Taxidermia

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- Morosgovnyi!

- Yes, Lieutenant!

What day is it today, Morosgovnyi?

Saturday, Lieutenant.

Second Saturday.

Bathing Saturday, Lieutenant.

What are the duties of an orderly

on a bathing Saturday, Morosgovnyi?

I humbly report, he is obliged

to set up the trough

that serves as a bath tub,

in the kitchen

that is appropriately heated

and propped up

at four... six points,

then to fill it up with water

that has been boiled

to the correct temperature

from the pot outside,

according to demand and person.

And what makes the water boil,

Morosgovnyi?

I humbly report,

the fire does and this has to be...

laid in the fireplace outside

in east-south-

easterly direction...

This is after?

After the wood has been chopped

to the correct size.

The correct size is?

Twenty, five, five...

Centimetres.

This is after...?

After the Lieutenant's

been accompanied out...

After...?

After the bicycle tires

have been pumped...

- After...?

- After the toilet's been scrubbed...

- After...?

- The muck's been carried out...

- After...?

- The straw's been carried in...

The other way around, Morosgovny,

the other way around.

Yes, the other way around!

This is after...?

- The Lieutenant's buttons

have been polished. - After...?

The daily field exercise

has been completed.

After...?

After the pig has been fed.

Quite right.

And?

What is it that the orderly never does,

Morosgovnyi?

I humbly report, under no

circumstances does he peep.

Because if he peeps?

- His big mouth will be shot off!

- His harelip! Morosgovnyi.

Yes indeed, Lieutenant!

Hang on... hang on!

Too much, too much, too much!

Hang on! Hang on!

Just a drop more...

Good, good. Too much, too much!

Now, get out!

Don't you have

anything better to do? Get out!

And what are you smiling at?

What's true is true.

The poet was right.

For what, I ask,

does a man's dick stand erect?

Who knows that?

- Don't you think, Morosgovnyi?

- Yes, Lieutenant.

And so I ask you straight,

Morosgovnyi...

is there anything better

than the c*nt of a woman?

Because you can call it

what you like...

...the c*nt is still the common

denominator...

Isn't it?

And if it's not,

it's because it's not,

or because it's ugly...

I mean the word...

or unwashed, I mean.

- Or like a pig.

- Yes, Lieutenant.

For, I quite agree

that a poet's description

of a love chalice

is more beautiful...

Or a dewy lilly.

Or perhaps a p*ssy...

No doubt about that.

Or in the words of the song.

How does it go?

If you were a rosebud, a rosebud,

I would be a bee.

I'd buzz up to you...

But that's just how they say it.

When courting or being polite.

Because all they are

really saying is "c*nt".

Do you understand?

The c*nt, yes!

Because, listen, Vendel...

I've got my own theory

that it's not the world

that makes c*nt go around,

but it's c*nt that makes

the world go around...

Erno, lunch is ready!

What are you going on about?

Go and find something to do!

Leona! Now! I've had enough!

Not now! You're it!

Leona, come on, run, Leona!

Come on, come on, throw it then!

Girls!

Bedtime!

Girls!

Into bed, one, two.

Miss!

Sleep well.

Don't worry about your figure,

just grow nice and fat for me.

Sweet dreams!

There is a poor, orphan girl...

She doesn't have a mother or father

to love her.

She has a friend, loneliness

and she washes clothes in the stream

morning and night

Her stepmother shouts at her

and beats her

Poor orphan, her life is miserable.

The little girl washes a white dress

in the little stream.

HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN:

THE LITTLE MATCH GIRL

Don't be afraid of me.

But you're trembling.

Shall I magic

stars for you in the sky?

Yes.

- Would you like that?

- Yes.

You really want me to?

- Yes.

- Millions of tiny stars...

But you have to help me.

Give me your hand.

Yes, there.

I'm flying!

Here you are! My dear Leona!

Gentlemen! Gentlemen!

To the final victory!

Cheers! Cheers!

Hey, where are you?

Here, Morosgovnyi.

The candle supply.

Morosgovnyi!

But won't you get cold, Mistress,

out of bed like this?

That only depends on you,

Vendel,

on how skilful you are.

Scratch me, Morosgovnyi,

scratch me!

Keep scratching.

Are you undressing me, silly boy?

It's winter...

A woman can't afford to catch

a chill with her equipment,

you know, Morosgovnyi. A woman

needs a lot of warmth, a lot.

Oh, yes. You.

Wait, I 'm going to throw

my guts up, hey.

I'm going to f*** you, Irma.

Can I say things like that?

Sure I can, damn it!

F*** my c*nt,

shove your prick right up.

F*** my c*nt,

shove your prick right up.

My little mangalica piggy.

My little mangalica,

my little pig,

my sow,

my piggy!

Tell me, Ferike, Leona,

Vilma.

Tell me, Irmuska, you, you, you!

Let's shriek together.

And let's laugh and

let's grunt,

because life's too short.

And get it in,

get it in,

get it in!

As hard as you can!

Morosgovnyi...

Yes, Lieutenant!

Little Klmn, my little son!

...and now, at this very moment,

if we can believe the scales,

and why shouldn't we?

Our boy Klmn Balatony

is moving into second place

behind Hristo Mehmedov

who's in position 2, so he's

only behind by a fraction

Ivan Duharin,

Soviet world champion...

Come on, come on!

You've got second!

...then Bla Miszlnyi,

in a phenomenal fourth place!

The contender from of the 12th Regiment

of the Bulgarian Liberation Front

is keeping up

with the two Hungarians.

It's still impossible to tell

what the final result will be.

We know, who the winner will be,

but there is an incredible chase

for the second, third

and fourth place!

Colonel Ivan Duharin,

is now in first place,

followed by Klmn Balatony

in the colours of Honvd.

Come on Klmn, come on Honvd!

Then Hristo Mehmedov,

followed by Bla Miszlnyi.

After him...

Come on Hungarians,

come on Hungarians!

Come on Balatony!

Come on Miszlnyi!

Come on Hungarians,

come on Hungarians!

Will Balatony be able to keep

his very shaky second place?

Of course he will,

he's putting on an amazing finish.

And so is Miszlnyi.

Miszlnyi is third,

Balatony is 0.2 behind Duharin...

Only 0.1! Is he...?

No, he isn't.

You like her, don't you?

Leave her alone!

- You kept looking at her.

- I'm second all the same.

Because I pushed you.

Ah, Chick!

This competition

is more important than that.

This woman is going to be my wife.

Are you crazy?

You don't even know her.

What the f*** are you looking at

all the time?

You know where you are, Chick? No?

Then look out there to see

where you're standing.

At a turning point.

And you still f*** it up?

Is it worth anything to you

if you're second? Norway!

- Are you crazy?

- I'm second. - But how?

By a thread. Shut your face.

Just stare into your plate and eat!

It's not soup anymore.

You eat some false tooth or ring

or something and that's it.

- Do I make myself clear?

- Yes.

I should think so.

Now, the lipid.

It's dry, dangerous

and full of sh*t like

gauze and wadding.

Only a little lubricant,

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