Ted 2 Page #2

But I got an early day tomorrow.

Oh. Okay.

Well, if you change your mind,

here's the address.

I put my cell number

on there too.

Oh, my God.

Are you f***ing kidding me?

- What?

- What do you mean, "what?" After hours?

Jesus, Johnny.

She totally wants to sleep with you.

I'm not into it.

John, you've been saying that

for a year and a half...

about every chick

that throws herself at you.

Get back in the game, man!

Don't start this sh*t.

Look, I wasted six years of my life

with the wrong girl, and I got burned.

I'm not gonna make

that same mistake again.

Jesus, Johnny.

You don't got to marry Allison.

You just got to bang her and

maybe pee on her a little. What?

It's always good to find

new ways to surprise your lover.

Yeah,

I got to take a leak.

Sorry, Allison. I tried.

It's okay.

I just wish he wasn't

so goddamn cute.

Yeah. Hey, can I get a Jack Daniel's

with just a splash of Grey Goose?

Wish I could help you,

but we're closing.

Oh, come on.

I been coming here since the '90s.

Sorry, buddy.

No can do.

Come on. One drink, and I promise

I won't tell anybody...

that Jay Leno comes in here

for gay bathroom sex.

Hey, what the f*** are you doing?

- Get off of me!

- Sorry. My mistake.

There we go.

Thanks a lot.

Come again.

- Hey.

- Hello.

I'd like to ask a few questions

about this breakfast cereal.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

Box of Trix.

That's right.

I've been led to understand

that Trix are exclusively for children.

Is that correct?

I mean, they say,

"Trix are for kids" in the commercials.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

And is that enforced by law?

Not to my knowledge, no.

So if I purchase these Trix,

there'll be no trouble?

No.

No, you should be fine.

You do understand

that I myself am not a child?

I-I was able to sniff that out,

yeah.

Okay, I'm going to bring these

back to my apartment.

Yeah, yeah.

You'll be okay.

And, uh,

I won't be followed?

Uh, no, that's not

in our budget here.

Hey.

I won't forget what

you've done for me here today.

I would prefer that you do.

Jesus Christ.

You two still not talking?

No. Honest to God, Joy,

I don't know how to fix this.

How the hell do you take a broken

marriage and make it work again?

Well, I'll tell you one way.

You have yourselves a baby.

- A baby?

- Uh-huh. Look at that.

You see them two white niggas

over there?

Yeah. What?

Look at 'em.

They're so happy.

Because they got

that little baby keeping them together.

If they didn't have that baby,

they'd just be two sad-ass white niggas

waiting for "Downtown" Abbey to come on.

Wow, you said it twice.

Is that an actual phrase?

I'm telling you, Ted. Y'all better

have a baby or your marriage is over.

Trust.

- Uh, hey.

- Go away, Teddy.

Tami, listen.

I just wanna talk to you.

Will you just

listen to me for one second?

Why? So you can give me sh*t

about my clothes?

No! Look, I'm sorry about that, okay?

I'm sorry.

- I was an a**hole, and I didn't mean it.

- You know, whatever, Teddy.

Tami, listen.

I love you.

Okay? And I don't want us to fight like

we've been doing the past few months.

I don't know, Teddy.

Something's got to change, you know?

Because I can't do this no more.

It's too much.

I know, I know, I know.

And that's why...

I wanna have a baby.

You do?

Yeah.

A baby?

Like, really?

Yeah. See, I think,

if we got a kid to love...

it'll teach us how to love

each other again.

Oh, my God, Teddy.

You better not be

messing with me.

I swear to God,

not messing with you.

I think you'd make

an awesome mom.

Oh, my God!

Are you kidding me?

I would, like,

kick so much ass at mommin'.

What do you say?

We all good?

Yes! Oh, I love you!

I love you so much!

Baby, I love you too!

Let's make a baby!

Let's make a baby!

Lemme know when you're ready to go,

and I'll stick a bottle of Newman's Own in ya.

All the profits go to charity.

You had sexual intercourse

on a pile of raw hamburger meat...

that we're supposed to

sell to the public...

for their

Fourth of July barbecues.

I f***ed her

with a pack of Freedent.

Then I put it back on the shelf

and a senior citizen bought it.

That took guts.

We need guts.

I'm naming the store after you.

Okay, you ready?

Oh, sh*t. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Here it comes.

Okay, okay. I'm ready.

Bum, bum

Let's all go to court

Bum, bum

Let's go make some law now

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Some law Now

- I say we go to court!

- Yes, let's go to court!

We're a bunch of a**holes who take

up a whole hallway with our conversation.

Hey, you lawyer guys

You don't know me

and Johnny are watching you

While we're high

That was f***ing magic.

That felt smooth.

That felt really smooth.

So in the pocket.

Hey, so listen, I got some big

news to tell you. Yeah? What's that?

Tami-Lynn and I

are gonna have a baby.

Holy sh*t!

You?

Yeah, yeah.

We talked about it today.

Dude, that's f***ing awesome!

Congratulations!

Thank you! Wait, wait, wait.

How do you guys...

Well, uh, that's the thing.

We got to find a sperm donor.

And, I'm wondering, what do you think

Sam Jones would say if I asked him?

You want Flash Gordon

to father your child?

Yeah. You think...

Would that be weird?

Would he be freaked out if I...

No, I think he'd be flattered!

And plus, your baby

will be a f***ing superhero!

That was the logic

I arrived at as well.

Yeah, I say do it!

All right. Great.

I'll shoot him an e-mail

and see if I can stop by.

You come with me?

Sure.

All right, great.

Sh*t. I can never get a signal

in your apartment.

Hey, can I use your laptop?

Yeah, go ahead.

Okay, thanks.

What the f***?

Holy sh*t! Dude, what's the matter?

What happened?

What's going on?

There's so much porn!

What the hell are you doing

looking at my private sh*t?

Johnny, it was wide open!

There are literally thousands of files here!

I've been meaning to

clear some of that out.

Jesus Chri...

Look at the organization here!

"Clockwise rim job."

"Counterclockwise rim job."

Yeah, sometimes you like seeing

the tongue go the other way!

You sick bastard!

Look at this! Chicks with d*cks?

Oh, my God!

I have a disease, all right?

I need help!

There are no chicks with d*cks, Johnny!

Only guys with tits!

This is such a relief!

I'm glad I'm finally caught.

I wanted to be caught!

Johnny, now you listen to me.

This is a wake-up call.

You got to get back out there

and meet somebody...

because you are spiraling

out of control here.

All right, fine, I will.

Just stop looking at that sh*t, please!

Johnny, I mean it.

The next chick you meet, you

are getting back in the game.

- Fine, I got it. Done.

- All right.

- Let's get rid of this.

- What do you mean?

We'll just delete the files!

No, no, no. That sh*t

can always be recovered.

We got to smash your laptop

with a hammer.

- There. You happy?

- No.

The circuits could

still be reconstructed.

We got to bury it

in the harbor.

Okay, we'll come back once every

three months, take a dive and check on it.

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