

...but you didn't want to leave this

glory hound holding the bag, right?

- Right.

- What a generous guy!

TANGO:
I'll make the statement.

CASH:
I will.

TANGO:

No way. You'll screw it up.

CASH:
When's your birthday?

When were you born?

TANGO:
Why?

CASH:
Day and month.

TANGO:
You want to do my horoscope?

CASH:
Just give me the month.

- May.

- February.

I got seniority.

I'll make the statement.

August 16.

I read your records. That's when you

were hatched. August 16.

I got seniority.

BAILIFF:

All rise.

The court is now in session.

The Honorable

Judge McCormack presiding.

Be seated.

NOLAN:

Your Honor.

The defendants wish

to change their plea.

JUDGE:

Order!

Very well, counselor.

What is the plea?

Your Honor, may I approach the bench?

Proceed, Mr. Tango.

It's okay.

Your Honor, I've been

a policeman for 12 years.

I think it's the best organization

in the country.

I've been told I'm too aggressive

in capturing criminals.

If that is a sin...

...I'm guilty.

I've always worked with good cops.

You are.

They're doing a tough job.

I only hope that with this trial,

the whole department...

...is not judged by what has transpired.

Thank you.

Not bad.

JUDGE:

Have you anything to add, Mr. Cash?

CASH:
Yeah.

TANGO:
No!

Mr. Tango has spoken very eloquently.

I wish I could be as forgiving.

But I can't, because...

...this whole thing...

...f***ing sucks!

This is a pile of sh*t!

Your Honor!

Order!

Order!

JUDGE:

Be seated, Mr. Cash.

NOLAN:
Your Honor, the defendants

wish to plead no contest...

...to a charge of

voluntary manslaughter.

This is part of an agreement?

PROSECUTOR:
Yes. The state

recommends a sentence...

...of not more than 18 months

in a minimum-security facility.

JUDGE:
Mr. Cash, Mr. Tango, do you

enter this plea of your own free will?

- Yes, sir.

- Yes, sir.

JUDGE:
The agreement is

acceptable to the court.

The defense and the state

will deliver the proper documentation.

Court is adjourned.

PERRET:
Now that Tango and Cash

are behind bars...

...you needn't be afraid anymore.

What's wrong, gentlemen?

You don't share my enthusiasm.

Mr. Perret, I am sorry...

...but I cannot appreciate

these games you keep playing.

QUAN:

Forgive me for asking, Mr. Perret...

...but what happens in 18 months

when they get out?

Use your imagination.

What makes you think

they'll ever get out again?

Now go take care of your business.

I got a feeling this is

going to be a great year.

CASH:

Ever hear of shock absorbers?

Welcome to Club Fed.

TANGO:

What a vacation!

GUARD:

End of the line. Get out.

GUARD:

You, this way!

TANGO:

What do you have to say now, genius?

I don't think there's

a golf course here.

Make yourselves

at home sweet home, boys.

CASH:

This is a mistake, right?

TANGO:

My underwear is riding into my throat.

They're not there?!

They were on the bus!

I'm trying to trace them.

They were transferred

off the bus near Victorville.

We got to find them.

CASH:

Your underwear problem is solved.

TANGO:
I noticed. You can stop

holding in your stomach.

CASH:
Come on! Somebody bribed the

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