Ted 2

1

We are often told...

that happily ever afters exist

only in the pages of fairy tales...

and in the naive minds

of sheltered innocents.

And yet, on this bright,

sunny Boston afternoon,

a talking teddy bear is about

to marry his girlfriend,

proving two things:

Happy endings can come true

for anyone,

and America doesn't

give a sh*t about anything.

Do you, Tami-Lynn McCafferty,

take this teddy bear to be

your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, Ted, take this woman

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

F***in'-A right, I do!

Then, by the power vested in me,

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

You may kiss the bear.

Thank you, folks!

We're gonna take a short break

and pass things over to DJ Nightshade.

Ladies and gentlemen,

your newlyweds!

Teddy, this is

the best day of my life.

I just love you so much.

I love you too, baby.

I'm gonna go 50 shades

of bear on you tonight.

- Let's go get sh*t-faced.

- Okay.

Celebrate good times

Come on

Thank you.

Let's celebrate

There's a party goin' on

right here

- Hey, congrats, you mofos.

- Oh. Hey, Guy.

- Beautiful ceremony.

- Oh, thank you so much for being a part of it.

Hey, this is my new boyfriend,

Rick.

- How you doing?

- Good, good.

He's a gourmet chef,

so he knows how to toss a salad.

Rick and I are actually

about to tie the knot.

Oh, you guys

are getting married?

No, we're just gonna go home

and tie our d*cks together.

F*** you. F*** you.

Deal.

It's electric

No! No!

I said no Electric Slide!

Goddamn it, you will not

wreck this night...

with your forced

white people group fun!

It's electric

Do you remember

The 21st of September?

Love was changin' the minds

of pretenders

Hey, buddy. You okay there?

You look a little down.

Are you still shaking off

that hangover from the bachelor party?

Oh!

That's nice.

Oh, my God.

She's f***ing begging for it!

She's totally begging.

Get it. Get in there.

Look at her.

She wants it bad!

Oh, yeah. She wants more

than just a f***ing pizza delivery, huh?

That's bigger than the

average bear right there, I'll tell you.

You know what's f***ed up?

Dude, that's somebody's

f***ing daughter!

Sh*t! Jesus!

Come on!

You know what, Johnny?

It's entirely possible it's his daughter.

That's how

it works out there.

I'm fine. I was... thinking about Lori.

Oh, Johnny,

come on, man.

It's been six months

since you guys got divorced.

I know, I know.

It's just that...

Being back in

that church again?

I mean, everything seemed like

it was gonna be so perfect.

Yeah. You're not the first guy

to marry the wrong girl.

Hey, listen, don't let her drag

you down tonight. Okay? This is a party.

I'm sorry, buddy.

I don't mean to mess up your big day.

What? You kiddin'?

You're not the one messing it up.

Check out Tami-Lynn's

a**hole brother in the wheelchair.

If you don't dance with me,

you're a monster!

Watch it,

you f***in' tool!

Hey, hey!

Big day, huh, bud?

You guys wanna celebrate

with a little something else, hmm?

Oh. No, thanks, Sam.

Tami-Lynn would kill me if

I did drugs on our wedding day.

Aw, she won't notice.

I just did a line with a dude

in the men's room,

and I bet you can't

even spot him.

Yeah, I'm gonna pass.

Hey, hey, what do you say we do

the thing, huh? That'll cheer you up.

F*** it. Let's do it.

There he is!

Attention, everyone.

May I have your attention, please?

Johnny and I have prepared

something very special for you here.

Let's have it, fellas.

When you hear the sound of

thunder don't you get too scared

Just grab your thunder buddy

And say these magic words

Oh, f*** you, thunder

You can suck my dick

You can't get me, thunder

'Cause you're just

God's farts

Yeah!

I'm steppin' out

with my honey

Can't be bad to feel so good

Never felt quite so sunny

So I keep on knockin' wood

Yeah, steppin' out

with my baby

Can't go wrong

'cause I'm in right

Ask me when will the day be

The big day

may be tonight

This is the best day of my life!

I'm curing cancer.

I'm cooking your f***ing steak.

What do you think I'm doing?

What do I think you do? You're bleeding

us dry is what I think you're doing.

Look at this.

$129 at Filene's Basement.

What are you buyin' over there, Tami?

Gold bars?

I need clothes for work.

All right, Teddy?

What do you mean?

You wear a smock.

You're a f***ing cashier.

Yeah, so are you.

Yeah, exactly!

And I'm not going out

and buying designer sh*t!

No, no, no, no, no!

You're just buying weed.

You're just buying drugs.

You should f***ing talk!

I was talking.

I was just talking, just now,

until you interrupted me.

I have to interrupt you or else

I never get to f***ing say anything!

Are you gonna let me finish talking?

You're always cutting me off!

Are you gonna let me finish

talking? Are you gonna let me finish...

I am trying to climb

the corporate fence here!

Nobody's in there

to look at your ass!

You're acting like an a**hole!

What am I actin' like, Tami?

What am I actin' like?

Like an a**hole!

You don't got to dress like

Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!

I am the face of the business,

okay?

The face of the business?

Jesus Christ!

Listen to you!

You're delusional!

I should've married Robert DiCicco.

I really should've.

Fine! Fine!

Go torture that a**hole!

He treated me good.

And...

He had a dick!

He had an awesome dick!

News flash! Boston whore

has seen Italian penis.

What the f***

did you just call me, f***er?

- What did you f***ing say?

- What the f***?

You wanna call me a whore?

- You wanna throw sh*t?

- Yeah, I wanna f***ing throw sh*t!

I'll f***ing throw sh*t!

There, see?

- How do you like that?

- Oh, I'm scared, Teddy!

I'm really f***ing scared of you,

you little f***ing bear!

Shut the f*** up!

For Christ's sake!

Hey, you shut the f*** up!

Come down and make me,

tough guy.

Why don't you come up here

and make me come down there, tough guy?

I am gonna come up there,

and I'm gonna kick your f***ing ass!

Try it, a**hole.

Get your ass up here and kick my ass!

Shut the f*** up, you stupid b*tch!

Shut the f*** up!

- Hey, I'm really sorry!

- Yeah, me, too.

- She's worse than us.

- She's our enemy now.

Have you guys at least

tried marriage therapy?

Oh, God, yeah.

It was a frigging disaster.

$250 and we didn't

learn a goddamn thing.

250? Dude,

that's ridiculous!

Doesn't your insurance

cover that or something?

Nah, Tami-Lynn tried

to sign up for Obamacare on the Internet,

but I came back five minutes later,

she was looking at black c*cks.

It seems like every time you go online,

you're two clicks away from black c*cks.

Look. See?

I'll Google "Grand Canyon."

Here. Look, it says,

"Did you mean black c*cks?"

I don't know, man. I got to do

something or my marriage is gonna collapse.

Here you go, guys.

We're gonna be closing in a few,

but I'm going to this after-hours thing at

my friend's apartment, if you wanna join.

Oh, thanks, Allison.

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